What should I do? Advice needed

[hunnibunni]

Hi everybody,

I'm 21 and have been with my boyfriend for almost 2.7 years. We love each other very much and he's my first boyfriend. Thing is, we've done pretty much everything except the deed. He's only been with one other person and I haven't been with anyone. He doesn't pressure me into anything so I'm really lucky that he's so patient and understanding.

I just feel that I don't want to regret my first time and I want it to be really romantic. Not just happening spur of the moment and at his house or mine but in a nice hotel or something.

The thing is, a while ago, I asked him if he could picture himself with anyone else (besides me). And he said he didn't know. Initially I was pretty upset because it makes me wonder how we could have been together for this long and how could he still not know. I asked him this because he is the only person I want to be with. I can't picture myself with anyone else.

Then he told me, he hasn't really thought that far ahead about marriage and that I should ask him in about 2 years when he's given it some real proper thought. I agreed and I'm fine with that. We're both still studying and not anywhere close to graduating so there's nothing wrong with that.

One of my friends told me that she finally did it with her boyfriend and I told my boy. I think he got annoyed at me because he said he didn't feel proud the way I did about the fact that we haven't slept together. It doesn't really help that his friends constantly ask him if we have done the deed or not.

Today I said to him that "I want to know that there is a future for us and that we're not just having sex to save our relationship. Coz if we break up, I'm gonna feel fkd up and then you'll probably be like 'At least I scored'." (He's not that kind of person - I guess I chose bad words when I said that). To which he replied "So does this mean we shouldn't be together anymore?" (coz he doesn't know if he wants to marry me yet) and then he left my house coz he had class.

I don't know what to do. Am I being crazy and too demanding in expecting him to know if he sees a future for us before I am willing to sleep with him? I don't think I would regret him being my first, because I really do love him but I want to know that there is a possibility that we could get married later.

I think another thing that bothers me is last year we almost broke up and he said he didn't want to be with me anymore. We worked everything out but those words have really screwed me up. I never thought that he would say something like that to hurt me but I guess he was really angry at me at the time. He apologised for it later and said he only said it because he was mad, but it still plays in my head whenever we have a fight and I think we're going to break up.

So the only two things holding me back from doing the deed is: I don't know if he wants to get married with me in the future and he said he didn't want to be with me anymore (when we almost broke up). Am I being ridiculous? I just feel that if we broke up I don't think I could get over this or him.

[vashti]

I think you are both way too young to be talking about marriage. Men are generally too immature for marriage much before the age of 30 (with some exceptions) and women the late 20s. Divorce statistics support my opinion.

One should never have sex because they feel pressured to. Are you opposed to premarital sex for religious reasons? If so, you might be better off with someone who shares this religious point of view.

I don't think he is "bad" because he wants to have sex, which after all, is a powerful and normal human drive, nor are you "bad" for not wanting to. You two just might not be a match if you view virginity differently.

[dreamer101]

I'd say follow your heart and instincts. If you'd rather save yourself for the one, then you have the right to and to be certain that he is the one. Don't be pressured by what your friends or his friends say.

[joe1234]

listen to that little voice in your head. its usually right

[Ellynn]

Thats pretty cool he has stayed with you that long without sex! (Not that he shouldn't, but its rare to find that, especially at that age.)

But you should not feel pressured into sleeping with him if you don't feel you are ready. And if you think sleeping together is a huge step......Marriage is even a BIGGER step! You both are quite young yet, and have time before settling down etc. Honestly I can't blame him for not really wanting to quite yet.

Sex brings no guarantees.....just like someone saying "I want to marry you someday" doesn't either. So you need to follow your heart on this one. I know you want your first time to be special. I think everyone has it planned out that way and are shocked to find out that sometimes its everything but. It can be awkward and uncomfy, but the times to follow can make up for it bigtime. So personally I think the first time is kinda overrated. But, it certainly does make a difference who you plan on sleeping with the first time, so make sure he's worth it!

Personally I would rather test drive the car before I Buy it.....but thats just me. I couldn't even imagine marrying someone and making that huge of a commitment before knowing if we are sexually compatable. I mean I almost completely wanna know how its gonna be, without having that piece of paper, before I am married.
I have just seen several couples who "waited" end up divorced for one reason or another because they just weren't. (Not that its the MOST important thing in a relationship, but it definately does make a difference.) (If not immediately, it certainly does in the long run.)

[Gigabitch]

Disclaimer: The following is an opinion, not necessarily advice, and comes from a very modern woman.

I think you're holding your virginity up like it's the Hope Diamond or something. Yes, your first time should be romantic and special- but that's all it is. Your first time. I think you should be asking yourself if you want to have sex with him- not whether you can barter your virginity for a wedding ring.