How to handle this...

[lahnnabell]

So, my boyfriend has recently been offered the opportunity to move to NYC. It was originally decided that because San Diego has yielded little for me in terms of jobs or further schooling (this state is a mess), I was going to return to the East coast to be closer to him and to my family.

As I was deciding how to tell my employers of my plans to leave next month, they dropped a huge bomb on me: a promotion to manager. They're very proud of all the hard work I've put into the café and think I'm ready for the responsibility. Knowing that this opportunity is very important to my personal and professional growth, I accepted without a moment's hesitation.

I knew that it would mean more difficult decisions ahead, but that I needed to do some heavy thinking. My boyfriend called me last night after I returned home, and wanted to start discussing our date to leave San Diego. Not wanting to lie or withhold information, I told him of my promotion. Our initial conversation was good. He was disappointed in the sudden change of plans, but very happy for and proud of me. He knows I've worked very hard these last several months. We ended the conversation on a happy note.

Today, he called me again and was much more depressed about my decision to stay in SD. He said that he loves me very much and doesn't want to lose me, but that he doesn't know how we'd manage the distance. I said nothing has to be decided right at this moment (as I was on the way to dinner with a friend) and that we'd sit and talk in the next couple of days. I told him to let me know when he was free and I'd be right over.

I don't want to dramatize the situation at all. I'm doing my best to come from a logical standpoint, but I can feel my emotions bubbling just below the surface. Some might say that I should follow my heart and just go with him, but I have an unsuccessful history of doing this. The very reason I am in San Diego is due to a now failed relationship (for those of you who might remember the reason I joined last year). I left my family, close friends, and a job with high potential for growth and moved to San Diego with my now ex only to have our relationship crumble 6 months later.

I love my boyfriend more than I can express, but it simply makes far more sense for me to stay in San Diego. We are not engaged or currently living together, and had no plans to do so any time soon as we are both not ready for that step. I want us to stay together because he is so wonderful to me, and I want him in my life. I would never dream of asking him to stay in San Diego as I know he's wanted out of here for so long. If he were to stay, I want it to be his decision.

Right now I'm giving him some space to think things over. I'm happy he feels so devoted to our relationship and so strongly for me, but I hate that it's causing him pain now. I don't want him to write off a long-distance relationship as impossible, or unrealistic because it's not. Me being the older, more experienced individual, I'm attempting to take point and keep a positive spin on this situation. I feel that that is the key to getting positive results with this very difficult situation.

What do you guys think? SD to NYC will be no picnic, but I love him and he's worth it, and so am I. I hope this attitude will help solidify that fact.

[7sins]

As much as people wish for love to prevail, especially in the current state of your relationship where things seem to be going perfectly, the future is and will always be uncertain. You just got a promotion that would at least put you in a financially secure position. Which is not guaranteed if you decide to go with him to NY.

The economy as you know atm is terrible, and is predicted to possible get worse. What would you do if you go with him to NY and you cant find a job? can he/ will he support you, and for how long? Not to be a pessimist but what happens if it crumbles, and you dont have a job, will he support you still? Until you at least find a job or will you end up like doupleganger...

Their are too many uncertainties, this doesnt look like it will end well. You'll need something short of a miracle. How would you feel if he decides to stay, this job could be very important to him.


Btw. I dont know much about you, but if you're the type of girl that can get a job anywhere ( i know a few girls with great personalities and can find a job almost instantaneously), then i say go with him.

[lahnnabell]

Well, I wouldn't have been moving to NYC with him; I was going to head home to Boston where my family is and where I could be much closer to him. What I realized though was that regardless of my position in San Diego, going home would put me back at ground zero. I'd have to spent the first several months saving money for a place to live and to pay my bills. I'd have no free time or money to visit him, so being closer wouldn't mean much in that regard.

Also, he does not have a job lined up in NYC, but has been offered a place to stay with his friend. This is a very lucky break for him as it will give him time to find a job, save money, and learn to live independently. If I were to move to NYC, I would have to be prepared to support myself, and I am not there at this time.

I have a pretty great personality, and I interview really well. I was laid off last year due to school district budget cuts, and was stuck looking for work for months. I don't ever want to be back in that position, and have spent a very long time building from the ground up this past year. I started working as a waitress (my current job) at the end of January, and since then have learned a lot more about how to manage. The owner that hired me saw the potential I know I have, and has in turn invested a lot of time in grooming me for this position. It would be a waste for me to leave at such a pivotal moment.

Perhaps 6 months down the road (when I've got some serious management experience under my belt, and my boyfriend is settled in NYC) I can think about taking a job back East. But right now, this makes the most sense.

Thanks for your thoughtful response

[nerdy_guy]

I've got no question about your commitment to him. He should understand that you've been given a big break here, be supportive of that and should not in anyway try to shake your current position. He still has no job, and is risking a lot just by moving. That should teach him more about life as well. At this point, you should also expect that he might get a lot of stress if he can't find work especially since he's out of his comfort zone. As a girl, that would equal to your monthly period so if he does lash out at you, just hold on for dear life. Otherwise, that would further strain the relationship if you shoot back. Both of you would need a lot of patience. Good luck to the both of ya.

[Nomie]

I do understand your concern my dear however as you said he is not moving to NYC for the job but for better opportunity. For now I would suggest that you be left behind a little while and then whe he has find a job and having his own space maybe you can find something there. Right now if you can follow him I thing it could harm your relationship cause both of you, you will be unemployed.

Talk to him and make him understand. If he loves you as you said he is I am sure he will understand. I am very happy with the way you are thinking, that it means you are realy matured. Good luck and enjoy your promotion gal you deserve it.

[lahnnabell]

He understands very clearly why I want to stay, and he's encouraging me to pursue this position, but I know deep down he hates it. He was very much looking forward to me being close to him, and referred to it as a "dream come true" that I wanted to move to be with him. I know that my maturity and confidence in myself and him helps to anchor him when he's feeling lost. His kindness and self-awareness are what remind me that there is so much good in this world.

Yes, he will be under a lot of stress, especially if NYPD decides to put him through their academy. He wants to be in some type of law enforcement and is right now working on getting his foot in the door. SDPD is a no-go and is doing through periodic hiring freezes at this time. I'm prepared to handle that he might lash out, especially right now. He's not happy that my initial decision can't include him, but I have to remind him that his initial decision to move to NYC did not include me either. I was simply prepared to accommodate our relationship in the best way I could, but now I have an important reason to stay in San Diego. Originally, he said that if I had asked him to stay, that he would've, but I would never dream of doing such a thing. I know that this move will be very important for his growth as a person. It would not be right for me to impede that with my own selfish desire.

I figure he's gonna need some time to cool down and to think rationally, so I'm letting him be. I was much more emotional last night, and today I've had a chance to really think about each potential decision. I'm hoping for the best.

[lahnnabell]

I do understand your concern my dear however as you said he is not moving to NYC for the job but for better opportunity. For now I would suggest that you be left behind a little while and then whe he has find a job and having his own space maybe you can find something there. Right now if you can follow him I thing it could harm your relationship cause both of you, you will be unemployed.

Talk to him and make him understand. If he loves you as you said he is I am sure he will understand. I am very happy with the way you are thinking, that it means you are realy matured. Good luck and enjoy your promotion gal you deserve it.

Thank you very much. And you are from Saudi? I was born in Jeddah

[sookie6]

Lana you strike me as a person who needs to enjoy what she does for a living and after a difficult time you pulled yourself through and gained a great job opportunity...I think you deserve to be happy career wise and if your confidence stems also from your achievements at work then I think this managing position should prevail...

Why?

Because this is your first managing position...at such young age...you will learn how to manage a team and be responsible..;you will be a leader for the first time and not only this is gonna serve your career as a whole whetever happens later on but it will help you grown as an individual...

I would at least try...with the possibility that you might not enjoy it at all...and decide to pack up and join your bfriend...but if you thrive in it..;a couple years in this position would put you in a great position for future positions wherever you decided to go...let's even imagine than 2 years down the live you decide to have a baby (just an example...not to worry)...well a gap in your CV won't have the same implications for future prospects if you had this experience on your CV...

If you have been once a successful manager with excellent references from your boss then you will always find a great job with responsibilties...

[Junket]

The job market in the NE SUCKS.

New york city is also a big union city, similar to my own (Philadelphia).

I would be impressed if he found anything besides a temp job.

[Raze]

If you aren't engaged, I would say that your future should come first. If that is your dream then go for it. If he loves you, he will understand that you need to do what's best for YOU.

[vashti]

I hate to say it (and you aren't going to like hearing it), but it looks to me as though the end of your relationship is near. People can be a great match, but still suffer from bad timing. This looks to be the case with you. I don't think long-distance relationships are appropriate or reasonable at your age. You should just just bite the bullet and break it off if he moves to NY.

Off topic: I don't know how you can say there are no opportunities for school in San Diego. You have one of the best universities in the country there (UCSD), as well as a state school (San Diego State), and the community college system in California is the best in the country. (Yes, better than Massachusetts, and more affordable.) Aren't you getting the California resident tuition cost yet?

Anyway, I think it is best to focus on work and school, and worry about boyfriends last.

[returnofthezro]

have to agree with vashti here, you can talk that love shit all you want, but love doesnt pay the bills - i actually know a girl at my work who did a similair thing that you did, moved for a boyfriend, six months later, they broke up and she moved back - wasted six months in my opinion, i am of the opinion that unless there is a formal commitment (marriage etc) - no human is worth sacrificing money for, you have a good opportunity and rightfully took it, you have to look after yourself, money/career comes first...always, you have already been down this road before, think with your head this time.

[Gigabitch]

It's quite possible that he'll crash and burn in NYC and come back to SD within a couple of months anyway, you know. How pissed would you be if you moved all the way back to Boston and he went home by winter?

[lahnnabell]

I am most certainly gonna keep my promotion. I have to see this through. Sookie, you are very right about me, my happiness is very attached to how I perform at work and it's time I started trying to challenge myself in new ways.

I was really hoping that an LDR could be feasible. I'm not writing it off yet, but I hear what you're saying. It's gonna be incredibly complicated and could possibly prove to be more of a hindrance than beneficial.

It makes me sick to think of letting him go.

[asdfg789]

It's quite possible that he'll crash and burn in NYC and come back to SD within a couple of months anyway, you know. How pissed would you be if you moved all the way back to Boston and he went home by winter?

My thoughts are along the same lines ...

Congrats on the promotion !

Hang in there on the relationship. If you are fated to be together, who knows ? Things could somehow turn in your favour ...