Argument

[bekho]

I'm in a long distance relationship with my gf who's lives in singapore. We've been travelling to see each other. I started a new job and found less time to message and skype etc like when we first went out. Recently she doesn't like to tell me who she's hanging out with and her messages have become sporadic. I feel left in the dark.

When I tell her what makes me upset, she doesn't think it's her problem to solve. We've reached an impasse where she thinks I have a highschool attitude to our relationship.

I don't like having things covered up for me to later unravel.

The thing is. This is the second gf to have told me 'we aren't in high school anymore'.

What does that mean?

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[Mattiemae]

Well if you have to work she should understand, why you can't connect with her all the time and I don't see that is being immature. With her hiding things, really she's not willing to be honest which doesn't reflect immaturity either. Really if she's interested in you, she shouldn't have a problem sharing her life with you. No she shouldn't have to share every detail of every minute, but honesty is a must in every relationship.

[bekho]

So u think they mean I'm being immature?

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[smackie9]

Sure some intimacy was lost because you haven't had time to chat and stuff, and now things seem a little different. She did the mature thing and found other things to occupy her time simple as that. Now that you see her busy with activities, it has you wondering suspiciously "busy with what?" you are acting out, quizzing her, checking up on her like a little jealous school boy, and she feels you don't trust her, and it's getting a little old. She wants you to stop being so insecure and paranoid because she has a social life like any other normal adult and she shouldn't have to answer to YOU. get it now?

IMO LDRs are a waste of time because of issues such as this. It is sucking for the both or you and eventually someone is going to call it quits.

[smackie9]

bekoh, if you want things to get better, just take off the pressure and get back to basics. Go back to Skyping, sending loving emails, send nice pictures, be more relaxed, communicate more with her like before. You will find she will be less apprehensive....give her a little freedom to move around and be an individual. I'm sure things will fall back into place again.

[Mattiemae]

No I was saying you are being mature. Smackie has some good answers too! The only problem is in relationships you have to maintain them from both sides. A careful balance of love and respect, but...we often get in these situations where others manipulate us and play mind games so, every time she gets away with her emotions, she is not taking responsibility for them. No offense, but their is a time to be affectionate and caring and loving, and when someone starts using emotions and feelings to manipulate a man it can get terrible. lol

[Mattiemae]

After reading smackie's reply well their is two different perspectives here. Yes she should have her freedom, but at the same time if my bf didn't communicate with me for the last five years long distance, I wouldn't be with him. lol I talked to him maybe two hours a week sometimes and just had to trust him. Yes, but at the same time we were always open and honest about our lives. I've also ran into many people that don't tell you anything about their lives and hide everything, and they end up being manipulaters, liars, and end up hurting you by playing major mind games online. Now This is the point, it all comes down to open and honesty. Or it doesn't work. Voice, emailing, messaging on a regular basis. This woman feels to me she's being immature, because she is having her freedom, but she isn't showing she's that interested by telling him stay out of my affairs. lol This is the thing, if you are in a relationship that is going somewhere why wouldn't you want your bf to know about your life. The problem is smackie. lol what your message prevails is that the book the rules says, stay away and make a man jealous. lol Play hard to get! It basically draws out men's fears and insecurities so they do get jealous. So their are many perspectives you can have, but No I don't think you're being immature, by wanting to be apart of her life.

[bekho]

Two very full and comprehensive points of view. Smackie was a little rude. It didn't happen the way smackie said. An example would be like: I'd ask her what she did and shed say she went to a club with stephanie. Then shed tell more and there'd suddenly be other guys around and going from place to place. And I'd be like "wha? Where did they come from?" Then gradually it would turn into her, Stephanie and maybe another guy going to the club. So I'd ask.. Why didn't u just tell me that it was the three of you from the start?

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[bekho]

Another would be like: shed tell me she hangs out with a guy at work. Then later when we're talking about her work and how female orientated it is, I'd ask her about hanging with her guy friends more. Then shed say her work place has no guys. Then my ? Is raised. And when I ask and ask and ask she finally admits to having that guy friend who works there and whom she hangs with.

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[bekho]

Inconsistencies make me go crazy. But I think smackies way to get her back is a good short term solution.

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[Mattiemae]

Yes, you can't change your story, or you lose your credibility. I see your point. Actions have to follow words, and words have to follow actions. Really she needs to be honest with you at all times. I understand you can't make her do this, but it is important. It would bother me as well. Yes that was the part I was talking about until I read the other one above. lol She kind of creates the mistrust between you.

[basilandthyme]

Inconsistencies make me go crazy. But I think smackies way to get her back is a good short term solution.

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Hmmm....you call them inconsistencies. I call them lies. Mate, you're continually catching her out in lies - is this really worth it?

[bekho]

Yea. I hate losing someone I care about. Is weird. I used to think what I thought was normal was just that... But from my past few relationships. My gfs version of normal is just wrong in my eyes. I see a lot of people on advice columns and forums say things I agree with. But in real life its just so different.

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[smackie9]

l what your message prevails is that the book the rules says, stay away and make a man jealous. lol Play hard to get! It basically draws out men's fears and insecurities so they do get jealous. So their are many perspectives you can have, but No I don't think you're being immature, by wanting to be apart of her life.

wtf? My advice was this, if you get apprehensive/ jealous/ insecure you push them even further away. If he just relaxed about it, and get off her back, she will warm up to him again. People will drift apart when people get busy with life, and this all that has happened here. All he has to do is just pick up the pieces and carry on like before. Of course it's not going to happen over night, but I feel now that he has more time, they both can slowly adjust back into their routine. It take a lot more nurturing to keep a LDR alive, if you do, it's fail.

Now if that doesn't work, she's obviously moving on and isn't into this arrangement anymore....it's just not enough, this is why LDR's (most) fail miserably.

[smackie9]

Yea. I hate losing someone I care about. Is weird. I used to think what I thought was normal was just that... But from my past few relationships. My gfs version of normal is just wrong in my eyes. I see a lot of people on advice columns and forums say things I agree with. But in real life its just so different.

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Absolutely. It's too easy to "dump their ass". well you already know in your heart it's a strong possibility, just knowing when the time is right and you can live with your decision....which is fair. No one wants to be a quitter especially when you have invested so much. Oh well the rest is up to you. Whatever you decide to do will be what is right for you and what you feel in your heart.