Boyfriend.. and cleanliness

[pixeldust]

Hi

I'm about 3 months into a relationship with a great guy. Most things about him are fantastic, but I'm having real problems with his hygiene.

He showers rarely. I'm talking maybe once a week, if that. He's fortunate that he doesn't have bad body odour (that is the saving grace), but I do notice it, and it is starting to really bother me. He has bad dandruff, probably the worst I have ever seen.

He also lives in a right state - the shared parts of his house are fine and he tidies after himself out of respect for his flatmate, but his room is so messy you can barely see the carpet!

I'm a pretty clean person, I shower every day religiously, I change my sheets once a week, I'm generally quite neat but not obsessively so. I don't freak out over dirt or mess too much.

He's talking about me moving in with him over the next few months, and quite honestly I'm a bit scared. I think if we have a shared space it won't be so bad, but I don't know how to bring this stuff up with him.

A couple of times I've suggested that he has a shower at my house, and he's done it a few times, but the last couple he's gotten offended at the suggestion so I'm hesitant to suggest it again, because it seems like he sees it as nagging. It's not, I don't think, I just think there is a certain amount of effort that you should be making, such as a shower at least every few days

So, how do I do it without hurting his feelings, or appearing to be nagging?

[lilly1185]

Its probably a behaviour he's had since long before you, and nothing you can change. Can you honestly live with it?

And, begging a thousand pardons, but it seems a might too soon for you guys to be moving in, particularly if you can already tell you're going to be playing house maid to him.

There isn't a lot you can do, unfortunately. What worries me is the increasing possibility you'll experience UTIs and yest infections with this guy- *cringe* All the build up down below isn't good for your nether regions.

You can gently suggest he shower more frequently, but I doubt he will understand why. Or he'll get defensive, and do little to change.
At which point you'll have to ask yourself, "Is it really worth it?"
Hold off for a year or two before deciding to move in with him.

[Heratriumphant]

I very firmly believe that hygiene differnces are one of those things that CAN NOT be overcome.

You might convince him to pick up and shower more often for a while, but it won't last. He'll backslide and get annoyed with your nagging and you'll resent have to ask him to do those things.

Also, once the blush of newness is off the relationship chances are you'll start to become repulsed by his stinkiness and lose your physical attraction to him.

Hygiene compatiblity is seriously overlooked, but I truely think it is one of the big make or break issues in relationships.

[lahnnabell]

pixel, do you happen to know how long this guy has been living on his own, minus his parents? Sounds like when he DID live at home he was used to having mommy do his dirty work. This is typically one of the only reasons guys remain this messy for this long.

What strikes me as odd is that he didn't feel the need to put on a good front going into the relationship. Typically the 3 month mark is when someone might STOP trying as hard to impress their SO. He never even bothered it seems.

After a year of commuting back and forth, my ex and I moved across the country together and signed a 6-month lease. Lucky for us, we fell apart just as the lease was up. A good portion of our issues were due to his lack of respect for our communal space (which was small already), and dismissed my requests for help with housework. He'd been used to his mom doing his dishes, and picking up his laundry, so all that work just transferred to me when we moved in together. I should've known he was going to have to find his own balance before we attempted cohabitation.

[vashti]

Such infrequent bathing is a sign of depression. I don't know about yeast infections and UTIs, but I can't imagine wanting to have sex with someone who doesn't bathe very regularly.

I wouldn't DREAM of moving in with this guy. No way. Never.

[Lipp]

Just say that you won't sleep with him because of his hygiene and he'll change in a split second.

[Neo(n)]

Just say that you won't sleep with him because of his hygiene and he'll change in a split second.

lol nice =P

you know, if someone doesn't have a reason to change, they just wont. It seems like you putting up with his hygene is making him believe that it doesn't matter that he rarely showers.

TBH his hygene does sound pretty horrible, i shower and clean myself up nearly every morning, the only times i don't are if, i dont have any plans that day or i have to get up really early, and even then i will never put off a shower for more than 1 day!

Also he seems way too touchy about his hygene, i don't mean to offend at all but, he sounds rather immature and kinda pathetic if, with his lifestyle, you suggesting he should have a shower is insulting him.

[abra kadabra]

If that has been his regular pattern of hygiene for most of his adult life then yeah, not sure that it something you are going to change. Once a week by most people's standards is pretty rare, unless there is something causing such a lack of motivation, such as depression like Vashti pointed put.

If is REALLY bothers you and is putting you off or causing you to doubt the relationship in any way then he needs to understand this as a relationship is about compromise. Maybe try and talk with him about it rather than just dropping the hint he needs to have a shower or asking him to - he might not see a reason why he should have a shower there and then, however , if he knows it is getting to you then that might spark some thought about his routine (I emphasise the word MIGHT).

Definitely sounds like a lack of motivation, as does his messy room. It might be down to a particular problem or might just be who he is, in which case it might just have to be something you learn to love and live with (or not). I was a pretty messy lad in my teens but like most grew out of it when I lived with other people. Shame that hasn't worked for him.

Good luck!

[reeges]

Likely as not his hygiene habits don't even occur to him, and talking bluntly to him about them could bring the issue to light. even if he does get upset or offended about it, at least from that point on he'll keep the problem in the back of his mind. better hygiene will manifest almost subconsciously.

beyond that, i think avoiding the issue at this stage in the relationship would set a bad precedent. if something exists in the relationship that prevents you from enjoying each other's company to the fullest (as his cleanliness definitely does) it should be faced head on, not avoided.

[Aeradalia]

How did his flatmate encourage him to tidy up in the shared rooms? Might be worthwhile to question his logic on that... and why it doesn't seem to apply to you.

[pixeldust]

Just say that you won't sleep with him because of his hygiene and he'll change in a split second.

I wish that would work, but I doubt it. He doesn't seem to have a very high libido, I often try to initiate sex and he'll chuckle at me like it is silly that I would even think of it. I don't think that's his currency anyway! (Though it definitely is mine)

[pixeldust]

pixel, do you happen to know how long this guy has been living on his own, minus his parents? Sounds like when he DID live at home he was used to having mommy do his dirty work. This is typically one of the only reasons guys remain this messy for this long.

Not too sure, quite a while I'm guessing? It's not unusual, I know that, most of my ex's have been the same way!

I don't actually mind cleaning up, I'm one of those people who just enjoys having a tidy space, so I'm not too concerned there. At the moment he won't let me clean at his place, but I'm not surprised, since it's his space at the moment, not mine.

[lahnnabell]

This guy sounds like a child. Laughing at your sexual advances. That can be pretty disheartening and embarrassing for someone. So... does he have any good qualities?

[lahnnabell]

Not too sure, quite a while I'm guessing? It's not unusual, I know that, most of my ex's have been the same way!

I don't actually mind cleaning up, I'm one of those people who just enjoys having a tidy space, so I'm not too concerned there. At the moment he won't let me clean at his place, but I'm not surprised, since it's his space at the moment, not mine.

If you start picking up after him, he'll have no reason to change his behavior. He's going to learn that he can put his feet up while you do the work. This is not an equal relationship.

You WILL begin to mind cleaning for him when you have better things to do. Don't go down this road. I've been there and it sucked balls. Relationships are about compromise and if you were to move in with him ever you'd be pooling your assets. He doesn't have any respect for his space, and I doubt he will respect yours.

[SirWagginston]

This guy sounds weird. I'm curious to hear more about him, too.