What are guys scared of???

[mountaingirl]

Hi gentlemen, i have a question for you...

..what does it mean when you have been in a serious relationship for a few years, are in your mid twenties, tell your gf that you lover her, she's the one, you want to get married and have babies with her...

...but you still have not proposed??

and you know she really wants it? (and she's really really trying not to nag you about it?)

well that's my situation. we have been together for a few years and i would love to be engaged to move on in our relationship, move to the next step. i dont want to get married right away, because i want to enjoy being engaged for a while. (and he knows this) so what's the big deal?

is he maybe not as commited as he says? is he saying this to make me happy but really he doesn't want to marry me?

i ask him these questions and he still assures me he does but that he isn't ready. what would make him ready? is it just a feeling he has to have? is there a point when i shouldn't wait anymore?

[Kotten]

Why haven't you proposed? In the 21st century, women are allowed to pop the question.

[mountaingirl]

ooh good question. because he will most likely say no (of if he said yes i think it will be awkward) because he says we aren't ready because we aren't settled. on my side, i want to be engaged to move to the next step, to show that we are totally serious despite this difficult time right now (not with each other, but we are in the process of moving countries, me first, him later) but he says we should be settled in one place first. I understand where he is coming from, if we were going to get married right away, but i dont want that for his reasons. i just want to be engaged. :/ does this make sense?

[mafj99]

How is everything in the relationship with you both, are things going well? Is everything healthy and as it should be?

If everything is going well and he says that he isn't ready but you are the one he wants to be with and he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, etc. then he may just not be ready.

I can see why you would be frustrated as you are ready to take the next step but he isn't but it may not mean there is anything wrong.

I was previously engaged, at the time I loved my (now ex) girlfriend, was living with her and loved her very much and we had talked about getting married. Sometimes when walking past shops she would stop and look in the window of jewlers at rings. Anyway long story short, she really wanted to get engaged and I wasn't sure I was ready. After a while I did end up proposing to her and we got engaged but it is a decision I regret as I did it before I was ready.

Like with you we had discussed having a long engagement and there being no rush, that did change though we got engaged as then all the planning started and she was looking at dates in places that were 18 months away and talking about getting a deposit toeghter as we needed to think about booking now as there are large waiting times, etc.

I am not suggesting that you will do this, I am just giving you an example of what happened to myself and if I would not get engaged again until I was ready to do so now. If you both love each other and everything is fine then don't rush into it or try and pressure him to do it as it may end badly.

On the other hand however, you can't wait for ever and I can see why you may start to doubt how he feels about you. If he knows it is something you want and you believe he means it when he says you are the one for him then give him time. How much time is upto you and only you can decide on how long you are prepeared to wait for him to be ready.

S

ps - In case you were wondeirng the reason that the gilfriend became an ex was not because we got engaged. She was as I found out later, unfaithful (several times) and treated me quite badly. When I stood up for myself and stop giving in to her demands she left.

[mountaingirl]

mafj99--thanks so much for your input. i do feel like my bf isn't ready, and i really need to remind myself to not pressure him. This is his first real serious relationship. (but not mine..i've been in several and nearly engaged [guy had ring but we broke up before he asked]). i guess this is why it's taking him "so long." he wants to be 100% sure. I guess I get insecure sometimes and think it's me that he doesn't love me enough but that is dangerous territory and frankly, not true. I think I know when "enough is enough" so to speak. We have a good relationship but we will be facing a bit of a challenge: embarking on a LDR until we can live together in the same country. I guess we will have to see how we do then!

[mafj99]

It is never good to question things and ask "what if's?" as that can tear you appart. If you are going to be appart for a while in different countries then that may also explain why. The last thing I would want to do after getting engaged is then not be able to see my girlfriend. As it is that new step it adds something new into the relationship and some of that could be lost by being appart so he is probablly waiting until you are together properly again, that is what I would do anyway.

Good look with the moving, I hope it all goes well and I am sure when you get settled in the same country together things will sort themselves out.

S

[Gribble]

That's what a guy says to a girl he still likes but whose biological clock is ticking. He doesn't want to have children or get married, but he doesn't want to give the girl up, so he lies.

[Sonrisa]

so, you don't want to get married right away anyway. do you want an expensive piece of jewelry, is that it?

[mountaingirl]

Gribble: a bit cynical? maybe you are right, but i would like to believe that he does want that one day

Sonrisa: no, it's not the jewelry. He has asked me the same question. It's more like I want to take a step in our relationship but i dont know what it would be besides getting engaged. we already live together and we have been together for a few years. we have a wonderful relationship: we travel, we've met each other's parents. and i like the idea of being engaged. of sharing with our loved ones that we intend to marry. being engaged makes his words that he loves me and want to marry me more official.

also, i guess i would also feel like he's "walking the walk" so to speak. he is a very sweet man and tells me a lot about how i'm the one, etc, but i guess maybe i need something more than words (but not necessarily an expensive piece of jewelry )

[Gribble]

Being sweet costs nothing. I've been sweet before. I've told girls they were the one. Granted that's the worst case scenario.

I'd say it's more likely he isn't ready but he doesn't want to screw things up by saying so.

[vashti]

Mid twenties? What exactly does that mean?

Personally, I think "mid twenties" is too young to get married. Add to that the stress and uncertainty of moving to a new country, and I think it would be a giant mistake.

That said, you shouldn't wait around forever if marriage is your goal. Decide how long you are willing to wait, and then move on. A girl can't wait forever if she wants a family (though I still think you are on the young side to be worried).