He does not know what he wants yet loves me????

[cmacattack1]

That's the whole game. By not talking to you, you have no idea how he is feeling. I'm sure he is hurt also. Maybe not as much as you as it probably isn't as important to him, but he is still hurting too. Shithead's right on this one. You won't be able to get him change no matter how hard you try or what you say. Classic mistake. My exgirlfriend tried the same and was so angry and pissed off at me at the end. I did just shut her out.

However, on the plus side, our breakup did help me become a new person with new priorities. I don't know if it's rare or not but I want to say that it's not impossible for him to turn a 180 after you keep him in no contact for a while. It took me a few months of educating myself, posting and reading on this forum, talking logic with a buddy of mine who is also working on an ex girlfriend, and so on to really right my ship. I had to really want to change and become a better person. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt here and say he could really change his ways and grow up a bit. He's going to have to want to on his own though. I'd hope so at his age, damn.

However, he dumped you. The tendancy in that is that he thinks he is right for doing so and looking for a reason to confirm that uncertainty. All the time you pine after him and talk to him and show him attention, good or negative, it's just solidifying his decision. He is stubborn and he won't budge. There isn't really much you can do or say. I know he's the only one that can make you feel better and you want the pain to go away but this is where the tough skin starts to form. Gotta toughen up and hold the no contact, even when he starts making the moves to you. It's gonna take some time. I understand you love him but put yourself above this relationship and realize that it takes both of your priorities lined up to make this work. You doin all the work is just a rowboat with one oar.

[Supernova]

That's the whole game. By not talking to you, you have no idea how he is feeling. I'm sure he is hurt also. Maybe not as much as you as it probably isn't as important to him, but he is still hurting too. Shithead's right on this one. You won't be able to get him change no matter how hard you try or what you say. Classic mistake. My exgirlfriend tried the same and was so angry and pissed off at me at the end. I did just shut her out.

However, on the plus side, our breakup did help me become a new person with new priorities. I don't know if it's rare or not but I want to say that it's not impossible for him to turn a 180 after you keep him in no contact for a while. It took me a few months of educating myself, posting and reading on this forum, talking logic with a buddy of mine who is also working on an ex girlfriend, and so on to really right my ship. I had to really want to change and become a better person. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt here and say he could really change his ways and grow up a bit. He's going to have to want to on his own though. I'd hope so at his age, damn.

However, he dumped you. The tendancy in that is that he thinks he is right for doing so and looking for a reason to confirm that uncertainty. All the time you pine after him and talk to him and show him attention, good or negative, it's just solidifying his decision. He is stubborn and he won't budge. There isn't really much you can do or say. I know he's the only one that can make you feel better and you want the pain to go away but this is where the tough skin starts to form. Gotta toughen up and hold the no contact, even when he starts making the moves to you. It's gonna take some time. I understand you love him but put yourself above this relationship and realize that it takes both of your priorities lined up to make this work. You doin all the work is just a rowboat with one oar.

You made me laugh thanks! i was wondering who the hell shithead was. I just reread his post and read yours. So i will not email him with what I think. I will not text nor call him. Do I actually end it, or just do nothing like him. I want the door open if he changes, I do not and cannot be nasty. I think I ended our conversation with I had faith in him. (Pathetic huh). I just cannot understand why a man would say, maybe he wants to be a looser like his friend. (This friend is 39, is a weed head, and alcoholic and worked for my man, he would drink all day, now my man (or whatever he is) works a day or two for him lol). It goes to show you can have the world (a good business, investments homes, corvettes and loose it in a matter of months). I met him when he just lost nearly everything two years ago, see I am not shallow but saw the best in him. Ok ok I will stop. So you two are great, I am trying to be strong, So, write me a plan so I can stick to it lol. So I gather this. A. I do not call or text. B. No email. C. What do I do if he texts me? aghhhhh I am confused already.
Also I may be 42 and he is 44 but we were both young at heart, I do not even look 42, but I am a hell of a lot more mature than him. I just want the hurt to stop. One question Macattack1 , did you ever get back with your ex girlfriend after you grew up? or did she move on??? when she stopped talking to you did you want her more then?

[cmacattack1]

Well he certainly has alot of reasons to regress with all that crumbling around him. He can wallow in self pity and use that as an excuse, but eventually the allure will wear off and he'll have to get his life together at some point. I hope.

I did everything you did too. After she broke up with me, I tried to get her to change her mind, I told her I changed, I wrote her a letter saying how we feel is both genuine and that everything will work out. But it just pissed her off more. It was typical "guy ****ing up and then being pathetic and sad when he gets dumped" behavior. It's the wrong way to go. It's Tug O War and you are just tugging and they aren't budging. That's why not talking to him is the best way to go. When you put down the rope, he'll put it down too at some point.

The way he says his friends are bad influences and then still partakes in that lifestyle must be driving you nuts. He knows its bad for him but he still does it anyway? Like we said, he has to want to help himself. Simply acknowledging the problem is what I used to do and it just frustrated my ex more when I didn't do anything about it.

If he texts you, I would just give him a minimal response. Maybe give it a few hours too. I know it's corny to play games but it will make him feel like he isn't a priority anymore. If he says hi just say hi back. If he says how are you, say good or whatever. You get my drift. You have no reason to ask him anything or keep the conversation going. If he wants to talk to you about something more serious, he will.

As for me and my exgirlfriend, it's still kind of fresh. She dumped me at the end of September 2009 and told me "I was still the one, just not now, I need some space". I was pretty perplexed considering I was the one that was not giving her enough attention. I became overcome with emotions, being my first love and all, and proceded to bother her for another week with overattention. That got her more angry. Sporadic talking here and there over a month and half period led it to her telling me what I did to her was "unforgiveable" and she had a new boyfriend and how great he was around Halloween time. I saw her out with her new guy the weekend after but I was so knotted up I couldn't even talk to her and just ignored her. It's been three months of not seeing or hearing from her since, although we are still facebook friends so she can see what I've been up to. As far as I know they are still dating. When you have an eight month relationship and the new guy is hitting three already, it gives you a panic feeling, I won't lie. But it's out of my hands now and there isn't anything I can do to bring her back to me. It sucks but you it's something you learn to live with.

She dumped me so it was not whether I wanted to talk to her more after we stopped talking, it was just I didn't have any other choice. I had to not talk to her. I don't think she really knows or would believe that I've made so much progress since than and it would be up to her to come to me if she wanted to find out. Her last known memory of me was emotional wreck so I think I'm made my own bed with this one. It was an important learning experience but without her to share it with, it's kind of a hollow victory.

[Supernova]

Well he certainly has alot of reasons to regress with all that crumbling around him. He can wallow in self pity and use that as an excuse, but eventually the allure will wear off and he'll have to get his life together at some point. I hope.

I did everything you did too. After she broke up with me, I tried to get her to change her mind, I told her I changed, I wrote her a letter saying how we feel is both genuine and that everything will work out. But it just pissed her off more. It was typical "guy ****ing up and then being pathetic and sad when he gets dumped" behavior. It's the wrong way to go. It's Tug O War and you are just tugging and they aren't budging. That's why not talking to him is the best way to go. When you put down the rope, he'll put it down too at some point.

The way he says his friends are bad influences and then still partakes in that lifestyle must be driving you nuts. He knows its bad for him but he still does it anyway? Like we said, he has to want to help himself. Simply acknowledging the problem is what I used to do and it just frustrated my ex more when I didn't do anything about it.

If he texts you, I would just give him a minimal response. Maybe give it a few hours too. I know it's corny to play games but it will make him feel like he isn't a priority anymore. If he says hi just say hi back. If he says how are you, say good or whatever. You get my drift. You have no reason to ask him anything or keep the conversation going. If he wants to talk to you about something more serious, he will.

As for me and my exgirlfriend, it's still kind of fresh. She dumped me at the end of September 2009 and told me "I was still the one, just not now, I need some space". I was pretty perplexed considering I was the one that was not giving her enough attention. I became overcome with emotions, being my first love and all, and proceded to bother her for another week with overattention. That got her more angry. Sporadic talking here and there over a month and half period led it to her telling me what I did to her was "unforgiveable" and she had a new boyfriend and how great he was around Halloween time. I saw her out with her new guy the weekend after but I was so knotted up I couldn't even talk to her and just ignored her. It's been three months of not seeing or hearing from her since, although we are still facebook friends so she can see what I've been up to. As far as I know they are still dating. When you have an eight month relationship and the new guy is hitting three already, it gives you a panic feeling, I won't lie. But it's out of my hands now and there isn't anything I can do to bring her back to me. It sucks but you it's something you learn to live with.

She dumped me so it was not whether I wanted to talk to her more after we stopped talking, it was just I didn't have any other choice. I had to not talk to her. I don't think she really knows or would believe that I've made so much progress since than and it would be up to her to come to me if she wanted to find out. Her last known memory of me was emotional wreck so I think I'm made my own bed with this one. It was an important learning experience but without her to share it with, it's kind of a hollow victory.

I will do what you said, nothing I can do will change things its up to him. Do you go over in your head all your conversations about how, this is it, sick of dating game and glad we found each other etcetc, we did that..... I just do not want to get bitter, this is the second time a relationship got so serious than BAM for no reason gone. Now about you Mr, I would not give up hope with her, they say the average relationship is 8 to 14 weeks and if she got with him soon after you, it could be rebound. I know we are all feeling pain right now, but just be reading your responses, you are mature - you will find the right girl one day your outlook on relationships is good and your a good support, girls will classify you as a "keeper"! you will be fine. I will be fine one day, I just hope and pray he changes (on his own). Ugggghhh pain... go away

[LailaK]

He's being selfish with the way he's hurting you. Maybe you should be a little selfish too. You deserve so much better than what he's giving you. If you end it you will feel better later because you ended it on your terms. It was that way with my ex. Being able to leave a bad relationship makes you feel a little stronger than before, gives you a little of your self confidence and power back after someone breaks your heart.

I know it feels like you won't find someone again but you will! Just leave your heart open to love and men who deserve your affection as opposed to those who will take you for granted.

[Supernova]

He's being selfish with the way he's hurting you. Maybe you should be a little selfish too. You deserve so much better than what he's giving you. If you end it you will feel better later because you ended it on your terms. It was that way with my ex. Being able to leave a bad relationship makes you feel a little stronger than before, gives you a little of your self confidence and power back after someone breaks your heart.

I know it feels like you won't find someone again but you will! Just leave your heart open to love and men who deserve your affection as opposed to those who will take you for granted.

Funny thing LailaK, he was the one the pursued me, I was scared of trusting again, he convinced me, then when it was getting serious, we promised each other we would never hurt each other. Man you should have seen the letters, emails and things we said to each other. Now it seems like that was a different guy. I am the ONLY girlfriend (or wife) that he has ever had, that did not want him for his car, money etc, he attracted women whereever he was, I was the only woman who loved him when he was about to lose everything. So look at me now.....
the pain is unbearable

[LailaK]

I'm sorry you're in so much pain. One thing I've noticed with heart break is when you still love someone it's so confusing because you still have those feelings and they may have changed their mind. You go over everything that they told you, all the ways that they loved you for evidence that they love you still.

Try to look at the way he is acting right now. That is the best indicator of how he feels about you and it will help you figure out what to do. Don't pay attention to what he says. Words lie, and actions hold a lot more truth.

I'm dealing with some crazy man-related stuff right now. Not a serious as yours but I recently got some advice that kept me from texting, calling or doing other things I knew I'd regret:

"If he wanted to talk to you he'd call. If he wanted to work it out, he would come to you. If you meant as much to him as he means to you he would do anything within his power to bring a smile to your face. If he's not doing that he's not worth it, find someone else who deserves your devotion."

It's hard! But just keep telling yourself that you deserve better treatment, because you do.

[Supernova]

I'm sorry you're in so much pain. One thing I've noticed with heart break is when you still love someone it's so confusing because you still have those feelings and they may have changed their mind. You go over everything that they told you, all the ways that they loved you for evidence that they love you still.

Try to look at the way he is acting right now. That is the best indicator of how he feels about you and it will help you figure out what to do. Don't pay attention to what he says. Words lie, and actions hold a lot more truth.

I'm dealing with some crazy man-related stuff right now. Not a serious as yours but I recently got some advice that kept me from texting, calling or doing other things I knew I'd regret:

"If he wanted to talk to you he'd call. If he wanted to work it out, he would come to you. If you meant as much to him as he means to you he would do anything within his power to bring a smile to your face. If he's not doing that he's not worth it, find someone else who deserves your devotion."

It's hard! But just keep telling yourself that you deserve better treatment, because you do.

The quote hit home, and its what others have been more or less saying .... want to know something stupid? when we met, he asked me what was important to me and I swear to God I said this Facta Non Verba latin for deeds not words, and look at me now, I contradicted myself. See I thought I was smart, I knew his background, But we were like magnets, same things in common, all that crap...... I can say in all my 42 years I never came close to loving any man liked i loved him. But Your right I have to accept, right now he does not want me.
I know a lot of it is because his "mother" will not get the care she needs, and he has become a momma's boy, ever since his Dad died, she has looked to him to do everything, so with that on board and me not living in the same town, and him being confused, it does not look good for me. It would be a miracle for him to change, I have prayed about it and I can do no more. Love hurts whether your 16 or 60. I just cannot imagine trusting a man again.

[Supernova]

I am sad again, I hope you guys are not sick of me, I am ok for 5 mins then hit rock bottom. I just had an awful thought Valentines Day!!!!!!!!!! ugghhhhhh what do I do, do I send him a card? its take about a week to get to him so I would have to send it with in the next 5 days, what do I do???? if I don't send him one he will think I do not love him and it may ruin him contacting me again if he changes his mind - I sound Pathetic - tell me what to do! your advice so far has been good, I need to be told what to do right now. Getting up for work will be hard enough tomorrow.....

[shheadz]

Showing him any attention right now only validates his behavior. Honestly, you need to break up with him. He's not going to do it, because he doesn't care. This may sound harsh, but while he's out partying there's no reason to think he wouldn't jump into bed with any women he meets. You're not even a blip on his radar right now, so he wouldn't even feel guilty about it.

[LailaK]

Don't send him anything for Valentines Day. Him knowing that you are serious about your happiness and you are pulling away from his bad behavior is not a bad thing.

Valentines Day is just another day. Take the time to do something nice for yourself.

[Supernova]

Don't send him anything for Valentines Day. Him knowing that you are serious about your happiness and you are pulling away from his bad behavior is not a bad thing.

Valentines Day is just another day. Take the time to do something nice for yourself.

Yes easier said than done, well today I am going back to work, hopefully I can keep it together. I am confused with the advice now, some say ignore him no communication, yet others are saying "break it off", which would mean I had to communicate, why can't I let him suffer for once? (if he is), in my mind he has broken it off with me. A few days ago when we left each other at the airport, he was like, this is hurting me too, I do not know what I want etc etc, then I would be kissed and cuddled, WOW they say women are complicated. anyway, off to work. Hope and pray I get stronger each day.

[cmacattack1]

Do you need official validation? I'm pretty sure my girlfriend was done with me probably about two weeks before she officially told me. She just stopped talking and I had to show up and then she broke the news. If he isn't doing anything and you aren't doing anything, what's the difference? It's dead in the water either way.

As for Valentine's Day.....such a Hallmark holiday can really put you in a bad mood. I was kind of scrambling for a Valentine and I think I have one now. Don't worry about not having one though, there has to be something you can do or somebody you can share it with that isn't a random jerk.

[grey]

wow, you honestly have a similar story to mine with my ex. I agree with the others, that he needs to miss you and get his stuff straightened out first. If he can't, then you wouldn't want him anyways. easier said then done, I clearly can't give up on my ex.

Is he willing to go to therapy? he has some deep rooted issues even though losing everything would make anyone a little depressed, he's not handling things rationally at all. sounds like he may go off the deep end even farther. MAYBE when he hits rock bottom emotionally he can get better. but he's just delaying that part by partying and letting you go also delays what he is really dealing with.

Its easier to forget and numb things then to TRY to Fix his emotions and stay with you.

[Supernova]

Hi, your right I do not need validation, and going back to work and being forced to get my mind off it, I have gone over all the advice. You are right, he has thought about this PRIOR to "bringing it up" and Yes, I do not deserve to be treated like this, so why should I be frightened of loosing him even more by not putting up with it????? BECAUSE he is gone. He is not the old b/f I had, he is a self centred so and so. Wow stage two of grieving, ANGER. I need to tell you all what has happened. I have been thinking of all the stupid immature comments, like "I may want more than one girl" and yeah I have been texting my friends both male and female.... I mean who in their right mind would say that to someone they loved?????? no.... SO....... today at work, not expecting him to text me. I did not text him (be proud of me It took a lot), I get this message:

"Miss You"

I waited two hours then said Miss you too Greg, because I did. (looking back now after mulling over things and feeling angry I should have just ignored him.

Then I get another message from him a funny line (we would always joke around with each other) he said

"kiss my butt"

I said, no someone might be busy their already.

He texted straight away and said "Sicko"

I said nice one butt head.

and that was it...... he never said another word. I think he was drunk at a bar or buzzed .....
NO I did not see hope in the Miss you, because he probably does, but I WILL NOT be treated this way. I am so MAD AND ANGRY.

I will not text him anymore, if he texts again and tosay lets talk, that is when I will say ..... get your shit together, then talk to me because as at now, I do not want to treated this way. Good bye.

Is that ok? what would you say?

Did I mention your words of wisdom is starting to sink in..... I hate him treating me like shit.