Ups and Downs

[Dearprudence]

Good morning -

I am writing today as a follow-up to a message I posted back in September. I need some additional advice and don't know where else to turn. Here is that message I posted back in the fall:

"I have been dating a wonderful man for the past 10 months. We are currently living together and he treats me like gold. We have fun together and I feel like we are completely in love. I honestly could not imagine my life without him. Unfortunately, though, he is not divorced from his wife yet (but is legally separated) and his divorce will not be final until early in 2018. Because of this, I have a hard time trusting him. To my knowledge, he has limited (if any) contact with her, but I still have a hard time believing that he is 100% committed to me. Because of this, I have turned into a person I am not proud of...I check his phone, I look through his texts - all without his knowledge. And I haven't found anything at all. This weekend while we were on vacation, he was pretty drunk and told me that he still loved her but couldn't be with her because of all the problems they had in the past. I asked him about the conversation the next day and he remembered saying it but didn't elaborate on it.

I am afraid my paranoia will ruin a good thing here. But then again, I don't want to NOT paranoid and there is a reason I should be. Is it normal that he would still "love" his ex after being married for 10+ years (and separated for 1 year)? Or should this be a BIG RED FLAG for me?"

So fast forward to the present: I have since been able to stop snooping completely and felt that I was really able to trust him. We have been having a great time together - and even celebrated our 1 year dating anniversary back in late October. I knew, however, that the date for his upcoming divorce was looming and I knew that the holidays would also be hard - even though he and I would be together. Despite everything seemingly going well (we both appeared happy with each other and completely, madly in love!), he came to me in mid-November and said he wanted to move out to a half-way house of sorts - in order to clear his mind, take some time to process his feelings regarding his marriage/divorce, and to be completely "sober" for at least 1 year. Needless to say, he didn't meet the requirements for the half-way house so he asked to continue living with me, with a new, 100% focus on getting himself straightened out.

This plan worked. For the last 1.5 months, things have been back to normal, and again, I thought we were both very happy with each other. He seemed to really be working things out and for the most part, seemed to be happier in general. Then, out of the blue, he tells me on Friday night that he has tremendous feelings of shame living with me and having sex with me since we are not married. He tells me that he loves me and feels like we are meant to be together (a perfect match!) but that he still has not completely processed all his feelings towards his ex-wife (they will be legally divorced in February). He goes on to say that he feels terrible having sex with me since he is still technically married to her and that he really wants to do things the "right" way. He agreed that we can't unring that bell - what's done is done - but he did ask if we could stay together, but with no physical contact until he is able to get his mind straightened out regarding his marriage. (He has a sorted sexual history with many previous partners - and has only been married once. So this was a little shocking to me as well and never a concern he had expressed before). Needless to stay, I spent last night in the guest room and we haven't had any physical contact at all since Sunday evening. He even went so far as to say that he wants to marry me and spend his life with me, but that he doesn't feel right doing that because of how our relationship is right now.

There are many, many more details to all this, but I've tried to summarize it as best I can here. There are no words for how sad, confused, and blindsided that I feel right now. I love him very much, more than I every thought it was possible to love another person. I don't necessarily need to have sex to be in a relationship with him, but it is such a drastic change to how we have been living for the last year that I am scared and again, paranoid. I truly viewed our sexual relationship, not just as a physical act, but as a way to connect deeper and more intimately. I am willing to do whatever I can to help him, love him, and support him during the tough times - and that includes no sex or physical contact. But I must ask - is this what I should be doing? Or is this really just the beginning of the end - and I should be preparing myself for that?!?!?

I apologize for the length of this post, but I appreciate any help or insight anyone could share. Thanks in advance...

[Hooo!]

What do you want?

[Dearprudence]

Out of this relationship??

I want to be with him...for him to be okay...and to have a happy, long future with him.

That's what I want. In a nutshell: HIM.

[Hooo!]

Tell him this
Discuss it
Watch his reaction
Not his words

Make happen what you want in a way that he can make true what he wants