26 and never had a boyfriend

[Hypatia]

I am a 26-yr old female who has never had a boyfriend. I think I'm a pretty interesting and unique person overall. I'm reasonably attractive (have modelled professionally- 5'8/125), have an career primarily as a musician and occasional indie news writer and also environmental consultant, am not obnoxiously extroverted but comfortably outgoing. I more want to get a chance to try being in a relationship than any fear of not ever meeting "the one" that I see a lot of other people have- try anything once, ya know? I'd love to take the easy way out and say I'm picky, but the truth is that no one has ever indicated interest in me other than men much older than me (eg- my father's age) who are either married (and just looking for sex) or recently divorced, or lesbian or bisexual women. I wouldn't rule out an older man but the sort of situations I've encountered aren't what I want. I have no idea what is behind the women hitting on me, although it seems to happen with some frequency.

I really am at a loss for something I perceive to be statistically improbable here. My friends don't get it, and when I tell this fact to others for the first time they usually are shocked. I am a rather liberal and rational person so I can't say that I have a whole lot of limitations other than a certain level of intelligence and empathy that I look for. I've liked tall guys, short guys, class clowns, painfully shy bookworms, men of lots of different ethnic/social backgrounds, you name it.

I definitely have taken the initiative in trying to start relationships, be it asking guys on dates, telling them my feelings, or even planting the odd kiss. Men just never seem to want to get involved with me that way- either saying that they think of me as just a friend, or I'm not their "type". I've tried several dating sites and nothing has worked out. I've asked friends to set me up but usually they can't think of anyone, or they tell me I'm better off single. A couple of times they did set me up with someone, and in all of the cases the guy was not interested in a romantic relationship. Most of my friends at this time are guys (colleagues from work as a musician). This whole thing isn't a huge deal in the daily course of my life, but it is something that I think needs to be addressed, and I'd really like some ideas on why this may be.

[lastwish]

Men just never seem to want to get involved with me that way- either saying that they think of me as just a friend, or I'm not their "type".

I can't tell you exactly why men never seem to want to get involved with you (other than much older, unavailable men) because I don't know you as a person. But I suggest you don't date solely to find "Mr. Perfect" but instead try dating "Mr. Right Now". Another word, date more people. It will increase your chances of meeting "the one". Go to more social events like try taking classes (cooking classes, art classes, or whatever you are interested in).

By the way, why would your friends tell you, you are better being single?

[Gigabitch]

There's got to be some reason for this, and I couldn't possibly tell what it is without meeting you in person. I suggest you make an appointment with a dating coach (not kidding at all) and ask her/ him for an honest assessment.

There might be something about you that just rubs people the wrong way. Maybe you have terrible halitosis and nobody is honest enough to tell you. Maybe you laugh like Janice from Friends. It's got to be something pretty spectacular, because the person you've described is the kind of woman men usually line up for.

This is just plain weird.

[Hypatia]

I've gone to therapy with 3 different people over the years. The therapists were also at a loss and didn't have any concrete suggestions in my work with them (was with each for 3-4 months. I don't have health insurance now so can't go). The therapy was for dealing with depression and child abuse (physical/verbal)- though I have a handle on these things now.

I've asked my friends for years if there's any sort of obvious turn off. Some people said that I might be intimidating because I'm into a lot of different things, am intelligent/attractive, etc. Then I ask (the guys, anyway) well what's the story- why haven't they asked me out and it's always, well, guys say they want a smart, kind model, but they really don't want that- they want a cute short girl who's not TOO smart, being really curvy is better than being skinny, they'd "totally be into me but they already had a girlfriend", I'm their colleague/one of the guys, etc.

I don't know why certain of my friends would tell me I'm better off single, I guess that way I don't have to deal with the problems inherent in dating? Sounds like BS to me, honestly.

[1averagejoe]

Maybe ask a guy out? I mean maybe guys are just intimidated by you because you sound...well, close to perfect.

[Hypatia]

1averagejoe- I have asked out guys numerous times (probably about 20-30 guys I've made the first move on over the years) As I mentioned before I have done this in a variety of ways- just being blunt and telling them how I feel, inviting them for coffee/dinner/other activity, doing something physically obvious like kissing them or taking their hand, etc. I always get either- hey, I'm flattered but you're not my type, or I'm just not into you as more than friends.

[Gigabitch]

Well, I think your friends who say you're better off single are just insensitive. I don't see them dumping their boyfriends because you've opened their eyes to the possibilities of being single. Bitches.

I don't know what to tell you, actually. One of my dear friends is in the same boat. She's good-looking, has a successful career, owns her own house, but for some reason, she can't find the right guy. I take back what I said about halitosis.

I think the part that's really sad is that there are many guys you could be with, guys who would be right for you, and they're possibly also alone, or unhappy with the wrong woman. Three billion guys on the planet- there have GOT to be a few good matches for you.

Have you tried computer dating?

[Mish]

I'm reasonably attractive (have modelled professionally- 5'8/125)

We will be the judges of that. Post a pic or forever hold your peace

This whole thing isn't a huge deal in the daily course of my life, but it is something that I think needs to be addressed, and I'd really like some ideas on why this may be.

So, when you talk to guys how does the conversation ussually flow? What do you expect out of the encounter? Are you being too obvious? Too straight forward? Or too distant, or unapporachable? Do you deny closer interaction? Hesitate? Not sending the right signals? There could be a lot of things that routinely go wrong, please post a snippet for us of a conversation with a potential prospect.

[Hypatia]

Hi,

Well, there is that pic in my profile. I guess it's hard to see much. But basically you can just look up a picture of Alexis Bledel, that's who I look like except with green eyes (and they're not as bright). I look like her enough that people have several times thought I was her, and once I had this stalker (old man attendant at the uni dining hall) who exclusively referred to me as Rory from the Gilmore Girls tv show (he actually got suspended over this whole thing). I did a Sin City-type photo shoot once where they dressed me as her, too. So that plus being hired for some small modeling jobs and my friends saying I look pretty leads me to think at the very least I am mildly attractive.

Anyway, I suppose this is the most recent example. Guy in a group I play with (sexy dancing music in bars etc.) I realize is pretty cool. I don't play in the same section as him and haven't known him long so I want to get to know him better. We talk at gigs, first about music, then about other stuff. We dance on occassion. The band was chilling after a gig and the two of us talked for an hour, a little teasing, flirting, whatever. I ask if he'd like to do something Saturday night and he has plans. Okay- perfectly plausible. A gig gets cancelled a week or two later- I call him to see if he wants to hang that night. He has plans. We chat via email later on (I had some questions about this movie he recommended and mention I'd love to see it with him). He says the whole band should get together and see it. Finally after he mentions how busy he's been lately I suggest (via email) that it would be cool to grab coffee or something sometime- just the two of us. If he's interested and available, just let me know. He ignores this email entirely. When I see him again he says nothing about this, but is noticeably less physical. Now this one in particular didn't say outright that he wasn't digging it, but it seems like this is the case, and it's the most recent one.

In most other instances the guy has outright said I only think of you as a friend, I'm not attracted to you like that, etc. but those are really too many failures to list here.

[1averagejoe]

I'll go out with you .

Hehe, sadly you're to old for me. I say go to a star wars convention dressed like one of the female characters. That should do it...

[Mish]

Well, there is that pic in my profile. I guess it's hard to see much. But basically you can just look up a picture of Alexis Bledel, that's who I look like except with green eyes (and they're not as bright).

Yes, and I look like regular Brad Pitt. In fact someone once told me that (true story)




Post the pic. (Schwarzenegger accent) Do it NOW!

Anyway, I suppose this is the most recent example. Guy in a group I play with (sexy dancing music in bars etc.) I realize is pretty cool. I don't play in the same section as him and haven't known him long so I want to get to know him better. We talk at gigs, first about music, then about other stuff. We dance on occassion. The band was chilling after a gig and the two of us talked for an hour, a little teasing, flirting, whatever. I ask if he'd like to do something Saturday night and he has plans. Okay- perfectly plausible. A gig gets cancelled a week or two later- I call him to see if he wants to hang that night. He has plans. We chat via email later on (I had some questions about this movie he recommended and mention I'd love to see it with him). He says the whole band should get together and see it. Finally after he mentions how busy he's been lately I suggest (via email) that it would be cool to grab coffee or something sometime- just the two of us. If he's interested and available, just let me know. He ignores this email entirely. When I see him again he says nothing about this, but is noticeably less physical. Now this one in particular didn't say outright that he wasn't digging it, but it seems like this is the case, and it's the most recent one.

In most other instances the guy has outright said I only think of you as a friend, I'm not attracted to you like that, etc. but those are really too many failures to list here.

Hmm. Perhaps you need to build on being more subtle? Nothing destroys attraction quicker than a direct expression of interest. Interest has to flow with the conversation it has to mirror what's being said. Any further engagements has to link up directly to what you talk about mirroring sentiment, feelings and logic of the conversation. Next time try not being too direct. You can create the next meeting by linking it to what you just talked about. E.g. "Wow, I didn't know you liked Ice Skating so much. You know I was suppose to go with my friend Ice Skating this weekend but she cancelled on me (bitch!) Ice Skating by yourself is so boring, you know anyone who might like to join me?" He revealed that he likes an activity, you revealed that you like it as well and it's something both of you have in common. You revealed that you are availble to meet up next weekend, but you didn't reveal an interest in him, you used the power of suggestion. Now he has to come up with a good reason why he can't join you doing something he likes and if he does you haven't lost anything, you didn't erxactly reveal that you're intersted in him, just that you don't like to ice skate alone. You weren't obvious so you are left with further opportunities to subtley hint at another get together further down the line.

Any other examples?

[Only-virgins]

Therapists? what? why? all because you don't have a boyfriend? I'm 25 and I have never had a girlfriend.

Anyways, I'm telling you dumb girls. Times have changed...you have to put some ****ing effort into wanting someone these days too for crying out loud. I see great looking girls all the time, I just figure they are taken. I would figure you are taken TC. Other than that you sound great, are you maybe to pushy? how early do you start mentioning the relationship things and kissing them?

[DoesntMatter]

Therapists? what? why? all because you don't have a boyfriend? I'm 25 and I have never had a girlfriend.

Haha... you're old

[Only-virgins]

Haha... you're old

Aren't you the guy who has never had sex and is trying to hump everyone on LF?

[misombra]

hey don't act like he's the only one...