Need advice on my situation with this guy... (extremely long read!)

[orange soda]

so, i've already posted this in a couple of places around the internet as i'm looking to hear as many opinions as possible on a situation that i've found myself in with a guy that i know. i've not used these forums before, but just thought i'd give them a try and make a post here.

i met this guy (let's call him dave) back at the beginning of september last year at a social event. we hit it off immediately on our first meeting and, after around 2 hours of deep conversation, found that the two of us had quite a lot in common. 'dave' was keen to stay in touch with me and said that he really wanted to see me again. he told me he thought i was a "very cool, smart and unique individual, different to other women he'd met before" and that i was someone who "spoke his language". we exchanged emails and skype details and continued with conversation later that night, after the event was over, until 5am the next morning.

'dave' and i spoke via skype almost every day following our first meeting, and after exactly ten days, he asked for my phone number. the skype chats continued, along with text conversations every day and phonecalls that often lasted at least an hour, once or twice a week. he always made me laugh (he has quite a dry/sarcastic sense of humour, which i love), said that he enjoyed my company and found his conversations with me "thrilling, intruiging, and intellectual". we grew closer as the time went on - our conversations also became more flirtatious, and heavy with sexual tension - and towards the end of october (after six weeks or so of us getting to know each other pretty well) i realised that i was falling for him.

since meeting him, there have been many times when i have been left wondering whether or not he likes me as more than a friend, simply judging by his words and the way that he behaves when we're in each other's company. a few occasions in particular have stood out in my mind:


1) i had planned a trip away to america during halloween week last year, which obviously meant that we wouldn't be able to communicate for a few days. when i returned home, 'dave' told me that he'd had "a crappy time" without me whilst i was away, but now that i was back again he had "perked up majorly". he came by my house the day after i arrived back from my trip (he said that he was "eager to spend time with me") and we spent the entire time - from early morning until evening - in my bed, watching tv, talking, and with 'dave' snuggling me. we'd never actually had any close physical contact like that previously, but i didn't feel uncomfortable with him doing it; for some reason it just felt right, so i let him carry on.

2) a week after returning from my trip, i went on an impromptu night out with some girlfriends and got ridiculously drunk. i took the following day off work so that i could spend some time recovering at home. 'dave' knew that i'd been out, and he texted me that morning asking how i was. as you can probably imagine, i was seriously hungover and feeling like absolute crap. i texted 'dave' back, "i feel dead right now," with his response being "i can't have that. sounds like you need some tlc".

i also mentioned having a craving for coffee and chocolate. the next thing i knew, 'dave' was turning up at my house, bringing a load of coffee and chocolate for me along with him (he also offered to give me a massage to "get rid of all the pain for me", which i couldn't say no to). he then stayed with me until later in the afternoon, when i started to feel better, before going home again.

3) just before christmas, i was struck down with a bad bout of flu, and found it a struggle to eat or sleep properly for a few days as a result. i was telling 'dave' about this, and he decided to call each night before i went to bed to check up on how i was feeling, as he was "really concerned" about me. i said to him, "you're so sweet. i'm really sorry for concerning you," and he responded "that's because i care about you".

4) one afternoon a few weeks ago, i was in conversation with 'dave' on skype. i mentioned having accidentally broken my glasses the night before. i had no contacts, and unfortunately had to wait a short while before i was able to go out and buy myself a new pair. he said, "you poor thing. if i could be there with you right now, i'd make you lots of coffee (i'm a total coffee addict, and he knows it, haha) and dote on you. i'd take you to the optician myself and make sure that you get sorted as quickly as possible".


he's commented a few times on how much of a great sense of humour i have, and according to him i'll make a great wife someday, as i'm "very cute, and have the best personality of any girl he's known". he seems to enjoy cuddling with me and we've kissed, though nothing more physical has happened between us other than that; we have spoken about wanting to sleep together before, but haven't acted upon it.

he's often told me that i'm "a wonderful human being who deserves to be happy." he always seems deeply concerned whenever i'm upset or stressed about anything, and makes a great effort to try and make me feel better, either through words or actions.

'dave' ticks all of the boxes in terms of what i look for in a man. we are almost identical personality-wise, share the same interests, and have had similar life experiences. conversation never tires between us and we get on like a house on fire. i've noticed sometimes that he blushes when he speaks to me, and he'll laugh at things that i say, even if they aren't really meant funny.

i've been too shy to actually come clean to 'dave' about how i feel, just because i'm afraid of rejection. i'm always wondering whether he feels anything for me romantically as i keep seeing signs that suggest he may be, but i'm reluctant to ask him about it in case i'm wrong. there is a 10 year age gap between us (he's in his early 30s, whilst i'm in my early 20s).

i've had very little experience with older men before now, and to be honest, i'm very confused. apparently i shouldn't even be questioning any of this, i've got to admit, i am absolutely hopeless when it comes to being able to tell whether or not someone is into me. i've only had one 'proper' boyfriend in my life thus far, and as far as i can remember, he never acted this way towards me at all before we started dating (or even during the time that we were dating, for that matter).

i'm not at all used to having a guy treat me in the way that 'dave' does - especially when they are only supposed to be a friend and not someone that i'm dating. i've observed the way that he behaves when around other women, and he is completely different with them.

one or two people that i've discussed this with have said things along the lines of "you ought to be careful, there's a chance that he may just be after you for sex." i'm aware that there may be a lot of guys who only use women for sex, though 'dave' seems to have a high amount of respect for me, and each time that he and i have spoken about wanting to sleep together he has said that he wants to make sure that i feel 100% comfortable; he's assured me that there is absolutely no pressure and we don't have to do anything if i don't want to, etc, etc.

i told him many moons ago that i didn't like the idea of rushing into sex with him as i feel that it would cheapen the experience; sex is kind of a big deal to me and i would want it to be special. i said, "i know that probably makes me seem like a bore," and his reply was "not at all. if anything, i think it makes you seem even more appealing than before."

as i mentioned in the original post, months have gone by now and though i'm still interested in sleeping with him, nothing physical has happened between us bar kissing and cuddling. i don't think that he views me only as someone that he wants to have sex with.

our difference in age doesn't particularly bother me, either. in fact, i wouldn't say that it bothers me in the slightest. i did worry initially about what others would think if he and i actually did start going out together, but my friends seem to like him and believe that he would be good for me.

i've also gushed about him to my mother on a couple of occasions, who doesn't seem to mind about our difference in age either. she dropped by my house to visit one day (i live alone) when 'dave' was already there, and they bumped into each other just as he was about to leave. after speaking to him for a short while, she said to me "he seems quite taken with you. i think you'd compliment each other well."

what i find very confusing about this entire situation is that he comes across as a very confident guy, and i'm thinking that perhaps things would have progressed a little more by now if he truly did like me as more than a friend, especially as we have both known each other for quite a while at this point and are very comfortable around each other.

he may just be as reluctant as i am to say how he really feels, though. i've been trying for a while to work up the courage to tell him first, but i'm honestly finding it very hard.

i wanted to know what other people's thoughts were on this: is he interested in me, or am i getting the completely wrong end of the stick here? would it be worth continuing to pursue him (especially as it has been several months now since all of this first began)? shall i just let him know how i feel, and if so, how should i go about it?

any words of advice would be highly appreciated, and i apologise for the ridiculously long post. cheers in advance.

[haxan]

LOL, well he's obviously not after you for just the sex, he would've already got it.

He either is really into you, and you both are somewhat awkward at moving things forward, or he's gay. No, I'm not trying to be funny.

I would NEVER, EVER, NEVER in a million years waste that much time and energy on a girl if I wasn't totally smitten.

[orange soda]

LOL, well he's obviously not after you for just the sex, he would've already got it.

He either is really into you, and you both are somewhat awkward at moving things forward, or he's gay. No, I'm not trying to be funny.

I would NEVER, EVER, NEVER in a million years waste that much time and energy on a girl if I wasn't totally smitten.

heh, well, i know for sure that he isn't gay. he's only had two serious relationships in his life, though. apparently he and his last girlfriend were together for a little over a year and a half, and they split up a few months before he met me.

[smackie9]

He may seem confident in general, but not with women. Real "nice" guys use doting, gifts and complements instead of sexual contact to show they like you. He is so afraid of rejection he uses other means (easier means) to show affection. Haxan is right, guys do not go to all this trouble for nothing. Your Dave friend there is totally in love with you, and with all he is doing for you is to show you how great of a BF he would be to you. You want things to change? You have to step up and say something. Write him a nice love letter (email) and express your feelings to him, or if you are brave enough, give him a passionate kiss the next time you see him......I think he deserves it, don't you? Go get'm girl!

[smackie9]

Please keep us updated!

[orange soda]

oh dear, i've just read through my first post again and realised how much of a terrible job i've done of editing it correctly - i've copied and pasted chunks from other threads that i've made on the same topic on other forums, just because i was in a complete rush and couldn't be bothered to type it all properly out for a second/third time, and not a lot of my sentences make much sense. sorry about this, everyone.

He may seem confident in general, but not with women. Real "nice" guys use doting, gifts and complements instead of sexual contact to show they like you. He is so afraid of rejection he uses other means (easier means) to show affection. Haxan is right, guys do not go to all this trouble for nothing. Your Dave friend there is totally in love with you, and with all he is doing for you is to show you how great of a BF he would be to you. You want things to change? You have to step up and say something. Write him a nice love letter (email) and express your feelings to him, or if you are brave enough, give him a passionate kiss the next time you see him......I think he deserves it, don't you? Go get'm girl!

thank you for your response. i think you are right, and that it may have to be up to me to say something if he doesn't, either by email or face-to-face. like i said, i've been trying to work up enough confidence to tell him how i feel for some time now, and i've been unsure as to how to actually go about it. as haxan suggested, we both seem to be a little awkward with trying to move things forward. i'll certainly try to keep you updated on the situation and let you know if things improve.

[smackie9]

Let me know if things improve? Nothing won't happen unless you take action. Talk+no action=0 Yes it is up to you, it's long enough now get to it......it will be the best thing you have ever done for yourself.

[IndiReloaded]

My take - he likes you but is unsure about the age gap.

My advice is you need to be more mature about this. Close the gap. Get over your fear of rejection and have a talk about your feelings and how you see his behaviour. Be kind about it. Tell him it means a lot to you. I suspect he is waiting for more of a go-ahead from you. Good luck.

Failing that, he might be one of those 'nice guys' that can't be bothered to chase an interest too far. I.e. they will be nice enough so they can backpedal and claim 'I was just being friendly!' but is waiting for *you* to pursue him b/c he likes the attention. If there wasn't the age gap, this would have been my first guess, but I give you the possibility if he claims ignorance when you bring the topic up.

[haxan]

Ya, something is off, somewhere.

Nine months into knowing each other, plenty of sexual tension and conversation. He seems to dote on you like a princess. I mean let's face it, you two should be wearing each other out sexually by now, even if he's a 'nice guy' and you want to 'wait to make it special'.

It's not the normal course for a relationship, even an exceptionally healthy one. Maybe he truly loves you, and like Indi said, he doesn't want to feel he's taking advantage of you because of the age gap. Or like Smackie said, he's a confident guy in life, but maybe not so much in a relationship.

Agree with Smackie, all talk and no action = nothing. It's time for someone to take the lead and make something happen besides chicken soup and new glasses :-P

[smackie9]

It's time for someone to take the lead and make something happen besides chicken soup and new glasses :-P

LOL! well put Haxan!

[orange soda]

My take - he likes you but is unsure about the age gap.

My advice is you need to be more mature about this. Close the gap. Get over your fear of rejection and have a talk about your feelings and how you see his behaviour. Be kind about it. Tell him it means a lot to you. I suspect he is waiting for more of a go-ahead from you. Good luck.

you're right. i think i just need to take the plunge now and be straight about my feelings for him. as for him possibly feeling unsure about the age gap, it has crossed my mind before that this might be the reason as to why he's still not made any major move yet. i have actually discussed this with a friend of mine who said they think that 'dave' can't see the age difference as an issue, otherwise he wouldn't bother acting in the way that he does towards me, which i suppose may also be true.

Agree with Smackie, all talk and no action = nothing. It's time for someone to take the lead and make something happen besides chicken soup and new glasses :-P

haha, absolutely. i couldn't agree more.

thank you all for your responses, i really appreciate them.

[jetta86s]

There are just some guys with such personality and you can't blame him. You just have to accept it and go on with it.

[orange soda]

a few more things that i somehow forgot to add in my first post:

1) he has a habit of remembering insignificant details and things that i might have mentioned in passing. for example, one evening not long after we first met, during conversation i briefly spoke about a heated exchange that i'd had with my boss's daughter earlier in the day. i told him how she is often quite rude towards me and my co-workers, and that basically because of this i don't like her very much at all. last week, he and i were chatting about work and he asked, "has your boss's daughter given you any more grief lately?" for a few seconds i was confused and wondered what he was talking about, but then i remembered what i'd mentioned to him that one time before. i said, "wow, how come you can still remember that? i'd completely forgotten about it until now." he just looked at me and shrugged. i've been told by people that i know - that i ought to take this as a sign that he is into me, which i guess is probably true.

2) recently we were discussing how we both prefer "old-fashioned" methods of communication, i.e. phonecalls and face-to-face conversations, as opposed to text messages, as they can often be quite time-consuming. after a short while he asked, "speaking of being old-fashioned, do you allow the man to pay for your dates?" perhaps i was reading a little too much into this, but it made me wonder whether he was just curious about this or if it might have been a hint that he would be interested in taking me out at some point.

3) when in my company, he seems to get an erection very easily. i called him up today whilst taking a break at work this morning, and he told me that he'd just gotten out of the shower at the time that i rang. i said jokingly, "pity i'm not there right now. maybe i could've helped you dry off," and he said, "oh god, i've already got a hard-on just thinking about it. jesus, you have an effect on me." i wasn't actually sure how to respond to that, so i just laughed and said "ah, you crack me up."

There are just some guys with such personality and you can't blame him. You just have to accept it and go on with it.

yes, definitely. this is just what i'm trying to do right now. cheers for your response.

[mik_from_europe]

I think that he loves you , that's all I have to say.

[orange soda]

I think that he loves you , that's all I have to say.

i've heard plenty of mixed views from people that i've talked to about this, but the majority seem to be of the same opinion as you. thanks for your response.