Partner still in love with ex

[Melissa259]

Back in June, I started seeing a lovely man and all was fine. He mentioned he had an ex partner, a woman he split up with three years ago, who was just a good friend. I had no problem with this, given the length of time since the split, and I appreciate that you don't lose fond feelings just because a relationship doesn't work out.

However... a couple of months in, it became apparent that he hadn't told her about me - despite meeting up with her 3+ times per week - and also mentioned that she wanted to rekindle the relationship - but that he didn't because of incompatibilities between them. I didn't worry about this, early days an' all that, until he refused to accompany me to an event a while after that, on the grounds that friends of hers might be there and see us together. It was at that point that I told him that I wasn't prepared to be his 'dirty little secret', and eventually he did inform her.

Almost immediately, she started a new relationship with another guy. My partner was devastated, stepped up the amount of contact he was having with her, checked very frequently on her FB page... all that. She is going on holiday with her new guy as of tomorrow, and my partner is still really upset - whilst telling me that they're "just friends".

To me, it feels as though they never actually stopped dating - though I do believe him when he says it's been years since they had a physical relationship - and I think he needs space right now to heal from his broken relationship. However, I don't want him doing that at my expense.

I really don't know what to do. Any thoughts?

[TheEvilJester]

I would definitely agree with your gut instincts on this one. No matter what he may say to you, it definitely sounds to me like he still has left-over feelings for her. You can still have that even when you fully realize that the person is just not right for you. It sounds like he has not properly dealt with that. Now, that said, I don't get the impression that he ever meant to get into a relationship while still having residual feelings for his ex. I'd even venture to guess he THOUGHT he was fully over her. So, I wouldn't necessarily jump to the conclusion that he was intentionally stringing you along....

However, it has been THREE YEARS. If he'd truly moved on fully, there would be no reason for him to even give a single crap about her dating life outside of him. Honestly, there really should be no reason they are even in contact, but that is perhaps a story for another time. Bottom line, though, you two have been together for months now and he's still hung up on his ex..... meaning he's not giving you the full attention you deserve.

Again, I don't think that was his intention, so I'd recommend no hard feelings (in other words, unless you suspect he may have been intentionally stringing you along, don't treat him as though he did anything maliciously and on purpose) but I think I'd recommend you end it.

Please take that with a grain of salt, though. You need to come to your own decision. I only know the little bit of the story you have shared with us. Maybe there is a lot more to it to which you've been privy that would make you feel the relationship is worth trying to save. Only you would really know that.

It's just, gut reaction on my part, it sounds like he needs time to REALLY get over his past relationship, and you do not deserve to feel like you are stuck in limbo in the meantime. So, it sounds to me like he needs time to be single and heal, and you need the opportunity to go out and find somebody who is ready for something more real, rather than pining after a failed relationship they should have gotten over a while ago.

Who knows? In time, perhaps fate will bring you two back together when he finally gets over his ex and realizes what he had in you. You never do know. Thing is, you shouldn't put your own life on hold waiting for something that may never happen. You deserve somebody who will be so crazy into you that they can't even THINK of another woman. Right now, obviously that isn't him. Again, no harm, no foul, but it sounds like it may be best for you both to just move on.

Again, though, that has to be your decision and his. I can't really know that without being closer to the situation. Either way, I wish you the best of luck.

[Melissa259]

Thanks, EvilJester! I have to say, if someone outlined this situation to me, my advice would be "Run!!!"

I agree that he probably didn't realise what it might look like when a relationship's really over; in the past he's accused me of applying my own beliefs to everyone else, and there's a lot of denial on his part I think.

For now, I think I'll just concentrate on taking care of myself - and let the relationship take care of itself. If that means we never speak again, so be it.

Thanks again!

[TheEvilJester]

I hear you, and I definitely know what you mean. Being on the outside looking in, it is very easy to say "RUN! Run far! Run fast! Don't look back for a second."

When you are the person in the situation, sometimes it doesn't seem quite so clear. I get that. There is something that made the relationship worth pursuing in the first place, so it can be hard to let go of the chance that maybe there could be something worthwhile there. Again, maybe it IS worth trying to salvage. I wouldn't know since I am not him, I am not you, and I think the bug I planted in your home is malfunctioning, so I don't see and hear everything going on between you two. .....I'm kidding, of course..... My bugs DON'T malfunction. LOL!

No, but back to being serious....

Only you can really know if it is worth trying to give this relationship a chance even despite his current hang ups with his ex. If that is what feels right to you, then perhaps that is what you should do. Like I said, though, that wouldn't necessarily be my personal suggestion. Given the length of time it has been, if he truly were over his ex he shouldn't care about anything regarding her or her relationships with other guys. The fact that it bothered him so much suggests that he still has some residual, unresolved feelings for her even if he truly does fully realize she is not right for him.

He owes it to himself to deal with those feelings, but he also owes that to whatever girlfriend he may have in the future, whether that remains you or not. Considering how long he's been broken up with her, and how long you two have been together, he should be head over heels for you and not even THINKING about his ex for a second other than to occasionally think about how much better off he is with you. If he cannot give you or any other gal his full attention right now because of residual feelings for his ex, then he needs to deal with that. Everybody deserves somebody who gives them their full attention in a relationship, not to constantly feel like they are being compared to and forced to live up to the good times with an ex. His ex is his ex for a reason. Time to get over that and find somebody (maybe you, maybe not) who has the qualities she DID NOT (or lacks the negatives she has) that caused them to break up in the first place. Again, not saying that as though intending to blame him. I understand how sometimes you can get hung up on the past. I don't imagine he intended to still be having these kind of residual feelings three years after they've broken up. Still, if he's not dealt with it and healed from his past relationship yet, he needs to do that ASAP.

Good luck to you. Whatever you decide to do, I hope it works out for the best.

[Melissa259]

Many thanks, oh Evil One! Some really useful food for thought there...

[Wakeup]

I really don't know what to do. Any thoughts?

I think you know exactly what you should do. You are just having a hard time coming to terms with having to leave a man that you have become fond of.

He's not worried about losing you though because you are always there, even when he shows you in his actions that he is in love with someone else. (his actions of being "devastated" over her new relationship is a sure tell)

I hope you have enough self-respect to drop Mr. Emotional Affair so that you'll quickly be able to be free in heart and mind to find someone who isn't pining after another.

Think hard and don't settle.

[lightstar]

If hes meeting up with her regularly then you have no way of knowing for sure that they are not still sexually involved. You only have his word for that.

But I do think you should drop him and move on regardless. Find someone emotionally available