I need some advice on my situation with this girl

[Romant626]

I'm going to be blunt and give the details of this situation, because I really need feedback and advice about it..please and thank you..

This girl and I met in college, and she's a year behind me. I fell for her and she slowly started falling for me because I was falling for her, and now we've gotten to the point of us loving each other a lot. She means so much to me and she tells me, I surprise her more and more creatively all the time (writing her things, writing songs, and other surprises), and all the time how she loves me, that i am so good to her, that she wants to keep me, and that she misses me (when im not there). Before she fell for me i wanted to date her but she didnt want that, and she still doesnt want any commitment, or a relationship.. She likes that we don't have a name for what we are, and where we are. It's clear that we really love each other.

Now for the twist...

She is friends with a lottttttttttttt of guys at school, and yes she hangs out with me a lot more than any one of them, she's incredibly attractive and extremely stylish, and almost every single one of those guys wants to get with her. I am afraid to completely trust her even though I want to because she could have any guy she wants, she loves being spoiled, and I just feel like I have issues believing everything, she's always txtingggg, and most of the time its either her best friend (girl) or boys.. and it makes me feel uneasy and suspicious... I can't fully explain why, but my imagination runs wild sooooo fast when i see that she's txting another guy. Also, I haven't performed well sexually, and so she's admitted to thinking that maybe she's not enough to stimulate me.. and Im afraid that me not being able to stay hard is making the situation more uneasy for me, and leads my imagination to think that it would be a motivating reason for her to loose interest in me, cuz she likes having a guy whose good in bed and im inexperienced..

She shows affection in saying that she loves me, and has tried doing a couple things for me, but doesn't seem to go out of her way to do things for me the way I do for her, but she keeps every single thing i give to and do for her... She tells me she loves me and for me to stop doubting it... that it pisses her off.. and I feel really pressured to make sure I am good at intercourse (I satisfy her a lottttt with other methods).. and really, I feel like everything is just some big thing made up in my head built off of insecurities, vigilant fear to believe everything (my parents betrayed my trust for years as a teenager), fear of be played for attention and love, and not knowing how to act like a 20 year old man.. I cannot express how much this is boiling inside me (and yes I see counseling), but I honestly need to hear a girl's side and opinion of this situation with this girl, what she says, and the relationship between her and I.. Please.


Thank you

[Stalemate]

This is a tough situation that I can directly relate too, though the relationship did fail so keep that in mind as I give advice

First, it is entirely reasonable for you to have anxiety over the situation of her basically keeping the door open for other suitors while telling you that she loves you and not to worry. I'd worry, it's not a question about insecurity or not trusting her, her actions do not meet her suggested level of affection. Some girls love to be pursued and there is probably a fear on her part that if she lets the world know she is "taken" that her social life will change dramatically.

My situation was similar. When I met this girl at a wedding for a mutual friend, she lived over 600 miles away. We were both in a relationship, but there was this uncanncy attraction we felt for each other and ended up not sleeping and sitting by the pool talking all night. On the drive home I did some soul searching and decided that even though that particular girl wasnt available (relationship, geography, etc) the type of feelings I had, even after one night of talking, were so much deeper than the emotions I had with my current girlfriend, that I came home a broke up with her. 7 months later the girl from the wedding, called me to tell me she was moving down to my city and my being there was a big part of why.

She ended up being the same way, constantly texting, talking on the phone, facebook flirting. She had so many guy friends and thought it was so cool that I had enough self confidence to not worry about it. I worried, I just didnt let her know because I didnt want to be the wet towel or impose on her free will because I thought that would derail the relationship. Women can be as oblivious when it comes to men as we can be to women, and I remember thinking, "Yeah, let these guys know you are in a relationship and that they have no chance of sleeping with you and you may as well lower you cell phone minute plan cuz they wont be calling anymore."

It really killed me that she even let these guys entertain the thought that they were working her, which pretty much relegates the guy she's with but not "with" to total gay friend status.

In the end she wasnt willing to sacrifice her social life for a real shot at a romantic life with me, and from reading your post I think you guys, while definately compatible, are at different points in your expectations of one another like she and I were. The fact is, you are not comfortable with this. It is starting to give you performance anxiety, and trust me I get that, you feel like you have to beat out any guy she's slept with or could potentially sleep. Now you are having issues thinking that if you arent "taking care of it" she will get it somewhere else.

This may be harsh, but I really wish someone had said it to me;

She has the relationship by the tail. You are her loyal boyfriend while she has made no commitment to you. You are in the position where you have erased your boundaries and she is not respecting you because of it. You need to be honest with yourself. It sounds to me like you are afraid to tell her how you really feel about her and things she does because you will be changing the agreed upon rules and she could then become a flight risk. Is it really better to be going through what you are going through now, hoping that she will suddenly see the light and commit to you like you have to her? I think not. You have left yourself with one option, it works as well in romance as it does in sales..the takeaway.

She has no incentive to change her ways, whatever problems have come from it are yours not hers. She has to be in the position to lose something or she continue down the same path that is working for her now. Tell her how she makes you feel. Tell her what you hope your relationship will turn into and why you think she is right. Then tell her that for you to feel these kinds of intense feeling without her commitment make you feel vulnerable. Am I investing all of this emotion into a bucket with a hole in it or are we building the foundation for something that is going to evolve? Next tell her that you are ready to start moving in the direction of something more, that you dont expect it to be an overnight transition but that you need to see her making some kind of incremental effort moving that way. If she wont, you have to tell her that you are not going to continue how it is now and be willing to walk away. It's so cliche but there is a lot of wisdom setting something free and if it comes back to you...

I did that. She was not willing to be more committed to the type of relationship I wanted. I pleaded, you say you love me, we have such a good time together, Im your best friend one minute and your lover the next, why wouldnt you want to see where this goes?? She just wouldnt. How do you think it felt to be "loved" by someone who wouldnt even sacrifice something as minor as texting while they were with you... I think you know.

As it turned out in my situation, one of the guys (you know one the friends I wasnt jealous of that made me so cool) was her not quite ex-boyfriend from where she moved from. She never really broke up with him, which was her reason for not committing. Whether your girl is telling the truth or hiding something like that, she is not giving you what you want and ultimately that will end the relationship. Take matters into your hands, and make her show some kind of buy-in that she values you as much as you do her, or dip out. Like I said, simple plan, just not an easy execution.

[UnrealTairo]

I have to agree with the above, simply because I AM going through it now, And tonight I was done putting up with it.
Same shit, FWB's, same social stories etc.
Only difference is she actually wanted to move to NC with me and have a house together, and she was actually slowing down on the dating scene (although the texting was still HUGE....)
I pretty much told her its done deal today. I wrote out in the "love" topic if you wanna read it.
I love er but, sometimes you just gota let em go. Even if they say you are messing up their plans and start changing a little bit. Although to be honest, I think the only reason she slowed down her dating, is because I kept dating too and she started to feel the jealous/hurt that she did to me when she kept doing it.
If she won't even open up to you, after all this time. Time to let her go man.
If she comes cryin to you then you know. If you don't hear from her again, well, then you know that too.
These situations suck, but like he said, do it or even if you keep it going, no respect.
I'm torn as hell right now, but everything dude just said above here is right.

Best I can say before you do it, go out with other girls, let her know about it casually too like its no big deal. Don't talk about it too much, but if she asks tell her of course.
It wont be obvious its effecting her after 1 or 2 dates, but keep doing it like she does to you and she may change. However if after 6 ish weeks of you dating other ppl and she still can't open it up. Time to move on man.
Really the thing is that some women don't realize they are hurting you by doing what they do, talking won't bring the understanding to them. You actually have to DO it to them, don't fake it either. If she didn't put a label on it then its free reign.

Case in point, I actually think the one I'm with right now is still in love with her ex. If I needed a baggage handler Id get on a plane.
I can clearly see I'm wearing her down, and in time.... maybe. But life is too short for maybes, At first sure. But not after so long.