I screwed up and lost love of my life

[Karan]

The girl I loved for past 5 years left me 2 months ago. I had been her friend first 2 years n than we started dating. We lived together and got engaged but she left me because we were always fighting she got laid off I got tight with money and she wouldn't do anything at home. 90% of time a mess. Well I would get mad and we end up fighting. Plus I worked a lot of hours at work and trying to provide for her and pay bills and make a future. But she got tired and left. I tried everything to stop her. I was ready to quite my current job n find something less stressful. The day she left I begged, I cried, tried everything I could but she didn't listen. But when she left I gave what ever she wanted, I didn't want her having a hard time with moving back with her parents and having money problem. So I gave her everything just so she has a easy time. And in back of my mind I thought we will get back together because I loved her unconditionally for 5 years. I guess I was wrong she moved out found someone new. I still love her I want her back. I changed my self for her in 2 months. I am going to therapy and what not. I want to reach out to her and tell her these things but afraid I will push her further away. I really need help I love her. Please.

[TheEvilJester]

Obviously without knowing more about the situation, none of us can comment very well. However, from the little you did share with us, it sounds to me like you should maybe take some time to yourself and re-evalute things. No offense, but from the little you shared here, it sounds like maybe you actually deserve better. I mean, she gets laid off and then gives YOU a hard time for trying to pinch pennies, and is insisting on always doing things that involve going out and spending money?

By the way, were you married? Because if you were not, you should not be doing a darn thing financially to help her if she broke up with you. It is certainly nice of you, but that is not your problem one little bit.

You would certainly have to give us more details to paint a better picture, but from the little you have told us, I think you could benefit from taking time away from the relationship and realizing that maybe you deserve better.

[Karan]

Well everything started going bad after she got laid off. I make good money. But I always thought of future and saving for a bad day. But she wanted to go out all the time spend and do what not. After a while we argued everyday. She would spend money like no tomorrow. And that made me mad. But I was willing to pay for her school fees and I wanted her to go back to school finish and have a better opportunity. But she didn't like this. She wanted to take a minimum wage job with minimum hours and we would fight over this. Like I said above I make good money and even on my income alone I could've easily support both of us so I wanted her to finish school n get a better job. So in future I could go back. This wasn't good enough for her. Than she join Mary Kay makeup sales person thing. N she lost more money than she made n I explained this and we would end up fighting. Before she left and even after I told her my intentions to no luck. She wanted out. I want her back I would do anything to get her back even if it means leaving my job and spending all I have to keep her happy. I love her dearly. But idk how to tell her this more because I have tried a lot of times. Back than to me priority was to save and give her everything I would tell her that someday we will have enough to do everything all I did was for our future. Do u think I can get her anyway possible. She was my first love. I had given up a lot to be with her n I would do it all over again if I have too.

[Karan]

I worked 10 to 12 hour shifts and when I get home nothing is done and I would tell her to leave me alone so I could relax after a really stressful and demanding day. She told me when I said this she felt like neglected. I am 4 years older than her and I had a pretty good idea of how life is with out right goals and focus. And I would try to make sense of everything on how spending should be what should our next step be. I guess she didn't like it but I always took all her advise into consideration but we would end up fighting. Know that she left and with someone else I feel lost and confused all relationships have up and down. How could she leave just like that. All I did was for her and us. And all I think is about her and how I can get her back. Because I love her so much.

[pcmaster]

Dude you loved her more than she did love you thats why you are the bitch now. You see it doesnt matter how much you did for her because she didnt noticed it. It came too easy for her cause you wanted to give everything to her and she didnt even had to earn it. Once things are expected from you rather than appreciated you have to stop doing these things. Also you gave her a lot negative emotions with being unsatisfied with her effords in household. Basicaly you were like a parrent and now she left the home. It dont matter how much you work cause woman sees only that part of you that in home with her.

Also I see you mentioned her a lot and blaming yourself. It looks like you desperatly need love. You want it from her while forgoting to love yourself. Once you love yourself enought this feeling of guilt will go away and stop destroying you. Also you wont be so desperate and forgiving about her so fear will go away and it will be easier to get her nack on your terms. Even if you never get back together then its cool cause once you meet a nice girl you will realise that she treated you like shit. Just because you let it and didnt took care of yourself as much as you should. Anyway you did work hard and it created feeling of investing giving her even more value. You put a lot of time and energy in work BECAUSE of her and it made you addicted to her giving your life value and purpoise. You did a lot BECAUSE of her but not so much FOR her. You used to give love in this indirect form that she didnt or stopped to notice and appreciate. For example spending extra hour at work BECAUSE of her rather then spend hour with a girl FOR her.( I hope your employer loves you now.)

She did well by leaving you cause you were very blind and could waste your life like that. At least now you starting to see.

This will help ya even more


Check this topic too>
www.loveforum.net/threads/78863-Are-you-living-YOUR-life

"Wow... he let me treat him this way, he let me do this to him. He is afraid to be man, if he lets me do this thing to him, what else will he let me do? Will he protect me when I need him? Maybe not, if he is afraid to put me in my place. How can he protect me from another man when I need him? He is not the secure guy I thought. He looks weak to me. I can manipulate him now to do what I want him to do. I can get away with anything now. I can do what I want. I'm in control of things now. He is not. He will jump through my hoops. I can tell him what to do. How can I take him seriously anymore when he won't stand up to me? He is not a challenge, maybe I need to look for another guy. His insecure behavior really disgusts me. He is not a man that I need. I have to let him go. I need another guy. He is gone, we are over."

[Karan]

Damn I needed that. Wow it has all occurred when she left. Shit dude ur right. Well sounds like my love life is pretty much screwed with her. I guess I need to work on my self first before I can do anything else. I can keep false hope of getting her back but idk what else to do while working on myself. Thanks.

[surfhb2]

2 sides to every story. Funny....you don't say why she left? Why are you going to therapy?

[Karan]

She left because I guess I was a jerk. We fought all the time she had enough of me. Trying to get everything prefect. Working on future rather than today. Therapy because I was lost when she left, like completely nuts because I kept thinking what went wrong. N slowly I m realizing all this. I have been taught a good lesson. N hell I will try my damn best not to let this happen in the future.

[pcmaster]

Man like year ago I was in pretty same place as you now. Now Im grown as a person and realised that I could easy get back her. But since then I met realy sweet natured girls who would never put me tru shit or let me take heavy damage in relationship. After all shes just a bitch and theres nothing that she have better than other girls. But back then she had my heart. She were like a God to me. Couldnt even call her bitch in my mind without feeling guilty.

Maybe you are not in good place now but from my expierience its not who you are but amazing things that you do that makes you. Like set a goal to be happy in life. Good that you go to therapy cause it helps big time when you can talk about everything with someone who listens. Also take care of your looks and health so people treat you better and it will be easier socialize and gain social health - like friends and next time you in major trouble they will be there as emotional support so you never truly alone in your pain. Once you return back to work some confidence will came back too. But to truly realise how much damage were done to your selfesteem you will need a lot of love. And you will be able to compare and see that love can come much more easy and without all this pain and struggle. That for someone you are perfect just the way you are and you dont have to change a thing about yourself. That you can stay true to yourself and still be loved and respected. Also you will realise that you saw so much good in this girl not because she were so good all the way but because you are amazing too and saw reflection of yourself aswell. And one day you will meet person who will see reflection of her perfection in you and fell in love with ya just like you loved this girl.

[Karan]

Thanks brother. I appericate ur input. I know I will move eventually and I will become a better person in the future. It's just been recent and all I do is think about her. I lost my focus I always thought of myself as focused and determined but this hit me so hard. Someday I will hold my head high n say out loud and proud that I have loved and lost. But mean while I am just trying to cope with the pain and suffering. In my head I keep thinking of her. I even thanked her yesterday for leaving me it made me realize my weak point and this gives me a chance to work on it. She moved on with someone else and I m not upset about that I m just shocked how the break up went down. She was sucidal and had depression and anxity and I worked it out with her. Helping her cope and in return when I was at my low she let me go. That kinda screwed me. Haha I guess life is a real bitch. Being nice doesn't get shit done.

[TablesandChairs]

Don't be so hard on yourself, the blame doesn't just rest on your shoulders. You supported her, offered to pay for her school fees and so forth - if she thinks that's nothing, she can think again. When someone is supporting you, the decent thing to do is a) be grateful and b) not take advantage by spending like a moron on unnecessary luxuries. Besides, sounds to me like you were trying to save for your future together, which is something she should have been very happy with.

My ex supported me while I was at Uni and while we were okay, we weren't exactly rolling in cash so I got a part time job to take care of personal expenses. This enabled us to save so we had some security behind us. As for Mary Kay and whatever else...that's just stupid, unless you're a brilliant sales person, you're going to fail with that.

[Karan]

Thank you
I m trying hard to keep my head up. But the thing that drags me down is how can someone do that. The person I did everything for. I know was never prefect but I tried my damn best. N thinking like that makes me wonder what is wrong with me. N honestly I would do anything to be with her again show her I love her. I loved her I always will. I have been with other women but once I was with her my life changed she made my day. Anyone else I would never care but with her I was planning my future. All good things come to an end eventually.

[HeartIsAching]

But the thing that drags me down is how can someone do that. The person I did everything for. I know was never prefect but I tried my damn best.

What stands out to me here, is that you wanted a transactional relationship. "I did this for you, so you should do that to make me happy."

It doesn't work that way dude. At least, not forever.

You want to know what it is to love truly... then you need to move beyond that. Give selflessly, and take selflessly. Learn to set boundaries and enforce them, and learn to communicate your wants and needs clearly.

Otherwise, you're pretty much doomed to failure for the reasons you've already discovered.

[Karan]

I never wanted her to make me happy because I was happy with her. I had moved from a different country just so I can be with her. But I agree ur right your I was going about the wrong way. But in a relationship doesn't one person have to be strong and think of future and happiness of the other person. And if it gets out of of hand does it mean you turn your head around and walk the other way. And changes take time. I was trying to change I made effort and supported her. Not a day went by I didn't tell her I love her. Please correct me if I m wrong. I appericate the input. I may sound like a cry baby but I m just trying to make sense.

[Wakeup]

But in a relationship doesn't one person have to be strong and think of future and happiness of the other person.

No, jeeze. In a relationship each person has to be strong and think of the future and happiness of the other. Both have to do this not just one. If just one is doing it then it's not a relationship its an obsession on the part of the person that's doing everything while getting nothing in return.

There are TWO people in a relationship and if you find yourself being the only one who is loving and giving, then you are in a one sided affair.

People can love unconditionally, selflessly, but NO relationship can be sustained if it's one-sided. Either the one being obsessed over will become over-burndened or the one giving everything will eventually become resentful... then it's only a matter of time before the end.

I suggest you stop trying to buy love. You don't need to be doing what you did for someone who you are not yet committed to in a solid sense such as marriage or longterm live-in RECIPROCAL, functional love.