Do you think I'm naive?

[FlaCooln]

WOW!I really like your story

You both got along really well and you found her attractive.Do you honestly admit that you have never wanted more from her (even sex) or have never had a little bit of crush on her? If she asked you out at the time,would you say 'no'?

There were times when I wanted more and even had a little crush on her and I think she would say the same. It really started when she came to a Bday party at my house. She met my family, made herself at home, and even made the salad for the bday dinner (after she offered to help). Then, when it was time to eat she handed me a plate and just so gently moved her hand from my shoulder down to my hand. My whole family was telling me that she likes me, so it got me to think "what if." Just never acted on it, as I didn't want to ruin our friendship.

If she had asked me out, I would have said yes. But, i think we both enjoyed our friendship so much that niether of us had the balls to try for more.

[fearoflove]

Do guys secretly crushes on their female friends? It depends. Is she attractive? Does he do things for her? A guy can befriend a girl to use her too for a variety of reasons without really liking her (making him seem more popular with girls, she may own something he wants, etc). But if he is the giver in the friendship then he is likely to have a crush on her.

Also, you have mostly male friends? Own this! I have many guy friends too and its amazing. Guys are cooler companions anyways. It doesn't make a girl a slut unless of course she sleeps with all her male friends.

[edpjrr]

That was just an example-that is how easy it is. He could have a secret crush on you and read the signals wrong or he could have a hidden agenda.

Do you agree that "men and female can be friends without sexual tension but it is very rare. It just boils down to self-control and not over stepping your boundaries. If a guy is your BFF, he wants to be your man 95% of the time." ?

[edpjrr]

I meant what I typed: "Guys don't normally give their close male friends big birthday cakes and presents."

What I'm trying to say is that (straight) guys behave a certain way around their guy friends. They don't give their guy friends birthday cakes or presents. And the friendship generally happens during activities, like games or work or sports. If the friendship is innocent, then a guy should be acting the same way around a female friend. If he isn't, then that friendship might not be just a friendship. He might be hoping for it to turn romantic or maybe into a friends with benefits deal. Some other examples: straight guys don't give their guy friends backrubs, or hugs, or poetry. It just doesn't happen. If a guy does that kind of stuff for a female friend, then he's thinking about something other than friendship.

Ok,I got it now.Sorry for the misunderstanding

LOL Of course a guy doesn't give a birthday cake or presents to their close male friend cos this would seem very gay (nothing personal to gay people).Guys don't like birthday cakes,bracelets or any girly stuff like these but girls do.Some of my guy friends gave guys posters or other manly stuff for their birthday but they are not gay.It's just like...guys walk their female friends home to make sure they get home safe (to be gentlemanly) but guys don't walk their guy friends home.Guys hug their female friends when they see or say goodbye to each other but guys don't hug guys.Guys can make sexual jokes among themselves but it's not very normal for them to make sexual jokes to their female friends (as this would be considered as being disrespectful).Guys aren't supposed to treat women the way they treat men cos men and women are very different in many aspects such as the way they think,hobbies,behaviour...etc.. That's why I always think it doesn't necessarily mean a guy has a crush on his female friend when he treats her differently from his male friends.He could just be nice and gentlemanly. This can also explain why I thought it was very normal when my close guy friend gave me a massive tiramisu birthday cake and a bracelet on my birthday.I thought he was just being nice to me and very gentlemanly cos we were close friends and he valued our friendship.I gave him 2 CDs for his birthday but it doesn't mean I had/have a crush on him.I did this cos I valued our friendship.Do you agree with what I said above?Please feel free to say no if you don't agree.I'm totally up for any different opinions and explanation

" straight guys don't give their guy friends backrubs, or hugs, or poetry. It just doesn't happen."<---Of course! cos guys don't like these but girls do Guys and girls want different things.

Btw,I have been told this several times throughout my life that a girl can never truly have a guy friend without any sexual tension unless the girl has known the guy since childhood or the girl is just ugly/unattractive, because guys will always have a natural attraction to their female friends, and all it takes is for girls to snap their fingers and turn it into more. It's true for most guys who are teens and 20 somethings. When guys get older it's not uncommon to be friends with couples and such, very platonic friendships with women and so on.It's in their biology as males. Reproduce and spread their seed to as many females as possible. It's the way of men. Of course there are some girls that really are like one of the guys,but they are girls so there is still some level of attraction if you have even a little self-control you can keep it in your pants.Do you agree with this?

[edpjrr]

There were times when I wanted more and even had a little crush on her and I think she would say the same. It really started when she came to a Bday party at my house. She met my family, made herself at home, and even made the salad for the bday dinner (after she offered to help). Then, when it was time to eat she handed me a plate and just so gently moved her hand from my shoulder down to my hand. My whole family was telling me that she likes me, so it got me to think "what if." Just never acted on it, as I didn't want to ruin our friendship.

If she had asked me out, I would have said yes. But, i think we both enjoyed our friendship so much that niether of us had the balls to try for more.

haha,that's what I was thinking of


"i think we both enjoyed our friendship so much that niether of us had the balls to try for more. "<--AND you were just too shy to tell her how you felt and you just didn't like her enough to take the initiative.

[edpjrr]

Do guys secretly crushes on their female friends? It depends. Is she attractive? Does he do things for her? A guy can befriend a girl to use her too for a variety of reasons without really liking her (making him seem more popular with girls, she may own something he wants, etc). But if he is the giver in the friendship then he is likely to have a crush on her.

Also, you have mostly male friends? Own this! I have many guy friends too and its amazing. Guys are cooler companions anyways. It doesn't make a girl a slut unless of course she sleeps with all her male friends.

"But if he is the giver in the friendship then he is likely to have a crush on her."<---How about if they both give and use each other at the same time?Friendship is all about giving and using (at the same time).

[searock]

Lesson learned for me: Dont have male friends as one or both of you will develop feelings at some point and if you cross the boundaries of friendship one or both of you will get hurt..

Just because it didn't work out for you doesn't mean it's a general rule. I was best friends with my current boyfriend for about 2 years before we started going out, and now we have an amazing relationship, because of our deep connection before we even started dating.

I also have a couple male friends and I am 100% not attracted to them, nor are they attracted to me. That's the one rule for male-female friendships: you can't be FRIENDS with someone if you're attracted to them. There are several guys whom I *could* be friends with, IF they weren't attracted to me, but they are, so I don't even try to be friends with them because it would only hurt them. Same thing goes for me: I don't try to make friends with guys I'm attracted to.

With my bf it was different: I wasn't attracted to him when I first met him (that's how we were able to become friends), I developed feelings for him only after I'd known him for a few months. Developing feelings for a friend of the sex you are attracted to can happen, but it definitely doesn't always happen.

Here are some things you can check to determine whether your friendship with a guy is actually friendship, or if it's something different:

1. You go on dinner dates with him.
2. You go to their house (or have them come over to your house) alone.
3. He sometimes pays stuff for you.
4. You often stay up late chatting/texting with him at night.
5. You hug, cuddle, kiss on the cheeks, etc... any form of physical contact.
6. He brings you random presents "just because", or he gives you huge presents when it's your birthday or whatever.
7. If either or both of you are taken, you feel uncomfortable meeting him with you bf (or his gf, or both).
8. You communicate every single day (even if only via texts, chat, etc).

These^ are all signs that you two aren't "just friends".

[edpjrr]

Just because it didn't work out for you doesn't mean it's a general rule. I was best friends with my current boyfriend for about 2 years before we started going out, and now we have an amazing relationship, because of our deep connection before we even started dating.

I also have a couple male friends and I am 100% not attracted to them, nor are they attracted to me. That's the one rule for male-female friendships: you can't be FRIENDS with someone if you're attracted to them. There are several guys whom I *could* be friends with, IF they weren't attracted to me, but they are, so I don't even try to be friends with them because it would only hurt them. Same thing goes for me: I don't try to make friends with guys I'm attracted to.

With my bf it was different: I wasn't attracted to him when I first met him (that's how we were able to become friends), I developed feelings for him only after I'd known him for a few months. Developing feelings for a friend of the sex you are attracted to can happen, but it definitely doesn't always happen.

Here are some things you can check to determine whether your friendship with a guy is actually friendship, or if it's something different:

1. You go on dinner dates with him.
2. You go to their house (or have them come over to your house) alone.
3. He sometimes pays stuff for you.
4. You often stay up late chatting/texting with him at night.
5. You hug, cuddle, kiss on the cheeks, etc... any form of physical contact.
6. He brings you random presents "just because", or he gives you huge presents when it's your birthday or whatever.
7. If either or both of you are taken, you feel uncomfortable meeting him with you bf (or his gf, or both).
8. You communicate every single day (even if only via texts, chat, etc).

These^ are all signs that you two aren't "just friends".

WOW!I really like your checklist
Based on your checklist,me and some of my guy friends only did some of these but not all of these.Does it mean we both aren't "just friends"?

[searock]

WOW!I really like your checklist
Based on your checklist,me and some of my guy friends only did some of these but not all of these.Does it mean we both aren't "just friends"?

It depends: what exactly did you do and how often? I think the answer is "yes", but there can be rare exceptions.

[fearoflove]

"But if he is the giver in the friendship then he is likely to have a crush on her."<---How about if they both give and use each other at the same time?Friendship is all about giving and using (at the same time).

You answered your own question. If its pretty much equal, its just friendship.

[edpjrr]

It depends: what exactly did you do and how often? I think the answer is "yes", but there can be rare exceptions.

A guy broke up with his gf recently.He was very depressed and lonely after the break-up.He started talking to me on facebook chat every day for long hours (7-8 hours)...yes,EVERY DAY! He even told me facebook chat reminds him of me and he always waits for me to go online (fb chat) every day.This has already been lasting for 2 months.He told me I'm cute,pretty,interesting,attractive,funny and nice.I met him through his ex-gf. Now this guy and I become much closer because we talk to each other for long hours every day..but we never give each other any presents.

[searock]

A guy broke up with his gf recently.He was very depressed and lonely after the break-up.He started talking to me on facebook chat every day for long hours (7-8 hours)...yes,EVERY DAY! He even told me facebook chat reminds him of me and he always waits for me to go online (fb chat) every day.This has already been lasting for 2 months.He told me I'm cute,pretty,interesting,attractive,funny and nice.I met him through his ex-gf. Now this guy and I become much closer because we talk to each other for long hours every day..but we never give each other any presents.

He is CLEARLY interested in you, how can you possibly not see it? No guy talks with a girl for 7+ hours every day just because he wants to be friends. He is sad about his breakup and is using you (not necessarily with bad intentions) as an emotional rebound, and surely hopes one day there will be something physical between you two.

[Wakeup]

With my bf it was different: I wasn't attracted to him when I first met him (that's how we were able to become friends), I developed feelings for him only after I'd known him for a few months. Developing feelings for a friend of the sex you are attracted to can happen, but it definitely doesn't always happen.

It usually happens with everyone of the gazillion threads we have on the subject around here.

Sea: You developed an attraction to your friend and he you when he was already in a relationship ... why didn't you bow out then? After your platonic feelings changed? I'm not wanting to offend you, but this is what happened and this is why I don't believe in hanging out and doing date like things with your opposite sex friend.

[searock]

It usually happens with everyone of the gazillion threads we have on the subject around here.

That's because when it doesn't happen, people don't feel the need to post on a love advice forum :-). I for one have several male friends whom I've been friends with for years, and with whom there's absolutely no attraction either way. I still make sure to respect my relationship boundaries though: I've gathered enough first-hand experience to know that things can always change when it comes to male-female friendship and physical attraction.

Sea: You developed an attraction to your friend and he you when he was already in a relationship ... why didn't you bow out then? After your platonic feelings changed?

We were work partners at the time, we hung out with the same group of friends and there was simply no way I could avoid seeing him pretty much every single day. Plus, his was an LDR and they only saw each other about 15 days a year, and he kept telling me how unhappy he was and communicating to me that he was interested in me. I was naive and honestly way too in love with him to have the strength and lucidity to "bow out". I certainly have learned a lot from that experience, also re: male-female friendship vs. relationship boundaries.

[Wakeup]

That's because when it doesn't happen, people don't feel the need to post on a love advice forum :-).

The point is, it happens and it happens very often.

I certainly have learned a lot from that experience, also re: male-female friendship vs. relationship boundaries.

Well, that's a bonus to this forum. Now you can warn/educate others about abt boundary crosses and any disrespectful fratinizing when one's friend is in a romantic relationship with another.