Staying friends is a bad idea but what about the innocent child!?

[leggy]

My 6 month relationship has just ended. Fantastic 6 months despite many ups and downs. Shared so many interests, knew more about each other than anyone else, soul mates ...etc

We both still love each other, but unfortunately we are not compatible with each other in the bedroom. I'm unable to pleasure her through penetration (my brain is just not wired for it) and whilst I can pleasure her using other techniques the lack of penetration is a deal breaker. She decided it was not going to work long term so finished it.

she has a son from a previous relationship. I have formed a strong bond with him over the last 6 months. Due to her previous bad relationships and breakups, myself and X decided we would stay friends and keep in contact for the benefit of the child - so he is not emotionally impacted and see's that adults can be friends. We explained break up to child and stated we would remain friends.

We both still love each other but it can't work. It feels very unfair for both of us. Neither of us blames each other.


The split has hit me hard and I'm struggling. I love her even more than I realised - I can't cope not being able to have her and be with her.

I've read several articles which confirm that friendship doesn't work following a breakup (not when one or more still in love anyway). I'm kidding myself if I think I can get over her by staying friends as much as I want to see her.


The obvious solution is to cut my ties (all contact) and let my wounds heel. Seeing her on Facebook is bad enough, never mind in person.


BUT.... what about the child? I can't bare the thought of not seeing him and I'd hate to think he thought I'd abandoned him or that he might blame himself for me suddenly disappearing. I can't see the child in isolation (he's only 7).


any advice? It's an unusual set of circumstances and I'm struggling.


thanks

leggy

[AnErin]

A little unusual yes, being how you care about a child who isn't yours. Heh, a lot of fathers don't seem to care about their own kids, let alone step-children.

Well, maybe work on the mind-block you have going on with penetration. Giving up is the easy thing to do but if her and her son mean that much to you, maybe take steps to solve or minimize the bedroom problems?

On a note about that - funny how some people are willing to break off a relationship because of sexual issues. Your case isn't the first in that regard. I myself had a recent break-up because of a certain sexual compatibility problem. Rest of the relationship was kind of iffy anyways.

So if working through the problem is not an option, then yeah take a few days to get over it and try not to contact or FB as that just keeps wounds open longer.

Here is a bit of a secret -sometimes even women are interested in only a sexual relationship. Bed hoppers should be avoided and if you end up with one, try to avoid telling them anything true or personal.

[basilandthyme]

Leggy, your girlfriend did the wrong thing by letting the two of you get attached to each other so early. Rookie mistake. And hopefully she'll learn from this and protect the boy from it happening to him again. The best way to go about dating someone who has a child is to only start forming bonds after you know that the relationship has legs.

Have you considered what would happen if you stay as a part of this boy's life? When your ex finds a new partner, he's not going to want you around. And nor should you be still involved in their lives. So, when the new partner comes, you're going to have to go. Better to end it now than form even stronger bonds which will be torn apart when she finds a new bloke.

Kids are resilient. Well, at least they are if they are raised right. And it's only been 6 months - it's not like you've raised him since he can remember.

I'm curious about your reasons for breaking up though. We're talking erectile dysfuction? Have you investigated causes and solutions?

[leggy]

thanks basil. You make it sound so simple and black and white Your right though, a lesson learnt for me about the rookie mistake too. She says she still wants me in their lives as a friend.

Our communication was very good and we tried everything we could think of regarding the sex. You could say I'm A-sexual with regards to penetration.

[surfhb2]

Youre doing this kid a great disservices just because you are attached. Basil is right on the money..... Rookie Mistake.

I know it sucks but you need to move on for the kids sake

[basilandthyme]

She says she still wants me in their lives as a friend.

This is a very selfish request of hers. It will significantly limit your ability to get over her....and staying in the lad's life longer will only make it tougher when you've finally got to end it.