A call for help and advice from a lost soul

[TideRider]

hello guys,

firstly let me say thank you for any attention and advice given to my situation, it is a bit difficult but i will try to explain.

I am male and english involved in a relationship with a german woman with two children (2 and 4) i am 30 and she 29. We met online through a love of music, she had fled her possessive ex-partner and moved country with her children and at the time of first speaking was living in a women's home and finding life difficult. We spoke for a year and a half and in that time realised that we had lots in common and thought a great deal of each other, but the pressures of only chatting began to tell and it was agreed that i was to visit her in her new apartment.

I spent a week with her, on the first night she told me that she loved me and had done for some time, it blew me away but i realised that i too had similar feelings for her. My time there was a it strained and slightly emotional, i felt anxiety at being in her family situation, her children do not speak english and me not german and i had not much experience of being around children so it was rather surreal and i began to feel a plethora of emotions relating to her life situation (the reality of her having children and my involvement in their lives, the difficulty of loving someone from another country, how her life is restricted by having young children and how we will not have the freedom to explore ourselves as a relationship without kids would allow ).

I returned home, we had agreed that neither of us was fully ourselves in the meeting and that we needed to do some thinking, but we talked of meeting again. We chatted online for a while and realising that we couldn't carry on a relationship at a distance forever so we agreed that i should visit again for the summer and since july i have been living with her. The problem comes with my being here long term, whilst i feel more comfortable around the children i am fighting this anxious battle in my mind, i realise too that i have always considered it important for a person playing a role in children's lives needs to be balanced and i do have problems with anxiety and paranoia and perhaps some element of depression. She tells me that i do not need to see myself as having to be a certain type of person and would do anything for me, i understand it is a huge thing to commit to a situation such as this, and even though she says that she is just happy for me to be there there is a part of me that cannot help but consider the future.

It maybe that i have to return home soon, finding work here without a grasp of the mother tongue has proved to be very difficult, i wonder if perhaps it would be a good idea anyway as it will allow me to sort myself out a bit more.

She is gentle, beautiful, intelligent and passionate and i am lucky to have someone who is all of these things love me, but her life situation is complicated and my mind is confused as to what to do.

If anyone can offer an opinion or advice i would be more greatly appreciative than i could express.

thanks

m

[ices]

First...congratulations to you for finding someone to care for.

Now not so nice? In some of what you wrote, I am hearing a few alarm bells.
To speak for 18 months on-line is a long time, but for her to declare her love for you on the first day of meeting you, sounds like it is too fast.
You say that she was in a woman's home after leaving her ex. It makes me wonder if you became a 'crutch' for her, a type of rebound.
Also, I am not too sure how German's feel, culturally, about having single mothers. Are you just there because of necessity in being accepted.
It sounds like you have feelings for this woman, but would like to spend time exploring these feelings, before making a huge commitment.
Could you perhaps go for a weekend away or something.
Although, if you are considering the woman as a partner, her children are part of her and therefore must be considered a part of the package.
They are still young enough to accept you easily, but for you it is a big commitment.
You have to ask yourself, are you afraid because of the children. It is a big responsibility.
No-one can make the choice for you, or tell you what the right thing to do is, for you. You must do that.
Maybe the break you are about to have will provide you with some answers.
What are you missing? The woman? The children? Both?
Or is it just the security of having a relationship.

[TideRider]

Hello ices,

thanks for your response i will attempt to answer your questions.

Part of me does think it was too easy to mention love too early, we had shared a great deal but to lay your feelings so definitely but i too realised i had strong feelings but how strong i couldn't truly say

This issue of me being a crutch did cross my mind too, having been here i have begun to see that she is a strong person who is independent, she has never been short of make attention and i know of numerous people who have tried to win her attention since we have been in contact.

She is actually German and was living in another country for her partner so it was a case of her coming back to Germany. Germany has its single mothers as anywhere from what she tells me they are treated pretty well, we have spoken about the father responsibility recently and she has said that she is just happy for me to be there and it is enough that the children are comfortable with me being there, that there are no expectations. This issue of having no expectations is fine for the short term but for the long term i feel certain things have to be expected and that's why i am feeling as confused as i am.

I am torn about how to feel, i do love her and i know for sure that if she did not have kids then i wouldn't even entertain the idea of leaving or have indecision about our situation but she does and as you say comes as a package.

Her father lives in England, after the first short visit to her and after i had returned to england she mentioned taking a trip to see her father with her kids and being able to spend lots of time alone with me. She has started working full time recently but previously we had plenty of time to spend alone and in these times i realised that she means a great deal to me.

To commit to her kids is a massive thing, if i spoke german or they english i think it would be easier, perhaps i am afraid, afraid that its something i want and also something that i am balanced enough to be able to undertake. l do feel more comfortable around them though i cannot say that it is a natural thing or that it is something that i truly want and this is what causes me pain, because i realise that she is something that i truly want, a anxious battle is waging in my mind. (i hope that doesn't sound selfish)

The break could be a good thing, i think perhaps it would be a good idea to get my mind sorted before i can consider committing to anything.



*deep sigh*

[ices]

It is a really big thing to accept someone elses children into your life. Not a decision I envy. Although you have strong feelings for this woman, don't make that a reason to accept the children. Learn to love them as well, for themselves. You love their mother, they must have some of her in their genes....sounds trite, but it is true.
I do agree, get yourself sorted before you decide anything. You have to feel comfortable with yourself first.
I have never been in this situation, but I do have kids and I know that acceptance of a partner would hinge on that partner accepting my children (although they are a lot older) the premise remains.
Good luck..don't sigh, you will work it out!