I need an outsider's view...

[Novak]

My relationship with my girlfriend has recently hit rock bottom and we're on the verge of breaking up.

I'm a terrible story teller, so will just write bullet-points about key events, and hope you can share your thoughts with me.

- I first met my girlfriend at a restaurant I go to regularly which she works at. After a few encounters, we exchanged emails and went on a date.

- On date #1, she mentioned she's currently living here on a student visa which expires soon, and she's looking for a way to extend her stay.

- I jokingly mentioned I'm willing to marry you for $20000 and you'll automatically be eligible to remain in the country.

- She played along, but when I tried to move on, she became quite serious about it and persisted for a few days until I made it clear it's out of order.

- We continued to go out, and eventually things got serious and we officially began a relationship.

- Soon after, she literally became homeless and had to move in with me.

- She insisted we move in together permanently (2 months into our relationship), and got very upset when I mentioned things are moving too fast.

- We found her a place after 2 months, and I helped her out a bit with the rent, though it wasn't significant.

- During our time together, she's made no clear attempts to "milk" me financially and has shown what I consider to be genuine emotions. I've also spent a lot of time with her trying to brush up her resume and apply for jobs with sponsorship. She managed to get a few interviews but nothing came out of them and she's now given up on that route.

- The only two options she has now (to stay) is 1) Marry me, which is not going to happen and 2) extend her student visa by applying for another course.

- To extend her student visa, she needs to have $20,000 in her bank account for a couple of months (to prove she can pay her living costs) and also pay about $6000 in college fees. This is when things went pair-shaped as she asked me (almost demanded) to transfer the $20,000 to her account.

- I'm in a job that pays relatively well, but that amount of money is a significant amount of my savings. I've been working very hard for five years trying to realise on of my dreams, which is to buy a house. Even though she said she will return it to me the moment she gets her visa, I'm still not comfortable doing it. What makes it worse is that I think I have an emotional connection with her, she gets me, etc. But I keep asking myself if I need to take a step back and say hold on a sec, something smells fishy here...

- She was very upset when I told her I'm uncomfortable doing this, even though I explained my reasons and the fact that all my money is in a long term investment scheme which I can't touch easily. She said this is a sign that I don't love her and "she regrets every minute with me". I asked why she can't get this money from her own / parent's savings but I just get a vague answer about currency rates not being in her favor.

Anyway, I'm sorry this turned into such a long rant, but I'm a bit lost. Am I right to be cautious? Or do you think I've let her down?

Thanks,

N

[michelle23]

This is her problem-not yours. Lie and say you cant touch your savings for 5years as you signed a contract. Do you no anyone in the bank who could draw you up a fake contract that looks real?

How long do you no this girl? If u were together a long time-youd prob have no problem marrying her and if ur uncomfortable marrying her-you should be even more uncomfortable giving her 20 grand.

Tell her you cant help her. You have already done enough for her-tell her to get a job and get a working visa if she wants to stay

[JJhon]

In my opinion I think that you did the right choice. 20k is a lot of money to transfer to a person that is 'almost demanding it'
She needs to realize that you are not going to be the solution to her problem, even so, the transfer rates might not be that high, insist with her to get the funds from her parents

Sent from my Galaxy S2

[michelle23]

Anyone who tries to guilt trip you into doing something you dont want to do by saying "you dobt love me" is not worth it. Shes trying to make you feel bad and manipulating you to get what she wants.

The girl sounds dodgy to me and obviously cant stand on her own two feet. If i were u id dump her. You dont need a clingy dependant damsel in distress hanging round ur neck. Its not the 1920's anymore and women who expect or need a man to look after them in todays world should be tied to the kitchen sink as punishment for being so damn needy and clingy.

I am not talking about women who give up work for awhile to look after children before someone jumps up and down-im talking about young women who expect all this bollox just coz there a woman. **** that.

[bearz]

Don't pay for anything of this magnitude, this would be insane. I mean you barely know this girl. I can see how she wants to stay here, but you might not be the real reason, so be very careful.

[Novak]

Thanks for the replies guys, and Michelle, you deserve extra credit for your blunt closing statement

One thing I'm struggling to understand is that if she's dodgy, how she's able to show such genuine (?) affection...I'm talking about an ocean of tears when we almost broke up a while back over her current problems (visa, job, lack of home, etc. was putting a lot of pressure on us)

I don't know...one voice tells me she will always be a constant source of trouble/dependency...the other voice tells me maybe it's just a blip in her life and she needs some help.

[JJhon]

Novak, that is just your brain knowing the truth, but your heart is telling the opposite.

And lot of people can fake tears

Sent from my Galaxy S2

[michelle23]

lol feminist runs in my bones and proud

does she show genuine emotion in other ways or is she just good at putting on the waterworks when she needs to? more manipulation maybe?

what do other people think of her? is her smile genuine? does it reach her eyes? this is where emotional intelligence really benefits people. if you cant read her find someone who can.

id run a mile from this girl if i were you. do not give her any money-whatever else you decide to do is your choice

[Novak]

and sorry forgot to answer your question. We've been together for 5 months.

[lamobatsman]

as jjhon says brain and heart are two different things. ur head knows the truth- walk away. ur heart wants to stay i know.

btw girls can fake a lot of things:p they say things they dont mean etc etc. be careful

[BackUpOrGetStng]

If you transfer that 20K, don't ever expect to see it again. What a sucker!

Evict her. Or at least tell her you're not marrying her or giving her any money.

[HeartIsAching]

Thanks for the replies guys, and Michelle, you deserve extra credit for your blunt closing statement

One thing I'm struggling to understand is that if she's dodgy, how she's able to show such genuine (?) affection...I'm talking about an ocean of tears when we almost broke up a while back over her current problems (visa, job, lack of home, etc. was putting a lot of pressure on us)

I don't know...one voice tells me she will always be a constant source of trouble/dependency...the other voice tells me maybe it's just a blip in her life and she needs some help.

Easy. It was a manipulation tool used to gain her objective.

I think you're dodging a bullet with this one. If you transfer 20 grand into her bank, regardless of intent it's considered a gift.