Is HOW I feel WRONG ?!

[LISA SIMPSON]

BACKGROUND INFO: My Husband works as a teacher and with a staff person he secretly formed a relationship. When I say relationship I do not mean sexual one. Approximately two months ago I found my Husband knocked out sleep on our bed with his text messaging screen open. Upon closing his phone the words " love, cry" popped out to me. I proceeded to read the text conversation. It was apparent than that my Husband knew his coworker more personally then he had ever disclosed. I immediately woke him up and asked him what these text messages meant. Some hours later he confessed that he had secretly formed a personal relationship (for the past 5 months) with a white female coworker. He told me, "he liked that she did whatever he said"...."that she seemed interested". Additionally, he proclaimed that he felt nothing sexual for her but "liked her". Which sounds and feels like to me that he had formed an emotional bond--which is another facet close to cheating and on the most basic level dishonesty. At that and this time we have been not seeing eye-to-eye either. We have been married exactly two years (by law) and four years together total. After I found out about this "relationship" I confronted the lady via phone/text message. I wanted to know her side of the story. When I confronted her she was completely aloof and downplayed the whole relationship. Summing it all up, she said they only gosspied about others and talked "work".
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Because I confronted her I am no longer allowed to visit my Husband's place of work (per his demand). My Husband says that he would be on "pins and needles" if I were around and that he is afraid of how I would act. As I have told him repeatedly if I wanted to seek revenge on his coworker I have done so already. As I know her home address and both places of employment ( how do I know, I am a detective of sorts ).
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PROBLEM: Tonight was the last opportunity for me to go with my Husband to one of his work functions because I am leaving the state in a few weeks and he is not( he choose to stay longer and move to our new place of residence a month and a half later). See as a teacher his students and he have a band that plays locally. Before this "incident" I would accompany him to these functions all the time. But not anymore, because of the above reasons.

Anywho, when my Husband got home I asked him how the gig went. He said well and after repeated probing indicated that the coworker from the "incident" was present. At that point, I wanted so bad to control how I felt. But, I couldn't. I let my Husband know how mad, sad, frustrated and hurt I was for not being able to attend his gig. Especially when "she" is there.
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ADDTL PROB: His feelings are NOW hurt by my actions/display of feelings tonight and SO ARE mine for feeling this way. Why on God's earth would I want to hurt him? I don't. I just want things to be as they were so I voiced it. Not intentionally, it just happened...and on the eve of our wedding anniversary none the less. How uncool.
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IS HOW I FEEL WRONG?!

[sookie6]

First thing is: you have the right to demand loyalty to your husband...he is your husband and sexually cheating on you would make him liable to all sorts legally...

Now in this particular case they do not seem to sleep together...yet but the relationship is going this way (his talking about how she does as he asks is weird and touches to some sexual subconscious behaviour if you see what I mean?)...

Anyway I'd say these two are emotionally cheating and that keeping you away from his work place is not right...he has definitely crossed a line here by telling his wife to not interfere with this side of his life...

Unsure what you are expecting now from yourt marriage...what are your feelings for your husband...is he someone you want to fight for...do you love him? does he make you happy?

Regardless of your husband selfish behaviour are there needs of his that you are not currently adressing. If you think about it objectively are you providing him with the attention, the interest, the sex a man needs...and what about you...where do you stand in the relationship...are you happy? Does he treat you well???

[TheGoodGuy]

Your poll is skewed and biased. Yes you should tell someone how you feel, we'll all agree with that, but that doesn't make you right in this situation. Far from it, I think you're very wrong.

It sounds like he's developing a friendship with a work colleague (why exactly did we need to know she was white? How is this relevant? I don't understand that bit). By making accusations, you've made it more likely that your husband will cheat on you eventually, and you're also putting his career in danger. If my wife confronted one of my work colleagues with these kind of accusations I would be furious. It makes me look unprofessional, it makes my wife look like a jealous loon and it makes people at work worried about striking up a friendship with me. You have no evidence that this is anything but a friendship, apart from your paranoia. It's clear you're already taking this too far, because you've gone to the trouble to find out all this information about a lady that your husband has become friends with.

My advice is get your emotions and jealousy in check. This is far more important to your relationship than who your husband decides to be friends with.

he had formed an emotional bond--which is another facet close to cheating

Read this back to yourself, please tell me it sounds as absurd to you as it does to me?

[xxazurexx]

He told me, "he liked that she did whatever he said"...."that she seemed interested".

I'd be wanting to know, what she's doing that he tells her to do and 'interested' in what exactly?

Saying that, I don't think there is enough evidence that points to a 'fully fledged' affair going on. You can't just say that your husband is having an affair and because he has befriended a woman at work.

What you can do from this point, is to keep your eyes and ears WIDE OPEN.

If on the offchance these two had been getting too close for comfort (and nobody knows for sure what is going on, other than these two), the fact you have confronted with the little evidence you had, will have nipped it in the bud. Which means that if an affair was on the cards for these two, you have probably stopped it in it's tracks and before it got chance to progress further. That isn't saying it was an affair, it's saying that on the 'offchance', that it would have led to more.

As I said, from this point you need to keep the eyes and ears open.

Signs to watch out for are:

DISTANCING - Is he acting 'distant', like his mind is away with the fairies most of the time and while at home and with you.....HIS MIND IS ELSEWHERE

APPETITE - Is he still eating normally, or has his eating habits changed (eating less)......HE IS FEELING SICK WITH GUILT

ROUTINE - When we live with someone and over a long period of time, we get used to and become familiar with their daily routine. Has his routine changed in any way. Is he leaving the home at times he wouldn't normally be away from home? Does he go out during the evening, whereas he wouldn't usually go out?

Is he being a lot more secretive with his mobile phone? Is he recieving texts/calls that come at late/early hours of the morning?

The above are some indicators, that a man could be cheating. HOWEVER....he is more likely to be cheating and if you are noticing all of the above signs, COMBINED and TOGETHER.

You can't say for sure, that your husband would be cheating and because of solely a loss of appetite. He could just be unwell, therefore he would lose his appetite.

If he was actually cheating, you would be noticing MANY signs he was/or could be and all at the same time

[all alone]

I can understand him wanting to stay away from work related events. I am sure he does not want jeopardize his current job and risk a large amount of trouble/embarassement by having to deal with the aftermath of the confrontation between you and ms. lady is that should ever happen. Although you also mentioned that he should not be worried about such an event, because you could have done so already, well you proved to us that you are a ticking time bomb of sorts when you blew up at him once he got home.. i guess you kind of proved his point by doing so..

Is it normal to want to share in the life of your partner and in his career, sure, however you need to carefully balance your current circumstances, your emotions and relationship.

[darrick111]

I am a man. I can call myself that because I don't cheat, have never cheated, nor will I ever. I don't know your husband from Adam, but I can promise you this: He has cheated, is cheating and will continue to cheat. NOTHING you feel is wrong. Listen to your instincts! Women have better instincts than men and mine are pretty damn good, so I can't imagine what yours are like. I know you love him, but there must come a time and place where you love yourself enough to not continue to let yourself be treated that way. You have more value than you know and when you see that, you'll realize you're better than that! Listen to your heart and react appropriately. Good luck hon!

[sookie6]

I'm stating this prepared to provoke a storm among the LF crowd.

Why would a married man want to strike up a new friendship with another woman?

What needs would this new woman cater that his wife is not providing? Whether emotional or physical these needs should be met by his wife and his wife only...otherwise why get married in the first place???

To TeGoodGuy why don't you want to admit that the way the OP described it, the relationship her husband has developed with the other woman is more than profesional...why would she text him after work then? and why would his wife not be allowed to approach her husband at work??? This is a complete joke...

And you know what? if some wife (or husband) came at my workplace to confront someone about their relationship with their married partner I would not think they are out of line...we are not robots, we can't always do what's appropriate...and sometimes there are gonna be some drama and bottom line the husband is the one who has introduced the third party in his family life...

If my husband struck up friendship with a woman I would expect him to invite her home so that I get to know her and no I would not be pleased if he met her for coffees or movies as a one to one...I would never accept this and I would find it odd that he wishes to...

At some point in our life we have to accept growing up which means that when we get married flirting/seeking the attention of another person is not acceptable.

As far as I'm concerned I would not dare texting a married man...why would I?

[SirWagginston]

I'd feel weird about it, too.

[Incognito]

Your poll is skewed and biased. Yes you should tell someone how you feel, we'll all agree with that, but that doesn't make you right in this situation. Far from it, I think you're very wrong.

It sounds like he's developing a friendship with a work colleague (why exactly did we need to know she was white? How is this relevant? I don't understand that bit). By making accusations, you've made it more likely that your husband will cheat on you eventually, and you're also putting his career in danger. If my wife confronted one of my work colleagues with these kind of accusations I would be furious. It makes me look unprofessional, it makes my wife look like a jealous loon and it makes people at work worried about striking up a friendship with me. You have no evidence that this is anything but a friendship, apart from your paranoia. It's clear you're already taking this too far, because you've gone to the trouble to find out all this information about a lady that your husband has become friends with.

My advice is get your emotions and jealousy in check. This is far more important to your relationship than who your husband decides to be friends with.



Read this back to yourself, please tell me it sounds as absurd to you as it does to me?

Ha, spoken like the true stereotypical male. By questioning him she is showing that she's not some unaware idiot that can be cheated on easily. She's also NOT putting his career in danger unless she shows up at the school with the intention of starting trouble. Also YOUR wife wouldn't need to confront you with anything unless you were doing something that might be questionable. Married people need to be aware of the fact that friendships with the opposite sex should be limited or avoided ESPECIALLY friendships where the other person is interested and "does what he tells her to". "Get emotions and jealousy in check"? I think you mean "shut up and stop cock blocking" don't you? Men like you disgust me, you give all the rest of us a bad reputation, and you remind me why I don't have many male friends.

I can understand him wanting to stay away from work related events. I am sure he does not want jeopardize his current job and risk a large amount of trouble/embarassement by having to deal with the aftermath of the confrontation between you and ms. lady is that should ever happen. Although you also mentioned that he should not be worried about such an event, because you could have done so already, well you proved to us that you are a ticking time bomb of sorts when you blew up at him once he got home.. i guess you kind of proved his point by doing so..

Is it normal to want to share in the life of your partner and in his career, sure, however you need to carefully balance your current circumstances, your emotions and relationship.

If he didn't want to risk embarrassment he shouldn't be having contact with a woman who is attracted to him, especially outside of work. Your "ticking time bomb" comment is laughable. She simply reacted to the fact that she "isn't allowed" to come to events while the woman who has a crush on him is there (and probably sitting with him). This would be less of an issue if there were no after work contact, but it seems that they couldn't help themselves (which isn't a good sign). Friends respect boundaries, what they have is more than a simple friendship.


@ Lisa Simpson: Something is definetly going on. You know it, I know it, and even these guys who are trying to down you know it. Once this gets to the point that he is putting this "friendship" before your marriage you will be fighting an uphill battle. I also think that him staying while you go out of state will be an opportunity for "bad things" to happen. Have someone keep an eye on him while you are away. To answer you original question: No, you are not wrong for feeling the way that you do.

[bluesummer]

Sorry, but if you're married, all your relationships should be open to scrutiny (in a sense). If he's spending time with or building a relationship with another woman, why would he want to keep it a secret? What's to hide? You have every right to ask about her.....although maybe you want to avoid outright accusation. By going directly to her and asking questions right away, you let your emotions take charge of your thought processes, rather than remaining collected and logical. Yeah, it probably embarrassed him, and her too.

However, doesn't mean you have to put up with shady behaviour. Having a female friend that you are not allowed to be around is, as his wife, wrong. Having female friends is alright, but I smell trouble when they have to text each other instead of calling and being willing to have conversations when you're around. Shady, shady business. Eyes wide open, my dear.

[Gigabitch]

Because I confronted her I am no longer allowed to visit my Husband's place of work (per his demand).

Oh, horseshit. This guy is living in his own private Idaho. Who the hell does he think he is? If I found a "Love- cry" text on my husband's phone, HE would be the one not allowed to go back to his workplace unattended.

[ftm]

What an interesting situation.

As long as you manage to keep your emotions/actions in check when discussing this with your husband you will retain the upper hand. What I mean is, showing up at this woman's house or doing something similarly drastic would be a terrible idea. That being said, you need to continue to make your feelings known to your husband. I don't think that anything you have done or said is remotely unreasonable. This is obviously much more than a friendship with a colleague at work. I don't think he's cheating (in the physical sense) but I think there's definitely a reason that you haven't learned about this "friendship" until now.

I agree with the other posters here who have said that he may be seeking something from this woman that he feels lacking elsewhere. That isn't to blame you. It's HIS fault for not addressing those problems and seeking those things from you.

Do I understand your post correctly when I say that you are leaving the state and he will be on his own for a month and a half? No wonder you are so upset. if I were you I'd be pretty insecure and upset.

From what you have posted, it sounds to me like he hasn't done much to alleviate your concerns and has cast you in the role of "insane, jealous wife." You need to make it clear to him that you expect to be a bigger priority than that. If he doesn't come around, keep pushing it, gently, but firmly. I don't think anyone here has recommended counseling of some kind yet, so I will do it. If this kind of dishonesty/disregard for your feelings continues, it's something you should be addressing actively NOW, rather than further down the road.

[sookie6]

I sometimes feel that these tricky situations are the worse because there has not been actual cheating yet so you feel compelled to keep a cool head about it.

However to me, it feels that your husband has already crossed a line...and yes there is something terribly wrong in what he has done....I would say that this is a big hurdle to overcome in your marriage...it's not something that you can brush away in a few days because it will come back to haunt you...

I'm not sure how old you are, and what your feelings are exactly for your husband? Do you, on your side, feel a strong compatibilty? do you feel loved?

Because this might be an opportunity to re-examine your feelings...I think it's way to early to think about couselling (keep your money in your wallet for now)...but think think for yourself...think about what you want...

[IndiReloaded]

Its a bit weird that you made a poll for something that should be this serious to you.