A mess and being taken for granted

[freedy]

I've been with my b/f on and off for just over 1 year now, to cut a long story short he is a mess. We both left long-term relationships, and I have been able to move and start a new life he has found it harder. He is in the final stages of his divorce (days away) and has 3 children. To make matters worse his father passed away 2 months ago.

We don't live together, but my frustration is with the way that he treats me. I do my best to be understanding that he has lot of problems at the moment, but here's how it is:

He stays at my flat during the week, then alternate weekends goes back to his to have his kids over. His daughters have refused to meet me, so I stay away those weekends. He says he's not ready to move in together, and as he won't address the problem with his daughters I see no point in even discussing the matter.

Recently I have been feeling taken for granted, he's started making arrangements with his family and just going back to his place, with no prior warning to me. He was invited to my brother's house on Xmas Day and he wouldn't say yes or no, only for me to find out by accident from his mum that he's spending the day there. Last night I found out by chance that he was staying at his house because he was meeting his brother. I have no problem whatsoever with him spending time with his friends and family, at his home, but all I ask for to be told.

I tried to explain to him last week that I am feeling used and second best, and he reacted badly saying that I want to control him and stop him seeing his children! All I am asking for some consideration. After last night when it happened again I sent him a text saying his thoughtlessness is hurting me, I get a reply back saying "I don't need this"!! I've told him not to come back to my home again this week. What's worse is we had a lovely weekend together, and then he ruins it all the next day with this thoughtless behaviour.

Am I being unreasonable here?! I've been a doormat with him for far too long and for the first time and standing up to him, but instead of apologising he just gets angry with me.

[gigigi4]

Just to be clear, he left his family for you and other than not letting you know about Christmas, you're mainly upset at his leaving your place to go to his family's without giving you enough prior warning? I'm sorry to be blunt, but even though he left his wife and children, you can't expect them to just disappear and stop being a priority for him. You guys created a really messy situation together and it's not going to just go away. He has to continue to make his kids his priority. If you wanted to be with a man w/out this much baggage, you should only go for single guys...

[freedy]

He didn't leave them for me, he'd been planning it for months before even meeting me, I was the final push.

I have no objection whatsoever to him not spending Xmas with me, or giving me short notice to arrangements - but I get no notice he doesn't tell me, so I end up sat around waiting for him to appear.

Yes, his family are the priority but I deserve some consideration.

[sweetkissesforu]

Just to be clear, he left his family for you and other than not letting you know about Christmas, you're mainly upset at his leaving your place to go to his family's without giving you enough prior warning? I'm sorry to be blunt, but even though he left his wife and children, you can't expect them to just disappear and stop being a priority for him. You guys created a really messy situation together and it's not going to just go away. He has to continue to make his kids his priority. If you wanted to be with a man w/out this much baggage, you should only go for single guys...

i agree but she should also be important and informed with his plans

[SealedWithAKISS]

It seems you want more than he is willing to give at the moment. He is likely occupied with grief and needs time to process unsettled emotions from his divorce. Just give him his space and make your plans based on his level of commitment to you. I know its hard to watch someone fade out when you want them to tune in and work on the relationship/romance. Hopefully its just a phase. Just let him be free to roam nomadically. Give him some positive words and let him deal with his issues.

If he loves you, he will come to you when he is emotionally ready.

[freedy]

Thank you for your reply, it really helped me, and gave me some hope.

But this morning I received an email from him saying that he doesn't want a relationship with me anymore. I am so confused, it was only last weekend that we'd spent together and he said he loved me, and that he was going to make Christmas really good for us. Four weeks ago he'd said that he wanted me to get to know his son and could see us moving in together in the future.

This was the first time I'd really stood up to him, and now he says he has no interest in making things better anymore.

I've spent the last year being patient with him, last Christmas he did the very same thing to me, said he just wants to be alone, and then 3 months later he came back begging for forgiveness.

I wish I didn't, but I love him, but he's so emotionally unstable and its so hurtful. I try to be supportive but when I receive an email saying I don't want to be in a relationship with you, and I've worked so hard, its very hard to remain calm and rational.

We both work in the same company, in the same department. Thankfully today the snow has given me an excuse to work at home, but he messes up so many aspects of my life like this. Today I just hate him.

[reeba]

you need to reaed the responses to a post by 'lovebird72' regarding being the rebound girl. don't be fooling yourself into thinking that you are the exception to the norm and think your rebound relationship is going to work.

also, texting him saying 'you feel hurt'? if i received a text like that i would be pissed too. texting was DEFINTELY not the apporpriate form of communication. STOP texting and have a regular old fashion conversation. i text when i have a short question/comment or just want my bf to know i'm thinking about him. not when i'm trying to pick a fight or looking for long lengthy meaningful discussion. what on earth did you want him to do when he got that text?