Deciding whether to move on or stay with the guy I love

[KSL]

I was in a two year relationship with a guy who I love so much. We got along well and loved spending time together, but he'd have his times where he'd get jealous or suspect I was cheating, which I wasn't, but then about a year ago he got really jealous and started to accuse me of cheating with his co-workers and then he even said I was a prostitute and I had dating profiles online and claimed he saw them when I know they don't exist since I've never made anything like that. It would get so bad that everyday he'd go to work and we'd be fine, then he'd come home and all evening he'd accuse me of things and basically call me a whore. Then he started to think people were trying to kill him, and that I was trying to set him up and trying to poison him and wouldn't sleep and carried knives with him constantly. He kept saying he needed to leave town and to get away from me because I was the poison. We'd sit in his car and I'd be crying and he'd just call me poison. It was heartbreaking. He was using meth and smoking weed at the time, and had a long history using, but in the time we were together he never really acted weird. Then one day he thought he won the lottery and said someone tried to steal his ticket. Finally it got to the point where his mom showed up and he was just acting so strange and she was concerned for my safety, and suggested that I don't be around him. I listened and kept my distance from him for about a month, during which he showed up at my house daily and wouldn't leave for about two weeks, I even had to call the cops once. He tore his car apart claiming there was a bomb in it and then after that he was on foot, but still would show up to my house. He got arrested for a reason I still don't fully know, and then he was staying with his mom and finally he agreed to get help. He had to go on disability because he scared everyone at work and was going to a doctor and he seemed to be doing a lot better. During the entire time this was all happening, I didn't see him, but I talked to him daily and made it clear I loved him and wanted to be with him if he got help, so after about a month, we started to hang out again and things were alright. He was still working on things, but for the most part he was his normal self again.

Now it's a year later and he's really bad again. For the last five or so months he's been thinking that me and his family have all been replaced and that people are after him still because he had won the lottery last year, which he didn't. He claims people follow him everywhere trying to kill him but he's too smart for them, he thinks I'm setting him up at times. He acts like I go out and party whenever I'm not with him which I have never done, and he calls me any name he wants and blames everything on my bad temper, which I admit to having, but I can literally be sitting on the bed saying nothing and doing nothing and he'll say I'm a bitch with a bad attitude. About two months ago he was being such a jerk for no reason and I was upset and honestly wasn't doing or saying anything and he was so mad at me and finally told me to leave, so I called for a ride and he told me to take all my stuff I had at his house and leave, we were over. So I did, then two days later he calls and says he loves me and wants me to come over and that he's sorry. I agreed to come over the next day and we talked, but he kept switching up his moods and took forever to answer my questions and was really unsure if he even wanted to fix things. Finally we agreed to work on it and I put my all into working things out. I stopped spending the night at his place because I felt like we needed space, but we'd see each other everyday and I'd come over with the best attitude and intentions and he'd put no effort in at all. He'd even complain sometimes that I was there. I'd get upset and cry because all I wanted was him to hug me and show me some kind of affection, and he acted like it was to hard to do. He basically said I was dramatic and just caused problems and that I just wanted to fight and I had to change and win him back, but he had to do nothing in return.

It got to a point where he called me up one day and said he didn't love me anymore and that we needed to break up, so later that night I went to see him and we talked and we agreed that we weren't happy and we had too many problems and they weren't getting better, so I left that night and considered us broken up. It was really hard to accept that we were over, but after a few days I managed to get past it and realized it was for the best and I was doing okay, then a week later he called and wanted to hang out, but I was adamant about it being as friends only, but my family talked me out of seeing him because they didn't think it was a good idea, so I didn't go. It's been three weeks since we broke up and he keeps calling me daily and now he's saying that he loves me and wants me back and that he never really wanted to break up he just was confused and frustrated and angry at everything and didn't know what to do and didn't want to drag me down with him, but I keep telling him we're over and it's the best thing for both of us. I even went out on a date with someone, but the second I got home I was sad and upset and just missed my ex. I realized how much I still care about him and love him and want to be with him and he keeps saying everything I want to hear ad have wanted to hear for the last year, that he realizes he was wrong and mean and hurt me and that he didn't appreciate me and feels bad for how he treated me. He says he want's me back and we're meant to be and how he wants to show me he's changed and how he'll earn me back. I haven't told him that I miss him and want to be with him because I feel like I'm better off without him and I doubt he could change that much in such a short amount of time, but it's so hard to ignore my feelings. I still love him and I feel like we have such a connection and we fit really well together when times are good. I just don't know what to do.

Sorry for such a long post, but I'm really struggling with this whole situation and I feel like my family is biased and I need some advice. I'm so in love with him and I can't imagine not being with him. I spent two years with him and honestly thought I'd marry him and have children with him one day and I still want all of that more then anything. I know he has problems, probably mental problems, and that since he refuses to acknowledge it or get help, he probably won't ever change. It's just hard because since we broke up he seems to have realized his mistakes, not all of them but most, and it's hard to keep myself from going back to him. He even said today that he now agrees that us breaking up was for the best because we both needed time to find ourselves again and figure things out, but that he still loves me and thinks about me daily and misses me and that one day he wants me back. So I guess why I'm posting on here is just because this relationship has really confused me and I don't know what to do anymore. I think it's best for us to be apart right now, but do you think there's a chance that things will work out in the future for us?

[basilandthyme]

KSL, your family is not biased. I think any reasonable person wouldn't want someone they care about to settle for a paranoid junkie. And make no mistake, this is what he is. Would you want your friend, sister or cousin to be in a relationship like this?

You're absolutely right that he can't change in such a short amount of time. Or to be more accurate, only time will tell if he can stay changed. You're 100% correct in thinking that due to him not acknowledging the problem, he won'tchange . What he's doing now is trying to manipulate you back into a relationship.

If you are ever to give him another chance (I recommend that you don't), it should not be until he can demonstrate a *year or two* of being clean. In short do not ever consider returning unless he can demonstrate long term sobriety, dumping all his drug using friends, a support network and a complete life turn-around including having a job.

Now that we've addressed if/when you should return, it's also important that we look at you. I'm so glad that you've moved on now, but why did you stay for so long? Caring about someone in need is one thing, but to shackle yourself with a paranoid druggie is just crazy. If you feel at risk of giving him another chance when he hasn't met the above criteria, please undertake personal counselling first.

[Valixy]

You are right, he is very ill. Look up information about schizophrenia. Sadly there's not much you can do about someone suffering it but let his family encourage him and convince him to get the right medical help and treatment. This will not be easy, you've seen him already being reluctant to admitting he's ill or accepting and following treatment, but his family have his legal responsibility and are more likely to succeed when making this kind of pressure on him.

You should realise that he is not just a difficult unstable partner who breaks your heart, he is ill and your life and other people's lives can be in danger when being in contact with him. This is especially true if he's not taking proper medication and consuming drugs.

Being this such a serious illness, I doubt he could improve enough to have a healthy relationship with you or any other woman but if you feel that you need a specialised opinion on this, it is highly recommended that you speak with a psychiatrist.

As painful as this is for you and him, you cannot help him unfortunately. You should pray for him and move on, your safety, well-being and happiness come first.

[elevator]

You say 'probably mental problems'. What is 'probably' about it? - he clearly does. By your description, he either has drug-induced psychosis or schizophrenia. Do you actually want to be with someone who uses meth? Or any drugs for that matter? While he's using, he's dangerous. Evaluate what your safety means to you.

If he's not even at the point of acknowledging he has a problem, then you have a very long road ahead of you. a) he needs to admit he has a problem. b) he needs to seek help from a psychiatrist for his problem (this may involve drug rehab). c) he then has to stay clean for a certain period of time and remain on whatever treatment plan necessary (this could involve medication, counselling etc on a long-term basis). d) he will have to prove that he is reformed - this means no more calling you a whore or making you feel threatened and no more drugs, obviously. Only then should you consider getting back together.

[KSL]

Thanks for all your advice. You all make perfect sense and I know you're right, but it's just hard to think straight when my heart is involved. I guess I just want him to change so badly and I'm just looking for any bit of improvement and not realizing that he has such a long way to go before he can ever be in a healthy relationship. As far as his drug use goes, I don't think he's using meth anymore, but he might be, and he does still smoke pot which I hate. I just care about him so much and even if we aren't in a relationship I just worry about him and hope that he can turn his life around for himself. The whole thing just makes me so sad. And I guess I stayed for so long because I would see improvements and we'd be doing really good and the bad times didn't outweigh the good. I was in denial and truly thought we'd make it through everything. I feel proud to have been able to finally walk away and stay strong for this long, but it still sucks. You guys made me feel much better about my decision. Thanks so much.