Not happy, but don't know what to do.....child involved.

[Ravenheart]

Hi all,

Just after some views/opinions.

Myself and my partner have been together for a few years and we recently had a little boy who is now nearly four months old. The problem is since his birth our relationship has been very rocky. Not because of him though, as he is the best thing to happen to us both and regardless of OUR problems, we both love him and wouldn't change that for the world. We just don't get on anymore. My partner was diagnosed with PND, and as such has medication etc, but when we argue, intially i would think to myself 'its the PND, ignore it, its not her'. But i'm finding it very difficult to contribute every outburst to that logic.

When we argue she becomes very nasty and spiteful. For example, last night our boy woke up needing a feed. She asked me to warm a bottle up which i did dutifully, when i warmed the bottle and took it to her she was changing our boy, so waited in case she needed a hand with anything. She had a go at me for being there not doing anything, to which i replied that i wasn't just going to abandon her to go watch tv or whatever in case she needed a hand, but she felt me being there was 'patronising'. I told her that i thought she wasn't being very nice and then she just completey lost it with me, and started making nasty comments and insults such as 'you're ugly, you have a small **** and i wish our boy wasn't yours' etc.

The comments re looks don't bother me, i'm quite confident in myself so it doesn't affect me in that way, but the fact that she felt the need to say them, and especially the comment about wishing our boy wasn't mine quites deep. I feel like i want to leave her, and if it was just me and her, then i would. But the thought of our child having parents that are seperated breaks my heart, Or not being with my son all the time or her being with another guy pretending to be his dad just destroys me. So i feel like i can't leave her, i don't want to be 'that' person, i don't give up or quit easily but at the same time you have to be honest with yourself and realistic. I just don't know what to do for the best. I have to say that regardless of our issues, she is a wonderful mother to our boy.

What are your thoughts?

[michelle23]

she did just have a baby and her hormones may not have settled properly. She is probably stressed, tired, worried about the future, worried about all the changes, scared she will be a bad mum. There could be 100 different things on her mind and she has been diagnosed with PND.

I think she needs you now more than ever and I dont think she means any of the nasty things she has said. PND is severe. Maybe you should talk to a counselor or doctor. Ask for some advice or tips on how to handle this. Perhaps she needs some psychiatric care to help her get through this.

Try to think positive. It wont always be this difficult. You will get back the woman you love. She is ill right now and needs help and support. Im sure she loves you.

[michelle23]

I found a site for you that you may find helpful. http://www.postpartumprogress.com/how-postpartum-depression-affects-your-marriage-or-partnership

You should do more research and see what help and support is in your area for you and your partner. I dont think you should give up. Having a baby changes everything but in time-it can only get better

[violingirl]

I had a baby about 6 months ago and I can honestly say that I've been moody and cranky and sensitive. It's one of those things that I know is happening, but I don't seem to have much control over it. I'm guessing that it's from all the hormones in my body readjusting, etc. Combine that with a full time job, sleepless nights, housework, cooking meals, and taking care of the baby...you end up with a very tired momma. I really think that you need to just hang in there and offer as much help as you can to your girl. Ignore the crazy mood swings for a little while and try to see things a little from her side.

As a side note...I know you say you help out with the baby. My husband thinks he helps too. BUT it feels like I'm running around the house constantly doing things and he's watching TV. It would be nice if he offered to fold some laundry or make the bed or wash dishes. Perhaps it would be a nice gesture if you asked your girl 'how can I help you?' and then follow thru by actually doing what she says.

[vashti]

I agree with everything already said, and I'd like to add that it is so much better when a man anticipates what needs to be done, and DOES it without being prompted. For example, there really isn't any reason why you both can't participate in the feedings overnight since he is taking bottles. You might just tell her to roll over and go back to sleep while you feed and change the baby. She is probably exhausted and stressed out, and I realize you are to, but at least you aren't having to deal with crazy hormone imbalances.

If things aren't better by the one year mark, I'd be worried.