Post Deployment break up recovery.

[Kilocake]

So, a little background is that I met my ex girlfriend a couple months before I had to deploy and we fell in love really fast, it was sort of nuts. Anyway she waited for me for a whole year and I only got to see her on leave and I called her every day. She waited for me and then when I got back, I thought I was cool but I think I was actually kind of like...ptsd. So anyway we got in like a million arguments until one night she said she didn't know if she loved me anymore. She gave me a bunch of retarded reasons (they were valid complaints but not break up worthy, especially considering the committment we had). So, instead of trying to deflate it I just got hurt and mad and I left.

Now it's been a month and a half, I've worked out my issues and I've thought about why I waited for her and how much I can't stand losing her. We have barely talked during this time which is both of our doing I guess, but recently I sent her a message and she responded which I was both pleased and disappointed in. Pleased that she listened and answered and didn't shoot me down right away (I said exactly how I felt, and I took blame for what is my fault, and I said we can and should work it out). I am disappointed however because she said she doesn't know when she can talk about it. I can understand if it means she needs to think, I mean she has to decide if she can love me again, but I can't take it if it's because she is seeing someone else and that's why.

I think she has or is doing a rebound thing, but she still has her facebook status as single so I don't know.

What I plan to do is ask her (via text) about when she said she couldn't answer if it was because she needed time and if she says yes, I'll suggest that that's why I want to talk to her to work things out. I don't want to force anything though, because it may be an unfavorable result but I can't remain this available for much longer, if she is absolutely a no then I have to move on. I want her though, so bad. I'd rather be dead then think about her banging around so I need to know what's up.

I don't know what my question really is. Am I smart to do this? Does this sound like I'm going about it right? Any pointers would be great, because I really want this to work out. We were talking about getting married before this all went down and I still want it. I'm just afraid that even if it goes back together our relationship will not be as good. Anything anyone can tell me would help so much, I hate to sound needy because I'm really not but I'm just so nervous about it these days.

[MerryH]

She said she doesn't know when she'll be able to talk about it. Respect that. I don't think you asking/pressuring her about it is going to help.

What I plan to do is ask her (via text) about when she said she couldn't answer if it was because she needed time and if she says yes, I'll suggest that that's why I want to talk to her to work things out.

So, if she says. "Yes, I need/ed time", you're going to say, "Alright, that's why I want to talk to you about it right now." That's not giving her time.

And you seem too hung up on the possibility of her dating other guys. Of course it's a possibility. You two broke up. She's completely free to date around and you should come to terms with this before you think about getting back with her. Since you brought that up a few times, I'm going to assume that it's a huge deal for you and if you resumed your relationship, you would eventually hold her healthy romantic life against her. Would you?

[Kilocake]

Good questions, those. I know what you mean on the first one, and I wouldn't do it. I have waited already, and I wouldn't want to apply pressure, because as I said I don't want to force a negative answer when I'm on the right track right now, but I can't wait forever, and I only want to talk about what the problems were, add some new angles to it and then I'd feel comfortable waiting, but as it stands I don't think she knows exactly how serious I am about it.

The other thing is indeed something I'm struggling with. I logically understand why she may have done whatever, and I am dedicated to not letting it bother me but it probably will to some extent. I will just have to accept it if I truly want her back, and I do.

I want to expand that part of why I want to push the ticket is that I have reason to believe it can get back to how it was, not just my own desires. The worst case scenario is she will say no and then I can (will be forced to) move on. I thought I was over it for a time but then I started thinking about it you know? I really miss how much she loved me and I just hate how stupid the circumstances are of the breakup.

[Kilocake]

If anyone else reads this, never mind I guess. She texted this morning saying she can't talk because she's at work (true, but that's not why really). She said she doesn't feel different and she doesn't think she will. I'm going to respect that, it just hurts because I don't feel like she considered what I said at all. I know she's just being stubborn, but I can't wait anymore. This sucks.

[DarkHelmet82]

yeah man.. i know.. it blows.

[RiderViper]

B) I can relate to you very much. I'm going through the same problem right now.

I still didn't get a reason why she suddenly decided to break up with me, but I have a huge list of possibilities.
In my case a week after the breakup, I got drunk at a party and later talked with someone who knows her too well, she got pissed off with me for that.
And after exchanging arguing messages she agreed to hear what I have to say even though she had nothing to say. Lucky for me I was hungover with a bad headache and my sister had advised me not to piss her off any further unless I want to make things worse, before I replied to her agreement.
So I said I was sick and would talk to her when I'm better and having a clear head.

I never called to talk to her about how I felt or anything. It's nice to have a sister to advise me.
Even for this wedding I went to, my sister reminded me. Although just showing up seems to have annoyed her, when it seems everyone expected I would not show up.

Thing is, if what everyone says is right, she won't think of me even 1% if I make any contact with her. It's true that I want her back, but I'm struggling to face a fact that I'm highly probably not going to get a chance with her ever again.
She said I was going to get hurt on the very night things went down hill. She asked me if I was serious about considering marrying her later that night. She said not to wait for her on the day we broke up.
And she knows I'll would wait for her and give her all the time she needed.

What I'm doing is, moving on with or without her. I'll leave my doors open to her should she change her mind. But only until a relationship with someone else starts.

If I'm giving advise, it's to think about it carefully. You don't want to make her angry at you for contacting her, that makes it harder to do anything.
But it's possible, neither one of us will ever get an answer from them.
I'll pray for you, that things will work out for the both of you.

[HeartIsAching]

If you've been deployed, and have PTSD (and that's totally probable), you have NOT worked out your issues in a month and half. I'm going to suggest that you go get counseling. The military will cover that one way or another. After you've signed up for your counseling, call/email/write to her and tell her you've started, and why. Tell her that it's important to you to try and fix what's wrong so you can be with her.

You never know, it might help.