I am so conflicted. Love of my life or new flame? Please help...

[itscomplic8ted]

I am hoping to get some perspectives on a difficult situation I have found myself in. Please be gentle, I am so confused and don't want to hurt anyone. I was dating a man for about 3 years (#1 hereon in). I would go out on a limb to say he's the love of my life. When I met him things were great and about a year into the relationship it became obvious he had a drinking problem. He didn't drink all the time but definitely struggled. He drank on and off the rest of the relationship and attended a well known rehab for about 4 1/2 months during our relationship, too. He struggled horribly while this was going on, he wasn't out there having a good time but someone battling against a serious disease that had a strong grip on him. Probably saying a "choke hold" would be appropriate. He would cry and withdraw regularly because he felt so terrible about hurting his loved ones, and then he would drink more to drown his sorrows from the hurt and pain he inflicted on himself and others, and herein was the vicious cycle.

I finally reached my limit and was not willing to invest more time or energy into our relationship and after a long time of "on and offs" I ended it. It was very difficult because I loved him and was afraid he might die but I had to put myself first. It absolutely broke my heart because not only did we love each other but we truly were best friends. We had a bond that I can't even begin to describe in words, despite his addiction. We "got" each other and aside from his addiction, there wasn't anything we wouldn't do for each other. He is one of the most loving and gentle people I have ever known. He wears his heart on his sleeve and would take the shirt off his back for anyone. He would go without so others didn't have to whether they were perfect strangers or not. He is an amazing human being but went without much traction in life for a long time due to his addiction. By the way, he's 5 years older than I am.

A little while after breaking it off with #1 and while I was still grieving I unintentionally met a great man that I will call #2. We became friends and then started dating. I wasn't looking for a relationship but I guess it found me. He is wonderful in so many ways and all around a great guy. We have been seeing each other for 3 months and I really like him. I am not in love with him at this point but I think the potential is there. Although he has not used the "L Word" I would venture to say (based on other things he has said) that he's pretty much there. He is so caring and attentive. He lost his wife of many years suddenly and tragically about one year ago. He treats me beautifully and we get along well and I really like him. I don't know that I would ever form a bond with him as strong as I had with #1, I think it may be too early to tell but I would venture to say I may never share the bond I had with #1 with anyone again. Truly, I believe what I had with #1 could be a once in a lifetime thing. That is where I get stuck.

To further complicate things #1 has become sober and I have never stopped loving him. When I was out of contact with him he wasn't constantly on my mind but I could never get him totally off my mind, either. Apparently he got sober two days after I ended it with him, had a few brief relapses since but now has been sober for many months. He has done everything that was suggested to him while we were together. He currently sees a therapist regularly, sees a psychiatrist, is on Antabuse (a drug that interacts violently if used in conjunction with alcohol for the purpose of not drinking), and he attends AA meetings at least daily. He has changed his whole lifestyle to adopt a sober life which, apparently, he has never done to this extent before. He has spent upwards of $60,000 on rehabilitation (he is not a person of great means so that's major) and he seems FULLY committed to staying sober.

We have had some communication recently. This was probably not the best of ideas but I was genuinely wanting to know how he was doing. Well, that opened Pandora's Box. We still love each other and probably always will. There are days that I can't imagine my life without him (unless he was drinking, of course). He has cried his eyes out, said he would do anything to have a chance to be with the "love of his life" (me) and right all of his wrongs. He has apologized profusely for the hurt he has caused me and swears he has "seen the light", taken God into his life and will never drink again. I know he believes this when he's saying it but I also have to make well thought out decisions for myself.

This situation is pulling at my heart strings horribly. I have cried my eyes out for the past two weeks to the point that they're red, puffy and bloodshot. I'm typically a strong person but this situation has just taken the wind out of my sails. I don't know what to do. I can't stop thinking about #1 but he's a huge risk. On the other hand #2 is an absolutely amazing guy but whether there's a strong connection and/or love between us remains to be seen. Furthermore, having contact with #1 has clouded my thinking profusely. I sort of feel numb right now. There is no question that #2 is the more stable individual and he's incredibly good to me and I care about him a lot. But I keep going back to the connection I know I have with #1. I would never feel right being with anyone if there was someone else I couldn't stop thinking about.

There is the possibility that in the end neither of these guys is right for me but in the meantime, I love one guy (#1) and was close to falling for #2 until #1 came back into the picture. I don't want to hurt either one and I don't want to be hurt, either. But it's probably too late for that. I'm a fiercely loyal person so I would never do anything I deemed inappropriate. When I conversed with #1 it was totally innocent and I just wanted to know he was okay.

I told #1 that we should take a break and have no contact because I needed time to clear my head and, for my sake, to give 100% to #2. He's totally on board with that and respectful of the situation although he's torn that I'm seeing someone other than him. On the flip side, he understands and blames himself and does want what's best for me....and he thinks HE is best for me but has been very understanding of the situation.

I never thought I'd find myself in this situation. I followed my heart and was not looking to get into another relationship but it just happened.

If you have any advice I'd love to hear it and know what you would do. Please be nice, I'm so broken up about this and I don't know what to do. There's part of me that can't imagine life without #1 if he's on the straight and narrow. There's part of me that wants to see where things go with #2 because he's a great guy but I worry that we may never share the same spark I had with #1. I also recognize I haven't had enough time with #2 to know for sure exactly what we would share. Lastly, I want to try to be as fair as possible to everyone involved. I care about both of these guys that I don't want anyone to be hurt, but that could be inevitable at this point.

I'm a mess, I feel terrible and certainly never did anything intentionally to hurt anyone. Any thoughts? Thanks for reading this long winded narrative about the mess I've found myself in. Have a great weekend, everyone!

[tubber]

Hi itscompli8ted. This is indeed a very difficult situation. A number of points in your post suggest to me that #1 is the one for you. Firstly you describe him as the love off your life. Secondly you describe the spark that you have with him and the bond that you have. These are things to be treasured. You cannot go on what may be with the new guy. I understand that it will most likely hurt him if you break it up with him, but you could end up hurting him even more if you leave it to develop, whilst #1 is still there in your thoughts all the time. I would also say that from your description I get the impression that you have a good heart and trust that whatever you do, you will do so with the best intentions.

[TLe]

Yeah, according to your words, I believe #1 is still the one for you. Even though #2 is that great, but you dont know him as much after a few months dating. And, Tubber is right, you could end up hurting #2 even more if you go on with him. But there is an option where you can take more time for yourself, means not to be with any of them for now, this may show you better who is really the stable one for you. You need to calm yourself down firstly I think.

[michelle23]

I actually think you could develop that same bond with someone else, that same love, spark, chemistry etc etc. We as humans are not compatible with just one person. There is no such thing as "soul mates" or "the one". The reality is that you could be compatible with thousands of people socially, emotionally, intellectually, sexually. Its important to find that one person who ticks ALL those boxes.

The only reason you have not fallen for the second guy is coz you did not give yourself enough time to get over the first guy and you are not ready yet for a relationship.

You couldnt accept your ex when you were with him, you were on and off for 3 years. Eventually his addiction got too much for you. Do you really want to go back to that? Im not saying that he cant turn his life around, he can if he really wants to and he is recovering right now but that doesnt mean that he wont digress tomorrow or next year or ten years. You have seen the worst part of him. Ask yourself can you go through that again IF his addiction takes over again. With addicts-the addiction always comes first. Its doesnt matter how much he loves you. if he is drinking he will be selfish and you will be put second.

Do you want to live like that?

[4 ratties]

You clearly have unfinished business with #1. You need to break things off with #2, and either be single for a bit to think or get back with #1. You said #2 is about to be in love with you. Break it off now before he gets hurt more. Your full heart isn't into it.

[Wakeup]

I would never feel right being with anyone if there was someone else I couldn't stop thinking about.

Well that's clearly not true or you wouldn't have allowed yourself to even go out with No. 2 never mind take it to the point where he's now in love with you.

In any event. Do not trust No. 1 to be clean and sober at this point. If he is still on antabuse and relying on it then he's not even over the first hurdle as yet. Further if you (which you should IMO definately do) go to Alanon they will help you with understanding alcoholics and manipulation much better and you will be able to make a decision about him.

I do not recommend you stay with No. 2 because you are currently still very much in love with No. 1 (or you think you are which is just as damaging to No. 2) Let him go I say.

Do not go back to No. 1 just yet. His own treatment tells him that he shouldn't be in any relationship until he's sober for at least one full year and doing so without the aid of antabuse medication. Right now, he's still very much using it as a crutch. If he's in a 12 step programme, has he completed all 12 steps on his own without you as his crutch too?

Google Al-anon and look for a meeting near you. You'd do really well to take this to them where you can share your story and they'll educate you in the pros and cons of returning to a chronic alcoholic who isn't yet sober.. not really.

Personally, I think you would be very selfish to start up a relationship with him at this stage. Sorry, but he's still recovering. He's not recovered and he needs to do that on his own without distraction.While you wait, don't use No. 2 just so you won't be alone.

You'd do well to really understand yourself while you're single because you'll not have a drinking partner anymore... Believe it or not, you don't know the number of people who discovered they can't live with someone that doesn't drink (even though they themselves don't have a drinking problem.) You may not even find him as exciting as you did when he was still drinking because I suspect you tried to caretake him and micro manage him during your time with him and when he was a mess??? Once he's in control, he'll be a different person then what he was when you had this "spark" you refer to.

Go to al-anon, Op and educate yourself before you make a decision. Just don't date anyone while you're still carrying a torch for someone else. Is so unfair to yourself never mind anyone else.

[Yanky]

Are you in a relationship with #2? If you are, I'd say break it off ASAP. If you're not in a relationship with #2, cut ties.

You're conflicted because you're clinging on to two men. Insecurity.

[TablesandChairs]

Number 1 is nowhere near 'out of the woods' yet; the test will come after he's off his anti-alcohol drug. Most relapses happen within a few months to a year. Had he been completely sober for a year or more and was not relying on any abstinence aids, I'd feel differently. At this point, though - he's still a risk.

Alcoholism is tough; on the sufferer, friends, family, partners. You may find you can never truly rely on him to handle stress well and will always fear him relapsing. I've been there, it's not a great life. My ex and I had the same amazing connection you speak of; I think these people tend to be quite deep and sensitive, hence why it's easy to form strong bonds with them. On the adverse, it may also be what leads them to drugs/alcohol. Alcohol is everywhere, as is the temptation to use it. IF you decide to follow your heart and be with #1, you need to accept that a) a relapse is possible and b) you may need to muster all your strength to make it work, through the ups and downs and disappointments.

[IndiReloaded]

You clearly have unfinished business with #1. You need to break things off with #2, and either be single for a bit to think or get back with #1. You said #2 is about to be in love with you. Break it off now before he gets hurt more. Your full heart isn't into it.

This^. If #2 was someone you could love, even with your history you would know it by now. Don't be selfish; let him go. If its meant to be you will find each other again.