Should I confront him?

[Clare144]

I posted this on Love Advice but then wondered if it should have been here.

Hi, am hoping I can get some objective opinions about a problem I have with my husband. He's become involved in a peaceful protest group, don't want to say who but they stage demonstrations and protests nationwide which my husband attends. I don't have a problem with that in itself, I agree in principle with the cause he's protesting about but I do worry about his safety as there are always opposing sides at the demos and violence from the other side is commonplace. My husband has always maintained he stays well away from any trouble and I've never had cause to doubt him, until now. He's been chatting a lot by text with one of the other lads from the group and my husband has mentioned in the past this lad is a little more extreme than most and it started to ring alarm bells that they were chatting all the time. Maybe I shouldn't have but I was worried so I read some of the messages while my husband was asleep and they were discussing possible trouble at the next protest and how they were going to retaliate. I'm really gutted, so disappointed that he's let himself get dragged into something he knows isn't right for the sake of bravado, because that's all it is, showing off to his new mate and I doubt he'd even have the guts to follow it through if it came to it, not that I would want him to. So, do I confess that I looked at his phone and confront him about it? I feel on the back foot because I snooped, we've always had trust and I'm not sure who has broken it more, me or him. What would you do in my situation?

[Boisdevie]

He's a grown up and able to make his own decisions. You're not his mother. And stop snooping. It would annoy the shite out of me.

[Clare144]

No, I'm not his mother but we have kids who I would prefer not to see their dad black and blue from fighting or across a prison visiting table. Yes he can make his own decisions but what about the effect those decisions might have on his family?

[basilandthyme]

Clare, yes have a discussion with him if you feel it's necessary. But DO NOT CONFRONT him. Confrontations only lead to defensive behaviour and resentment. Far better to just talk with him about it. And make sure you listen to his side of the discussion - his views are important too.

[Ann S]

Do you think that if you share your concerns with your husband he will listen to you or blow you off? In my experience, people usually get blown off. And, I bet you have already discussed your concerns with him. So, once is enough to tell him what you think. He is going to have to learn by consequences if he decides to jump off the, "deep end," and join in something foolish. I think he broke the trust in your relationship first, because he is plotting with some guy about doing things he knows you wouldn't approve of. I'd work on asking him why he is being so secretive! A lot of what cements relationships is communication. I'd express my concerns that you suspect something might be going on, see what he says.
What would you gain by confessing? Ann