Is this regular marriage jitters or more?

[Trex56]

Hi everybody!
I'm guessing a lot of you are married and probably went through the 'cold feet', 'marriage jitters', whatever you call this feeling. I'm just trying to understand what is happening to me and my relationship and hope someone who maybe experienced similar feelings could help me.
So I've been with my boyfriend for four years now, we both pretty much settled into the relationship. I'm happy with him but this whole situation is really putting so much pressure on me that I can't relax and enjoy myself anymore.
I'm 22 and really never thought much about marriage but I'm basically going to have to marry my boyfriend to stay in the US (or marry him so he can move with me to the country where I'm from). So no marriage means the end of the relationship.
We have briefly talked about marriage before and I thought we would eventually get married and be a happy couple until the deadline approached. My current visa expires in December (four months from now!) so it seems like we should be in the middle of preparing the wedding before I have to leave the country.
I am frankly terrified of being married. He briefly mentions it once in a while and I say ok I'll look into it and never do it.
There are a few reasons why I am terrified:
- I have bad social anxiety, something I have been dealing with all my life and nothing can make it better. The thought of planning a wedding and having guests look at me is a nightmare.
- I think I might be bisexual? I don't know if that's because of the marriage jitters but I have been questionning my sexuality a lot over the past year. I used to have a close friend who came out as a lesbian and even though I have not talked to her in the past three years and she is in a happy relationship I keep thinking we would have been great together because we had so much in common. We've really lost touch after I moved to the US but it's weird I keep thinking about that so much even though I know it's not going to happen.
- He did not propose. The closest thing he did to ask me to marry him is tell me I should find out what kind of paperwork we need to fill out to get married since I'm from another country. I wasn't expecting anything too romantic but this does not really count as a proposal, does it? Did anyone here get married without being 'officially' engaged for a while?
- And we're not in a good financial situation at all. I work, he does not. So I need to save enough money to get help from an immigration lawyer and pay for the wedding...I did the math and it's going to be very hard with my salary. This scares me because I do not see myself financially supporting a husband five years from now. I tried talked to him about this and he does not seem to have a plan for the future other than 'win a big poker tournament' (he's good at poker but does not even have a plan to actually buy in a poker tournament).
- Lastly I'm scared to break his heart. He says I love you all the time, I think he means it. He's a great guy and I don't think I'll find a better one...but then again maybe getting married is not for me?
- He has been married twice and both time his wife left him (he's older than me). I get along great with the children he has from the previous marriages and no problems with the exes but I really wonder if things did not work out because he turned out not to be a good husband. He openly talked about this and in his version of the facts the ex wives were both unreasonable and left him for other guys but I don't have the other side of the stories. I have doubts because I don't see a woman with children just leave for another guy on a whim.

Any help or opinion would be greatly appreciated! Thanks for taking the time to read.

[michelle23]

I dont think you should marry this guy. You have so many reasons there not to, it would be foolish

[Boisdevie]

I go with Michelle on this one. Listen to her wise advice as your future marriage is absolutely guaranteed to be perfect and wonderful.

But on the other hand.....

What ferking planet are you living on? Or are you on drugs or something?

[searock]

I also don't think you should marry this guy. A good enough reason not to do it is that he's much older than you. Find a guy much closer to your age, you are still so young. Another good reason is that he's a grown man with children and he isn't even able to support himself. Two failed marriages also aren't good signs. And honestly, you don't even trust him... don't marry a guy you don't trust!

[searock]

I go with Michelle on this one. Listen to her wise advice as your future marriage is absolutely guaranteed to be perfect and wonderful.

Michelle advised her not to get married.

[HeartIsAching]

If you've got it right, there are no 'regular marriage jitters'. Those 'jitters' are your head telling your heart to run. You should listen.

[Trex56]

Thanks for the answers guys! It kinda corresponds to the way I feel but it's not easy

[4 ratties]

I know it's hard but u know your not ready to get married, so don't. Don't put stress on yourself. You are so young and deserve to be happy. Don't settle for this. It will be hard at first but it will pay off making the right decision someday. I wish u the best