he says hes not interested ina relationship but...

[Morrien]

I recently met a guy I like a lot and I am starting to fall in love with him. I have been single for a long time. Men I had sex with over the past 8 years were not ”relationships”, just people I liked or wanted and they usually were older than me. This guy I met now is a lot like me in many ways, initially I didnt really notice him but as we started to interact we found out we had a lot in common and we had great fun together. I am quite a hunter myself in regards to men I like and I am not really used to be given this much attention in the first place. By the time I met him I was convinced I was not a relationship person and not because I didnt want to meet and be with someone but because I was convinced that a man who would fit my personality and my views on things/needs/preferences would be just too difficult to find and I refused to settle for less and be unhappy. At the same time, I had personal problems that I considered I needed to solve before transforming them into ”our problems”, were I to be involved with someone.

We talked a lot about our lives and how they were before and we found out we went through similar stuff in terms of relationships and sex, we had relationships at a much younger age but just resumed to sex later on, with just few people and with long in between breaks. Before I even processed the connections, he showd to be very anxious about every single aspect we had in common, not only related to sex and relationships, but he clearly said once that „and as I see it, you are just like me (in regards to having no relationships and not wanting any)”. As soon as he said that I felt I had to clarify this. He had previously said he was not looking for a relationship, that his past relationships were painful experiences (including a self harming episode when he was in high school) and later on was very stressed by other women he had sex with and had fallen in love with him even though, he says, he had warned them not to fall in love with him because he wasnt interested. I told him that, in my case, its not that I didnt want a relationship, I just never found someone I trully wanted that way and I also explained that I had problems I needed to solve. He said it was very nice of me to think that way and it seemed like he enjoyed my reason.
Now the thing is I have never before been treated with so much care and attention and it puzzles me simply because I was never expecting things like this from men and much less from him. I might have a problem believing that people can be selfless and/or care about strangers like this but Im also not easily fooled when guys try to play this card on me. I sense honesty in him and it surprises me as well as acting as a weird sort of stress relief. I feel he is involved in our ”thing” a lot more than what his not-looking-for-a-relationship says. I am doing my best to never seem needy or to demand stuff because I know men arent into this kind of stuff that complicates things. But I feel like he sees the darkness in front of me and carefully walks ahead and I cant stop being surprised at his sense of things and attention. I feel like a poor little abbandoned kid that he just felt to start taking care of. AND I dont understand why he is doing it? Why is he involving himself if he doesnt want a rlationship?

At the same time, its true that I was never directly told he wouldnt have a relationship with me... But he did mention it few times, more like a general thing. I am afraid to ask and clarify it. I am afraid he would think Im trying to get him off the market or whatever. I am afraid it would ring an alarm and at the same time I find it hard to believe he doesnt actually want this himself. We have an awesome time together I would not risk losing it for anything in the world. And I am confident its not just a one sided enjoyment as I see him putting effort and spending time to make it happen (we are both very busy with our jobs). But is it a relationship? or what exactly is this? All my previous sex-only relations were never this full of affection and care, in fact not even my actual relationships, they were all a disaster. And so were his, so Im just thinking... we both have no clue on what an actual normal happy relationship looks like.

Thanks for reading hope I didnt bore anyone to death. I am very thankful to any thought on this, not necessarily an advice.

[Morrien]

Haha okay well since I didnt get any replies anyway, thought Id say this to somehow wrap it up. Just the night after I posted this he came to talk to me. Point is, he told me hes in love with me and we talked about it for a (long) while. Theres no reason for me to worry about anything anymore, in fact id say things look too good to be true right now. I dont really know what I did to deserve this but it happened. We will see how it goes, considering we are both inexperienced with actual relationships. But im glad I was proven that at least once in life things can surprise you for the better.

[beatrice]

Good for you that u guys have talkd about it. Just relax, and see how things goes.
if you don't mind, how did you open up to him? Did u guys now talk about the relationship into commitment thing? Cause I seem to have similar situation with you.

[Morrien]

Well things are more complicated because we both have weird issues, like I have a lot of insecurities and he has a problem trusting people (more exactly, women).
We have been talking about relationships ever since we met for some reason, we were laughing at it as it came around that we both werent involved and havent been involved in a long while. It was funny talking about it because we both make fun of ourselves in peculiar situations. He has stated it then and there that he wasnt interested in relationships at all and he wasnt planning of ever having anyone to call „his girlfriend”. I was disappointed a bit because since the beginning I felt I would like to be with this man. Ever since, he kept repeating this no relationship thing and I didnt want to insist on it because I feared he would think i was in fact trying to get him or whatever. Actually I did find out more details, his only relationship with a woman he said he loved was a very painful experience which affected him greatly, to the point of him hurting himself, and the issue seems to have a lot to do with the fact that he had a very difficult childhood, growing up without a mother and having a lot of other problems.

Now, how we got to clear things up... was just a situation. He was very sad that day and when I asked what happened he only said he was tired. Again, I figured it wasnt that but rather he didnt want to talk about it. Again, I backed off and just tried to take his mind off things. He went home I thought he would go to sleep but we kept talking over skype and one thing led to another and so started to talk about childhood. And thats how he opened up about a ton of things, sad things, and in the end he said that day at work he was feeling very bad and depressed and suddenly started crying and feeling strong chest pain, which he says he used to feel a lot when he was younger and had problems. So his boss sent him home. He said he figured it was because the whole situation with me was hanging over him and he had realized that i was important to him and for some reason he was feeling the same pain he was when he had problems with his first and last girlfriend. Admitedly I did not say much because I was in a sort of shock I guess was not expecting this and on the other hand... you tell me, doesnt it all sound like a fairy tale? But I tried to chill him and tell him that I see no reason for him to feel bad, if he wanted to do something we could go on and try whatever.

I dont know what pushed him to do this. He said talking would make him feel better and I bet thats true. I also bet it must have taken a lot of guts to just come out like this. I dont know what would have happen if I would have rejected him, this thought alone would have terrified me to no end. I just assume we are the same, very negative people but still hoping from time to time and most of the time just laughing at it while hurting inside. Now I do feel like he has a lot worse background than me, I hope I can be good to him.

All in all, I guess I cant come to any advice about how to get to talk about this openly... I always believed and now I believe even more that people will talk when they are ready. If it bothers you so much that you cant think about something else, then you should start it. And be honest. I know for sure that my guy is the type that would reject any clingy/needy woman if she acts like it. He told me about situations like this and i felt very bad about those poor women. He tends to pay a lot of attention to women and play as they would need him to. Which probably makes them think he cares a lot, its a bad message hes sending. Listening to his stories was kind of painful because he was literally doing everything to make them feel good so there was no wonder they fell for him. I was aware somehow and believed that was happening to me too. I was guarded. At the same time, I knew he was involving himself more in this thing with me exactly because he had told me about the other women and I could spot the differences. I feel on the safe side now and actually I see that in fact he needs this kind of protective-caring woman.

One thing is clear, if you both like each other theres no reason not to work out.

[woody]

Dear O.P

I've only read your first post and wish to reply. You two will find out together what a relationship is all about. Don't be over thinking things too much as that may take away from the experience in the here and now. Both of you are new to this,have found one another and I bet, your not the only one stumped here. Meaning, he's probably wondering how to do this too. So, let nature take its course.
Sit back, relax and enjoy this romance.

Don't worry about being so called clingy. When there's a love connection, both sides will want to cling a little.
Hey, it can be scary; the whole vulnerability thing. Putting your heart out there like that. but you must trust.

You met him, he met you, you two really like each other. So just do what comes naturally. Just be open to it.

and please stop wondering why he's so nice to you. I should think that's rather obvious; your probably a really good person for him and he knows it. Hey, not everyone has an selfish agenda.
You've held out and now the Universe is rewarding your patience. good on you. Now you just need to trust in it.

[beatrice]

Read both ur comments. Woody gave a good advice. I think i need this too.

[Wakeup]

Good for you that u guys have talkd about it. Just relax, and see how things goes.
if you don't mind, how did you open up to him? Did u guys now talk about the relationship into commitment thing? Cause I seem to have similar situation with you.

Sorry, but: No.. your situation is nothing like this one, Beatrice. The guy in your life currently is not doing anything to advance your relationship and he only sees you when it suits him.

@ Op: Glad to hear you've advanced your particular situation. Good luck going forward. Do be cognizant of his past and is current Issues. He self-harmed in the past and now he appears to be having anxiety issues. Has he ever considered seeing a therapist to help him with this apparent "dark" side? (always the one to point out the negative, I know but those things are important to be aware of and not put your head in the sand over).

[Morrien]

[MENTION=72336]woody[/MENTION]

Thank you! You were entirely right. And I loved the part with the Universe rewarding haha. I dont really know if thats possible, but right now it does seem like it is true. And while talking with him about it, he feels the same. The whole thing looks like a tiny miracle, considering how hopeless we both were and how we met each other now, having so much in common its crazy, I never believed this was possible but I wished for it.
[MENTION=52694]Wakeup[/MENTION]
Thank you. He has never seen a therapist and as far as I could ”dig” up until now he does not fancy the idea, he thinks he knows the cause of his problems and that is why he has been avoiding relationships. Of course, I would actually try to make him see one, I am concerned about it and I really dont like the fact that he actually says he is afraid of it (it being this crying and chest pain thing) happening in the wrong place at the wrong time, like it happened at work, because he does not want other people around him to know this about him. He even said that for a few years in the past this has stopped him from doing a lot of things (like going out for a drink or simply having fun somewhere) because the sudden depression was triggered by these things and he was not comfortable about having others see it. But, at the same time, he said he thought he had almost fixed it because it did not happen in the recent years.

[Morrien]

[MENTION=72336]woody[/MENTION]

Thank you! You were entirely right. And I loved the part with the Universe rewarding haha. I dont really know if thats possible, but right now it does seem like it is true. And while talking with him about it, he feels the same. The whole thing looks like a tiny miracle, considering how hopeless we both were and how we met each other now, having so much in common its crazy, I never believed this was possible but I wished for it.
[MENTION=52694]Wakeup[/MENTION]
Thank you. He has never seen a therapist and as far as I could ”dig” up until now he does not fancy the idea, he thinks he knows the cause of his problems and that is why he has been avoiding relationships. Of course, I would actually try to make him see one, I am concerned about it and I really dont like the fact that he actually says he is afraid of it (it being this crying and chest pain thing) happening in the wrong place at the wrong time, like it happened at work, because he does not want other people around him to know this about him. He even said that for a few years in the past this has stopped him from doing a lot of things (like going out for a drink or simply having fun somewhere) because the sudden depression was triggered by these things and he was not comfortable about having others see it. But, at the same time, he said he thought he had almost fixed it because it did not happen in the recent years.