I'm so confussed

[Catherine88]

My boyfriend of 3 years and I broke up about a month ago. We currently live together and both of us are planning on moving out of our place. We are on good terms and have decided to be friends. I have mixed feelings about the break up. I feel happy and not tied down but at the same time I'm upset because I won't be seeing him everyday and we he does mean a lot to me.

Here is my problem, I keep feeling like he maybe trying for us to get back together. He hasn't said anything about it. But we still sleep in the same bed and cuddle everynight...no sex or anything like that. We still hang out together, sometimes he tickles me or hugs me. We give eachother massages after a long day. Then today as he was leaving to go to work he huged me and gave me a kiss on the cheek. He hasn't kissed me at all since we broke up. I'm just feeling really confussed. I'm not really ready to ask him about it mostly because I don't know if he was just doing it as a friend or what.

I've never been through a break up like this before. I don't know if maybe I'm reading too much into all of this. Thoughts?

[DarkHelmet82]

My boyfriend of 3 years and I broke up about a month ago. We currently live together and both of us are planning on moving out of our place. We are on good terms and have decided to be friends. I have mixed feelings about the break up. I feel happy and not tied down but at the same time I'm upset because I won't be seeing him everyday and we he does mean a lot to me.

Here is my problem, I keep feeling like he maybe trying for us to get back together. He hasn't said anything about it. But we still sleep in the same bed and cuddle everynight...no sex or anything like that. We still hang out together, sometimes he tickles me or hugs me. We give eachother massages after a long day. Then today as he was leaving to go to work he huged me and gave me a kiss on the cheek. He hasn't kissed me at all since we broke up. I'm just feeling really confussed. I'm not really ready to ask him about it mostly because I don't know if he was just doing it as a friend or what.

I've never been through a break up like this before. I don't know if maybe I'm reading too much into all of this. Thoughts?

Um....yeah... thats not healthy... you give each other massages and cuddle, but aren't dating? wtf...

[Catherine88]

I admit it is weird, but we are really close. I feel like for us to move on we need to stop doing these things. But at the same time we have both been through so much together and we care for eachother. It's hard to explain.

[DarkHelmet82]

I admit it is weird, but we are really close. I feel like for us to move on we need to stop doing these things. But at the same time we have both been through so much together and we care for eachother. It's hard to explain.

Its unhealthy... plain and simple. ITs also extremely unfair

[Catherine88]

Thanks, I'm aware. Anyone else have a thought about this?

[Wakeup]

I agree with DH. I have to ask you if he's broken up with you why you would allow him to sleep with you and cuddle you? What was the reason for breaking up in the first place? It's hard to surmise on whether you should ask to reconcile when you've not really severed the relationship and it's not clear why you're sudo broken up and you're still sharing a bed?

Unhealthy for sure.

[DarkHelmet82]

I agree with DH. I have to ask you if he's broken up with you why you would allow him to sleep with you and cuddle you? What was the reason for breaking up in the first place? It's hard to surmise on whether you should ask to reconcile when you've not really severed the relationship and it's not clear why you're sudo broken up and you're still sharing a bed?

Unhealthy for sure.

is this the twilight zone? you agree with me.. holy crap!

[Catherine88]

There where a couple reason why we broke up. The main one was he was trying to work on cleaning up around the house more, but I didn't really see him trying to change also I would get mad when things weren't the way I wanted them. After we broke up I finally realised what he was doing, also how some of the stuff I was doing had affected him and myself. I told him that now that I finally understand and see what I had been doing I want to change it. I told him that if we are going to be friends then I want him to see that I have changed and that I don't want to make him feel bad etc. I've even put myself on a waiting list for a counseller in my town. I agree that we have not totally cut ties with eachother. There has been no realy closure. We have told our family and friends that we are no longer togther, we have both found new places to live and will be moving next month. But emotionaly we haven't really cut eachother off. Which is a problem. I think it is my own fault that I feel confussed about the whole thing. But at the same time he isn't doing anything to cut me out, he reaches for me in the middle of the night and calls/ texts me during the day. He says it is over but at times I think there is still something there.

[DarkHelmet82]

There where a couple reason why we broke up. The main one was he was trying to work on cleaning up around the house more, but I didn't really see him trying to change also I would get mad when things weren't the way I wanted them. After we broke up I finally realised what he was doing, also how some of the stuff I was doing had affected him and myself. I told him that now that I finally understand and see what I had been doing I want to change it. I told him that if we are going to be friends then I want him to see that I have changed and that I don't want to make him feel bad etc. I've even put myself on a waiting list for a counseller in my town. I agree that we have not totally cut ties with eachother. There has been no realy closure. We have told our family and friends that we are no longer togther, we have both found new places to live and will be moving next month. But emotionaly we haven't really cut eachother off. Which is a problem. I think it is my own fault that I feel confussed about the whole thing. But at the same time he isn't doing anything to cut me out, he reaches for me in the middle of the night and calls/ texts me during the day. He says it is over but at times I think there is still something there.

Well do you want to be with him or not? If not STOP leading him on... also there is no such thing as closure

[Catherine88]

I do want to be with him. I don't feel like I'm leading him on since he broke up with me, also he is doing the same stuff I am. He kissed and hugged me this afternoon. I asked him maybe a week or so after we broke up if we could work on the relationship and he said no that he was done. I think he both really depend on eachother. We sleep in the same bed because we live in a one bedroom and neither of us really want to sleep on the couch in an apt that has no a/c. We get a long great, but there are times like this when I start to think maybe things aren't as over and done with as we/ he thinks.

[Catherine88]

I keep feeling like maybe we just need time away from eachother. Leading up the our breakup I felt like we where in a rut. It bothered me and made me angry. I think him and I didn't talk to eachother enough about what we needed and wanted.

[Wakeup]

But at the same time he isn't doing anything to cut me out, he reaches for me in the middle of the night and calls/ texts me during the day. He says it is over but at times I think there is still something there.

It could just be habit?

I'm going to make a suggestion to you that if you're smart, you'll remember if the time comes: Don't have sex with him when you move out unless and until he reconciles with you and makes you his exclusive girlfriend once again. If you have sex with him before that you've just told him that he can have you sexually while being SINGLE and available to pursue other woman.

Don't be his warm placeholder.

[sexyme1523]

It's totally unhealthty... Just don't do anything with him.

[Catherine88]

I think a lot of what we do is out of habit. But at the same time I can't help but feel like if it is really over and done with why would we still be doing all of this. I am not going to sleep with him, I think that is an awful idea and would make things worse. Maybe it is because we are still friendly with eachother but I keep getting mixed messages. Even this morning, I was telling him that I'm going to be taking some stuff over to my new apartment (I'm moving in with a friend in Sept, there old room mate has already moved out so they told me they didn't mind if I moved in slowly or stay the night if I needed to get away). I told him that I wasn't sure if I would be coming home tonight, I have a air mattress that I'm bring over there . I'll use it whenever I stay there until I move all my big stuff. He asked me before he left if I knew if I would be coming home or not, I told him that I still wasn't sure. He said that he likes it when "you're here". I replied that " I like being here, but you are going to have to get use to me not being around". Would he of said this if he didn't have some kind of feelings for me? I know perhaps it is because we see eachother everyday and that we have been together for the better part of 3 years.

I keep thinking about asking him if he would like to try and reconcile, even though we won't be living together anymore. Has anyone ever tried to reconcile with their partner before? Do you think it's a bad idea if I where to ask him?

[Wakeup]

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you asking him if he's had a change of heart about breaking up. He's giving you mixed signals and all you have to do to open up that dialogue is to say that after that convo and him saying that he liked it when you were there, that you were wondering if he's considered a reconciliation. Be prepared for the answer possibly not being what you obviously want to hear.

If you can't get along while living together than you might want to consider couples counceling so that you both learn communication skills and can learn to stop trying to control one another or the same shit will just crop up in a few months from reconcilation (should you BOTH decide that the relationship is worth another try).