ohhh, Why can't we be friends?

[Katini]

Sung, of course.

So how do you know if the relationship is really going to work out being friends with somebody? Life isn't jsut about general rules, but do people have experiences they can share about friendship after love, or lack thereof?

That rhymed.

But seriously, is there a time limit? Did you have to set like, ground rules with the other person, or is that too unnatural? I want to become friends with my ex (it's only been about two weeks, and I am prepared to wait much longer, but I am in the good healing process right now, accepting). However, I also feel like I need to set ground rules for us---example, I don't want to hear about his new relationship once he has one. Or at least, not until I start one of my own I guess that sounds selfish, but honestly, people, it's how we all feel. Also, I'm underage and he has recently started to like going clubbing, and I have never had an extremely strong desire to get myself an id (I'm almost 17, in Canada and he's 18) therefore don't go very often. it's not my scene. We, as PEOPLE, I can see, could be very supportive friends to each other, and we have a few mutual friends, but I still wouldn't fit into this clubbing aspect, which he's slowly becoming really attracted to.

Okay, give it to be straight. But also, I like to hear the other experiences of people with the 'friends after love' things like I said.

[Lloyd95]

I have yet to hear that being friends after a relationship has worked. Especially if you don't want to hear about his relationships? Isn't that one of the things friends would talk about?

Once you're both of age, and start going out, you'll have a whole new group of friends. The circle that you run with will become exponentially larger than it is now.

I would just try and move on. But that's me.

[Tone]

Yeah, at least not without A LOT of personal sacrifice on one side. I'm still "friends" with my ex as much as we're allowed to be with her being married and all, we talk at least once a week. I have no feelings for her now, but I went through hell after the breakup to try to stay "friends".

Usually if one person has feelings for the other - it's not going to work out. You're just asking that person to go through too much for a friendship that will become based around jealousy, resentment, and pain.

[Chlorine]

katini----maybe when the feelings die, the friendship will start. Make sense?

[Katini]

Is it a bad idea to talk closure at all? I have a lot of frustrations toward how he's been acting in some situations and I don't want to be treated like crap as the friend either. Of course, I'm not jumping all over this and I do think..once the feeling die....

However, I feel like they never will right now. Like everyone goes through I suppose. I jsut feel so much was left...because I didn't stick up for myself during our breakup. I just sort of...accepted whatever he said at the time because I'm a stubborn person and I wanted control, not humiliation. I still have fear that he gave up because he thought I was. ARGH! other issue entirely

[TenorTwo]

Seriously, friends after love almost never works out. Sucks for me because I'm always the one getting dumped. The girls try to be my friends about it, but it's like, "Hey, I really loved you, didn't that mean anything to you?"

Poo.

[aloha22]

I agree, TenorTwo. Friendships have a lot of trouble surviving relationships. My last really serious boyfriend (who cheated on me a few times) has been calling me and all I can say is what the f*** do you want? If they end badly, they likely won't ever get back to the healthy friendship stage.

My rule of thumb is: once the relationship has gotten fairly physical (ie: heavy petting), the friendship factor is gone. I've found this to be true with all of my relationships that have gone that direction.

[Ellynn]

If you want closure and want to talk about things that went wrong in your relationship still......its gonna be hard to be friends. It's once you get beyond your relationship and can accept the fact that he/she is with someone else and they can accept the same about you that you can possibly get to friendship. Honestly Im not friends with any of my ex's. I do talk to one guy I was seeing at one time but its nothing close or anything. Its like once you cross to being lovers......u cant go back. If a person can....I give them credit. But yes the feelings have to be gone......or you have to be over them. Otherwise someones gonna get hurt.

[Chlorine]

Katini----Nothing is set in stone. You can be friends with your ex. Just maybe not right now. Not with all these feelings/emotions running rampant. Maybe in a year's time. Just need to cool it off for a bit.

[COAD]

Ill tell you from personal experience...
IF you were in a tight and long relationship:
Friends after love is not set to work, Im not saying it couldnt, but things become very complex.

Time goes, but emotion stays - And if you two were to be left alone in a room.... Dont you think things could happen?

[Katini]

Thanks for all the points of view, guys.

I'm kind of hoping right now to get back to a sort of state of decency in our relationship, because it didn't end greusomely, although my feels are pretty frustrated. There was no cheating nor abuse, and in all honesty, He was the break-uper, as much as I was the decision-pusher. I am not prepared to keep waiting, but that seems to be the only option at this point for my emotional state. I need some closure because I still believe that the breakup was unnecessary in some small way. It's because I still love him too much. ARGH!...

Alrighty, sorry to sort of change the subject here. I've jsut had a bad couple of days. I saw his sister twice (we both like each other!) And have bene presented with an opportunity to go to a small gathering with him involved. It's quite scary, and He said as we were breaking up how much he wanted to be friends with me. However, I think a closure conversation would work best because I still find myself clinging onto little open-ended statements. I simply want more defined truths, so that I can move on completely and stop wondering what he really feels or thinks. it's my overanalytical Virgo-ness

Anyway, how have closure cobnversations worked for people? And did they help you to becoming friends or getting over things? It's been about 2 1/2 weeks since the breakup and we were dating for 7 or so months, 6 of which were really great.

[Tone]

it's my overanalytical Virgo-ness

Oh God. You believe in all that sign bullshit?

[blue]

wow! i am having the same problem with someone who i was involved with for a short period of time and then i met the love of my life and was with him for 3 years, but thru and thru we have remained firends but it has been tough even till this day its hard. for me having him as a friend is all i want and all he wants is more so he hopes for more but we remain friends until emotionally he just cant take it anymore and we go thru a period where we dont talk anymore and its hard because we do teh friends thing so well i mean we have a friendship that has seen and been thru so much over the years, when we hang out we have such a great time, but i dont want to become romanticaly involved. He said maybe we should just part ways and maybe we should but thats not going to lessen any pain its not going to make it any better, but then again how does this on again off again friendship make things anybetter? There is no solution there are no winners here only loss loss of love and loss of friendship. call me selfish but so be it. oh and its the whole emotionally pices v- the scorpio

[blue]

just today
Christina,

Thats the problem, we dont see things the same way, you say "see things for what they really are" i see very clearly, its just we both see somethig completely different. And to be honest i dont go on what i see, i never have, I go on what i feel. The fact will always remain, that the spark will never be there again for you, and each time i see you is like the first time i met eyes with you. Thats what things really are to me and that will always create a feeling of sadness, knowing that i will never be the one you need or want or that you wil never see me like that again.

Here are my favorites:

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

I've given up many years of my life believing in somethingi felt, something i thought i understood, but i trult believed it i honored it. Ive lived so long for others, i need to try livin for myslef. i know what i want i know what you want, im not going to change unless love changes us. You seem to have the oportunity present itself more often than i so..... i have loved a few precious times in my life and im happy to say you were and may always be the one i love most.

I am letting it all go then. I cant take this anymore.

[Katini]

ahaha, I ENJOY the zodiac because It is the only thing I can sort of reference to explain my overanayltical self. Of course I'm not a loony, but hey--you Believe in all this self-help bullshit?