How to deal with hysterical girlfriend

[mighTY94]

Hello all,

I've been living with my girlfriend for about 4 months now. We've been together for about 10.

Everything in the begining was great, we were happy and inlove. But through the course of the relationship, my girlfriend started isolating herself from the outside world(stopped going out so much, she got an argument with some of her friends) and that is when things started falling apart(actually, the moment we moved in together). She started clinging to me more and more. It was like she's totally dependent on me. I smelled that early and urged her to find some hobbies, or make up with some of her friends(they did fight for stupid reasons) and go out with them, ocasionally. But no, she didn't even want to do that.

I've got an STD from a previous relationship, but only got to know when I started going out with my current girlfriend. Unfortunately, it was too late, so we've got a virus, that is potential cause of cancer. I'm only a carrier, so no consequences for me. But she is really affected by that. Being calm + medications is the cure, but boy, who would've known that being calm is against her nature. She is a hysterical melanholic.

I've always valued individual freedom in a relationship. In the beginning of the relationship, I made sure she knew that, so that she wouldn't start limit any of it. Now it's like we never ever spoke of that. Where I go, she constantly needs to be there, or else she feels sad, depressed and alone at home.

I thought all of these could be fixed, since she confirmed that she's got low self-esteem and that she is afraid to lose me. She tried getting back on her feet by starting to go out, and I really supported her then.

Even though we fought at some occassions, there was one subject that had no compromise from any side. She wanted to be aware of who's texting me(women) and I was completely opposed from that, since that makes me feel like I'm giving a report. I assured her that I share with her something, when I think of it as funny or worth sharing, but some things didn't really matter to me, or simply it's too personal for some of my friends and I had to keep it between me and my friend. But no, she wanted to be aware of it, she constantly accusses me of trying to hide my personal chats.

A couple of our fights concerning jelaousy reached nervous breakdown for both of us. Since I'm naturally a calmer person, I've always tried the rational way of discussing some things, while at the same time she was furious. She always gets irritated for how calm I am during our fights, so tries harder to push me to my limits. And she succeded a couple of times. I got rageous and hit the wall. She's had some panick attacks(inability to breathe, feeling claustrophobic).

Yesterday she almost got in a fight with one of my friends. She was on her period(she's getting really anoying then) and really yelled at me for something minor, as let's go out, our taxing wouldn't be waiting for us. After she slammed the door, one of my friends got pissed and asked me (And this is your girlfriend?) and my response being (yeah, haha). She overheard that and the same night we had the biggest fight of ours. She said she felt humiliated(from my friend) and offended by my reaction to the saying and not standing up for her. She got another mini panick attack, she was really suggestive that I ditch my friendship with that person(She merely implied it, no direct requesting). She swore that friend of mine I did say NOTHING. NOTHING, because I was afraid she's gonna fall into another attack, or do something stupid(I'm not sure what her mind is into those moments, I'm even afraid she's gonna commit suicide).

Since the panick attacks, I really got scared for her health. She needs help and I don't know how to offer it. I don't think succumbing to her pressure is the solution. After all, a relationship is a union involving two parties, not a single one, who is controlling everything.

The sad part is, when we fight, I need some me time to regenerate. When she sees that I'm silent and in another room, she just comes in and tries to start another fight.

I feel really stuck and do not know what to do. Breaking up seems the most rational decision, since obviously we're more unhappy than happy together. Or spend some time apart, so that she could get back on her feet, be confident as she was in the beginning of the relationship. But either way I'm scared to take a step just because I don't know what will she do to herself.

[violete]

You should break up with her, as you said it yourself, you are more unhappy than happy together. I am really sorry you are going through this, but she has some huge issues and you are not the person who will solve them for her. She is the only one who can save her, you can only help. But the way she is trating you, she is dragging you into her state of mind and it is just not fair to you. She needs to focus on herself, get her life together, she can not evolve it around you.

You are not responsible for her, only she is. Explain to her that you are not happy the way things are right now, that you both need some space and time apart, so you get on you feet and then maybe see if you can be together.
Maybe she is just so depressed and she needs someone to be there for her. The question is if you have the patience to be there for her. It will only take time for her to go back to the way she was (if she is depresed). Do you know what is causing her general mood? Is it isolation, STD, what in her life has changed that is hurting her so much?