Opinions Needed!

[jimmy1200]

Firstly, hi all, i'm new here but after a bit of reading said i'd pose my dilema to you and see what you think.

Apologies, i've a feeling it'll be a bit on the long side!

Right, start from the start I suppose... I'll try set the scene a little bit...

Ok I've been dating this girl for the last 11 months. She has a child now 2yrs old from a previous relationship that ended before the child was born. Any way, we got on really well from the off, but shortly into the relationship she lost her job due to the company closing down and ended up staying more and more in my house to the extent that she pretty much moved in without tecnically doing so... At the time I didnt think too much about it. But the lease was up on my house so I moved loctation to another house and they moved in, in hind sight, this was not ideal for sure, but it happened and thats that, its was all a rush etc...

So in the new place, we have been doing nothing but fighting the majority of the time as she now has no money and without choice i've ended up supporting her and her child completely. (there's even no maintaince being paid and she said she doesnt want to ask for it incase the father wants to get involved in the child's life, currently zero contact, his choice) Now i've had to make massive cut backs in my life, even from not spending time with my friends, pretty much give up everything i've loved doing, and going from getting by ok to scraping just barely every month and worse. And when I want to do something with my money it causes a fight because she cannot do all the things she wants. There has been times where we went out and she got drunk and had fights over her not having money and me not giving her enough to enjoy her night, that was a massive insult to me...


I've attempted to break up with her, not over the money but over all the fighting etc, i just got sick of it. but she siad she loves me and refused to let me end it. She says i'm the one for her and so on so forth...

She said she wants me to be a committed parent full time to her child. But when she kept going on about that lately the more I think about what I want from life and selfish, maybe, but am I ready to be tied down, i'm only 25, and I think I might like to travel at some stage, who knows.. She has even brought up about having a child soon, to have a family close in age, I was like not a chance. I'm not ready to bring a life into this world so would not be fair on the child if I did.


She has a checkered past in terms of relationships, I reckon, from the limited bits of information she has told me, alot of partners, flings, bad relationships etc. It has come up twice i've suspected her of cheating, but nothing proved so I left it be. I'm the kind that needs proof to condem someone. She has become very secretive about her phone but i'm not too bothered about that, i think its just because she knows i'm suspected her of cheating and if I ever saw something I might take it out of context, girly texts etc...

So my questions are...

- Am I being used for my financial support?
- Can she actually be trusted when keeping her past a secret? whats she hiding?
- Is she just looking for a father to her child?
- Does she want another child just to keep me?

I'm just really confused right now and have all them thoughts running around in my head.

I do love her and her child is great, but i do have the feeling at times i'm being used and this just is not right...

Opinions please, a fresh unbaised view from the outside is what I need.

Thanks!

[ShyGuy81]

I will say reading your post has brought back some memories from my ex. Short of my ex not having a child I have been in a very very similar situation.

I ended up just having my ex move in with me when she lost her job, though never technically moving in she just came to stay for a while and never left. Again ended up supporting her, stopped doing the things I like doing, etc.

You should never be guilted into spending your money, I know it sounds harsh but if you are earning it then what you do with it is upto you. Granted it is harder as she has a child but at the end of the day if you have child you have to expect to make sacrifices. If she wants a night out but can't afford it then tough, ok it is not nice to say but you obviously gave her money to go out if she spent it all then that is not your fault and she has not right to have a go at you about it.

Like you I always suspected that my ex was cheating on me, never had actual proof so let it go. Had friends tell me that they had heard stuff but again nothing. She was also very secretive about her phone, whenever I suspected that she was cheating her phone was always on her and if it wasn't and curiosity got the best of me she had no messages or calls on it, despite having sat and text all night?! Then there would be the times that I would find the messages in my phone had been deleted, usually after I had left my phone for a while and she had run out of credit.

In the end she did come clean about cheating on me (once), but that transpired to be down to the fact that the guy was going to tell me himself if she didn't as some other people found out who knew me and convinced him to confess. I even found one of her messages that she didn't delete of MY PHONE that she sent which I confronted her about which she told me I took out of context. She made me feel really guilty about it and had a go at me and went off about how I don't trust her and how hurt she was yet I was right!

It certianly looks as if you are in a bad situation, there is definalty evidence to support that she is using you as her own private ATM which you shouldn't stand for. As soon as I stood up for myself and stopped being the walking ATM and telling my ex if she wanted to go out then she would have to pay for it herself as I was going out with my mates and needed the cash she broke up with me. That kind of proved that she didn't really love me and I was just being used.

Can't say for sure but if she knows you are getting fed up with her and are on the verge of breaking up with her then she may be using a 2nd child to try and keep you as she knows you are not the kind of guy who will just leave her.

My advice, as much as you may like her child and as hard as it may be it looks as you are being used and taken for a mug. It may be time to start looking at getting out of this relationship before you end up getting hurt.

It is just my opinion and I am sure there are other people which may or may not agree with me but at the end of the day you need to do what is best for you. Don't do something that you will regret later on, 25 is still young. That is about how old I was when I broke up with my ex and I wish I had done it sooner as I still have issues from it now which have impacted my relationships and life afterwards and I am working through.

Hope everything works out for the best,

Lee

[Raze]

If your asking those questions, then there's a problem with the relationship. The fact that she has a kid bothers me. The kid serves as a reminder of her ex. Do you really want that baggage? If you guys are fighting all the time, you need to end it.

[jimmy1200]

Fisrtly, thanks Lee for your reply.

Ya its a tough situation because when things are good they can be great, but always short lived.

So we had a massive fight again this weekend, the outcome was just shy of pretty much ending it.

I've decided im not willing to live together anymore and im going getting a smaller place and go back to having my own space and time and not feeling trapped 24/7. She said she didnt want this but eventually said she'll go along with anything to keep us together, which just confuses me.

@ Raze, cheers for the reply, ya its a thing i've tried to deal with and she wants me to see the kid as my own, but i'm just not able to, there is a bond there but nothing like i'd imagine if it was mine. No point sugar coating things but I just cant, and cant see it happening in the future.

So my decision will remove all financial support and give me the time to do what I want, when I want and the ability to have my own space.

I'll just have to look at things again then, but any decision will be easier and not let things happen like they did.