Blame game -

[gwhite]

Hi everyone,
I need a little advice. My husband has a bad relationship with one of my daughters and it has taken a toll on our marriage. This is my second marriage and none of my kids are his. He gets along with 3 out of 4 of the girls and he and my other daughter just do not speak to each other. He tells me it is my fault that she acts the way she does, and it probably is. However, when things happen in the house like items coming up missing or items break, he wants to instantly blame her for the problem.

Here are a couple of situations. First he put up plastic on the Windows. My daughter was sitting in the room near the computer and the plastic was coming down from the top part of the windows. He instantly said she pulled the plastic off of the window. I asked her and she said it pulled away itself. I looked at the top of the windows and the adhesive was not sticking like it had been earlier. I fixed the window with new tape and explained that the adhesive did not stick. He didn't care what I had to say. After than it made me so mad that I told him to "grow up". Now I know some of you are going to say I was out of place but I have really had enough. Well at this point he is upset, I apologized but he said it doesn't matter because he is not going to stop blaming her for things that happen.

Another situation was he left his glasses on the kitchen table and then they came up missing. Guess what? He blamed her. Now he has had a reputation for losing things in the house, especially his glasses. Reasoning does not work with him because he is stuck.

So, I am asking, what should I do? I am at the point where I just want to dump his butt off in a field somewhere and tell him to fend for himself. I know you are supposed to work things out be we are at a terrible stalemate. Should I stick in there or just forget it. We have been married for 5 years and together for a total of 10 years and this has been going on for at least 4 years. Many of you might say I am being abused, others would say I have the patience of Job! What do you think?

[MerryH]

Why might we say you're the one being abused? I'd say it's your daughter who is being (borderline) abused. I'm sure she hasn't been a perfect little angel, but kids rarely are. As an adult, you deal with that in a responsible way. He isn't doing that. He has to be the bigger person and not let a child get under his skin and make him behave like a jerk.

If he's refusing to change his ways, and it sounds like he is, then you shouldn't subject your daughter to this any longer. She probably feels uncomfortable living with him, and it's not right to keep her in that situation.

[sweetkissesforu]

Why might we say you're the one being abused? I'd say it's your daughter who is being (borderline) abused. I'm sure she hasn't been a perfect little angel, but kids rarely are. As an adult, you deal with that in a responsible way. He isn't doing that. He has to be the bigger person and not let a child get under his skin and make him behave like a jerk.

If he's refusing to change his ways, and it sounds like he is, then you shouldn't subject your daughter to this any longer. She probably feels uncomfortable living with him, and it's not right to keep her in that situation.

I agree with you totally and maybe her husband needs someone to make him feel superior my ex was like this to my daughters while he abused me

[stormtroopa]

might be hard, but i'd just confront him about it. let him know that you're unhappy with the situation and considering leaving if it doesn't change. I really think he needs a wake up call.

[doppelgaenger]

My step father treated my brother and me the same way. Every time something went wrong, he blamed us for it and we got punished severely. Even now, when we both live more than a thousand miles away, if something goes missing, no matter what it is, he accuses us of stealing it or misplacing it. How do I know? My mother calls me up to tell me about it all.

If I had full control over my mother's decision making, he would have never been a part of our lives.

[misombra]

what a freakin jerk. shame on you for allowing him to treat your child this way.

[Raze]

What an asshole! Ass to the hole!

[gwhite]

****UPDATE****
I just have to stop being so accommodating. I confronted him about this and told him that I was not going to tolerate his blaming any more. I told him to grow up and put a lid on it. To add insult to injury I haven't spoken to him since. He had the nerve to ask me what was wrong. I said I guess you forgot what I said. I reiterated it and I haven't heard another word so far. He is sulking around the house cause he can't say nothing.

[Sonrisa]

My step father treated my brother and me the same way. Every time something went wrong, he blamed us for it and we got punished severely. Even now, when we both live more than a thousand miles away, if something goes missing, no matter what it is, he accuses us of stealing it or misplacing it. How do I know? My mother calls me up to tell me about it all.

If I had full control over my mother's decision making, he would have never been a part of our lives.

my stepdad did the same thing with me. blamed for everything and beat me when he felt like it. mom never said a word in my defense either. it wasn't till i moved out that he actually understood how valuable i was to the family and how often he needed my help.

[sookie6]

I don't agree with single mothers having another man in the house (whether they re-marry or just get a new partner)...it could have too much of an impact on the kids.the best would be develop a relationshio with a single dad who keeps living in his own house too...


I consider myself very open-minded but this is one of the few subjects that grates on me...because when everything works fine it's all great but when it does not it becomes hell for the children and follow them through their adult lives...

[MerryH]

****UPDATE****
I just have to stop being so accommodating. I confronted him about this and told him that I was not going to tolerate his blaming any more. I told him to grow up and put a lid on it. To add insult to injury I haven't spoken to him since. He had the nerve to ask me what was wrong. I said I guess you forgot what I said. I reiterated it and I haven't heard another word so far. He is sulking around the house cause he can't say nothing.

Hey, good for you. You seem like you don't stand up to your husband very much, so confronting him was probably a big deal for you (just guessing.) Keep it up, don't let things that bother you go unmentioned.

I hope you took to heart what some people here shared about their own step-fathers. Pretty useful perspectives, right? (btw, What is up with the common theme of stepdads blaming the kids? Weird.)

[sookie6]

****UPDATE****
I just have to stop being so accommodating. I confronted him about this and told him that I was not going to tolerate his blaming any more. I told him to grow up and put a lid on it. To add insult to injury I haven't spoken to him since. He had the nerve to ask me what was wrong. I said I guess you forgot what I said. I reiterated it and I haven't heard another word so far. He is sulking around the house cause he can't say nothing.

well done!